Not Making the Moves

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2010
Not Making the Moves
Tue, 01-14-2014 - 7:43pm

My friend 25 and her boyfriend 36 have been together for 1 year this Valentine's Day 2014. She has been wanting him to move out of his family's apartment and into her back house at her mom's house. But he can't why? Because he has to pay $500 rent at the apartment, even though the mom gets a check from retirement and his sister works making $20 an hour. BUT she has a 7 year old daughter and spoils her rotten. Buying her clothing from Old Navy, Gymblee, and going out to nice dinners etc. The father of the kid is out of the picture, and she is seeing this other guy who has kids of his own. Why doesn't the sister move out and in with this guy or find herself her own place? Because she isn't trying hard enough. She wants to find a place so her daughter can continue to go to the same school but in the area she is now, the rent for apartments is $1,000+. when she wants to pay only $700-800 MAX.

So my friend's boyfriend the 36 year old cannot move out until his sister finds herself her own place which isn't happening as fast as my friend would like. My friend is only 25 but she already says she is done with partying, she wants to settle down and thinks that this guy is the guy for her. BUT she's told him about wanting him to purpose and for them to run off to Las Vegas and get married. But he says "NO" because "everyone gets married in Vegas and I will purpose to you soon". He has yet to do so. She is also trying to get pregnant but thats not going so well either, she went to the doctor's to get herself checked and she is fine 100% but he doesn't want to go to the doctors.

They have had sex but no luck with getting pregnant. She wants all of these things and more but yet he isn't making the effort or the move on it. To me I think he is just sticking around because she has sex with him. IF he truly wanted all of this he would do something about it. But she says "Oh he can't move out because of the sister and if he moved out and moved in with me he'd have to pay $500 a month's rent at my place and his family's place and he just can't afford it.

Plus my friend is annoyed as heck by the sister's little 7 year old girl. Who is always right there. Always there wanting to be noisy and hear what the adults are talking about or who they are talking about. She gets in between my friend and her boyfriend while at the dinner table, or the little girl goes under the table and makes a lot of noise, or she has to have her way, really spoiled. 

My friend wants to tell them all off but knows if she does they will be upset about it.

My friend says if nothing happens in a month she wil leave him but I highly doubt that. She says his ex-girlfriend's all left him due to the same situation she is dealing with as of right now.  I have given her advice and heard her complain time and time again and it's getting on my nerves now. What should she do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 01-14-2014 - 9:24pm

One thing she should NOT do is get pregnant with a guy she is thinking of leaving.  I don't even understand the logic of this--why would you want to have a child with someone you're not sure you will be with in a month, never mind years from now?  Andit's kind of obvious that if she has to convince him to move out of his mom's place and he didn't come to this conclusion on his own, he's not about to move.  Maybe there is some kind of deal between him & his mom that he would stay there & help her out by paying rent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 01-14-2014 - 11:20pm

First of all, what she should do is understand that the world doesn't revolve around her.  She wants everyone in this tragi-comedy to do HER bidding.......and seriously, no one in this scenario owes her anything, including obedience.  And she wants to get pregnant?  She has some serious judgement deficits.  The guy isn't going to leave his sister in the lurch, whether he's a good brother or an enabler I'm not sure, and it doesn't matter.  That's HIS family's problem.  She's trying to get the guy to marry her, and he obviously has no real intention of doing that.......his loyalties lie elsewhere.  Your g/f needs to grow up.  She seems to think she can control everyone around her......and she has a lot to learn.  Heaven help any baby that might come out of this arrangement, she doesn't have a clue how to be a mother, for sure.  You can't order a baby to stop crying, or stop wetting their diapers.  And the guy might be 36, but if he's aware that she's trying to get pregnant, he's as nutty as her.  If he's NOT aware, then she's deceitful as well as ridiculous. 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 01-15-2014 - 12:41pm

  What are you thinking?   Why is this mess any business of yours?  I am suspecious when tis type of post is up because many time the poster is actually writing about themselves.  If it is not your mess then us it to write a book(novel).  If not stay out of it.  This is as dysfunctional as it gets if the observations are correct.  Everyone  described is enabling for their own reasons the drama.

   Any complaints to you: let them go in one ear and out the other and do not become emotionally or otherwise snared.  If this is you this is a clusterFand get out before it become a death sprial.