This is not the man I fell in love with

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
This is not the man I fell in love with
1
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 3:25am
My husband has now been unemployed for the past 10 months of our 14 month marriage. This is the second marriage for each of us. He has always suffered with depression, and is under the care of a physician for it. He does not get off the couch for anything other than food and to use the bathroom. He's even sleeping there now. He doesn't do anything around the house at all... not even get up to answer the ringing telephone. He just lays there and watches tv. He's gained an absurd amount of weight. We haven't had sex in over six months. He says he can't but I believe he just doesn't want to. I had the doctor give him some viagra just in case.. but he's not interested in trying it.

I was supportive and optimistic for the first six months of this, but those days are over. I have tried talking to him, encouraging him, nagging him, begging him.. yelling at him.. his response is always the same: He ignores me.. won't look at me.. has nothing to contribute to the conversation other than "fine, I'll just leave". We've now used every penny of our savings to support everyday living. I work full time but do not make enough to cover all of our expenses. The credit cards are maxed and I've had to borrow money from family several times. I am so overwelmed by the entire situation.

Each day that goes by I feel more resentful towards him. I've lost an enourmous amount of respect for my husband.

I love him. I want my marriage to work. I don't know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 8:24am

OMG this sounds exactly like my STBX!! unreal!! (maybe it is him....)


gosh, sweetie. i know what you are going thru - only i spent SEVEN YEARS like this, AND i had my son with me, who suffereed along with me...


lets start by understanding this - this IS the man you fell in love with (or at least, it is the man you married). you say yourself, that he has ALWAYS suffered from depression. maybe you did not understand what "depression" means (I didn't understand it either, till i lived with STBX). maybe he was able to 'hide' some of the symptoms till you got married. but whatever it is - THIS is the man you married.


no matter what YOU do - YOU did not cause this, and YOU cannot solve this. i understand that you already invested alot of time and money and love and effort into the marriage - but honey, lets face it - "this" is not a "marriage". and its only going to get worse and worse. you are going to be the one holding up the entire marriage on YOUR shoulders - financially, socially, housework, everything! and guess what - you are going to continue to do so - even if YOU are , God forbid - sick, or pregnant, or sprain an ankle. and YOU are going to end up more and more depressed and down and frustrated and tired. HE is fine the way things are right now.


I know this is not what you want to hear - but GET OUT NOW. cut your losses and LEAVE. I wish that *I* had had the guts and the strength to do that seven years ago. and get some help for YOU - because YOU are the one who married this man, you are the one who is putting up with this, and thinking that somehow this is love (its not).


good luck to you!