Not a MIL issue after all
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| Thu, 02-05-2004 - 2:09pm |
AT first I thought I had a MIL issue, but now I'm begining to think differently. Since my post on Dealing With In-Laws, my DH and I have had another discussion and he just got very angry, didn't care how I felt, told me to tell someone else about it & that I wasn't trying to solve problems, just create them.
Here is my original post on Dealing with In-Laws
My BIL called last week to invite us to his house for the Superbowl. He got a new big screen TV and wanted us to come see it. We agreed. He called to see if we were still coming and I said "Yes". He then told me that his mother, my MIL was also coming.
I hate it when BIL invites them. They don't care about the game, won't watch it and won't let us watch it either. BIL spends ALL of his free time with MIL. It makes me sick. At any rate, I told my DH that I'm not sure I want to go to BILs house. He asked me if it was because his mother was going. I lied and told him no.
When we got there, 2 other Portuguese speaking people were there. They've never watch football before. It sounded like I was in another country with all the Portuguese speaking that was going on.
I am at my breaking point with these people because they switch off from English to Portuguese whenever they feel like including me.
My husband & I arrive just in time for the game. MIL, SIL, BIL are not paying any attention to the game.... What a surprise. My DH told me that "it's just a game"!! I told him that I really wanted to watch it...
Anyway, I knew MIL would have a BIG PROBLEM with me watching the game. She tried whenever possible to distract me from the game by making stupid converation about moving to Florida with her when she wins the lottery. blah blah blah SAME OLD CRAP!!
She told me that she wants to take a class to learn HOW TO SPEAK ENGLISH. I told her that the best way to learn is to commit herself to speaking English in her everyday life. She told me that it's her husband's fault.. He always speaks Portuguese. She asked me if I could register her for a class at the community college. I told her there weren't any at the local college and they she had to check with a Labor Board or some local organization.
I then told her how frustrating it was for me to not understand alot of the conversations that take place. I explained that although I'm learning the language academically that I had a long way to go and that sometimes it feels that she and the rest of the family don't like me enough to speak English when I'm around. I also told her I feel left out, like an outcast.
She agreed that she needs to speak more English. BTW, she speaks pretty good. All my friends and family think it's a crock of bull that she won't speak English for me and swear she does it to piss me off.
Anyway, the rest of the night, she spoke Portuguese. After everything I said, she didn't care once again. Even my BIL & SIL speak Portuguese too.
The next day I tried to speak with my DH about what happened. He was within earshot and said he heard it all. He thinks that I was very rude to his mother. He thinks that I'm trying to change somthing that I cannot change and that I was too abrasive.
I told him that it's been building up inside. He said he could tell. He doesn't want to talk about it and feels that I am not looking for a solution and that all I want to do is complain.
I feel hopeless because I am beginning to resent his entire family becuase they KNOW that I'm feeling left out, I've expressed this to them. They all work in English speaking workplaces and speak just fine with their English speaking friends.
It hurts me that DH doesn't want to discuss this. It hurts me that he won't ask them to speak English for me. It hurts me that he takes their side all of the time. It makes me very angry when he tells me they can't speak English well....

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I think as long as you are civil and polite to these people, you have nothing to reproach yourself for and I also think that expecting to be welcomed with open arms into a family where they have different ideas and a language barrier might be a little unrealistic. It's up to you not to get so upset about it.
As I said, I have a sister who has a very difficult relationship with her in-laws, but you know what - she makes 100% harder on herself, by caring so much about it. Let your husband care about his family - you be civil and nice, don't do too much that you don't want to and let the resentment about them not including you go - especially since in all probability, they don't have the SOPHISTICATION to realize that their non-inclusive behavior only makes them look petty and unwelcoming.
Forget wanting them to change - that will only make you feel frustrated and upset when they don't - and in all probability they won't no matter what you say or do - or what your husband says... They are probably quite set in their ways and expect you to learn their language and fit in with them. Fair? No, but fair has nothing to do with anything.
Stop stressing and worrying about the things you cannot change and control and work at accepting things the way they are now.
Peace - Pebbles
Thanks for all the though you put into your response. May I ask you whether or not you are in the field of counseling?
Just wondering cuz you really offered a lot of insight!!
:)
I was personally intrigued in my years of dsyfunction, chaos, terror, and upheaval by those people that 'succeeded at everything they did". I thought it was because they were in the right place, at the right time, with the right person, had all the right connections.
I finally figured out that success is a method applied to all situations and venues - it's not in a particular situation or venue. I had to dissect why I was doing what I was doing - to figure out how not to do it without incurring resentment and to become a success and reprogram my thinking pattern, emotional association repetroire, and approach to life.
If I can help, let me know.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Now this stuff about watching the game is just stupid. It is not the real issue. I'm sorry if that is harsh but it really is just a game and the family was just doing what a lot of people do. They use the Superbowl as an excuse to get together and visit. My friends and I did the same thing. Some were interested in the game others weren't and through most of the game we chatted and joked. So don't bother even bringing up not being able to put all your powers of concentration on watching the game. It's a meaningless side issue.
I think the first posted reply is really the best advice you got. The big thing to remember is that you cannot control what any other person on this earth does, you can only control your own actions. This means giving up the idea that by complaining and argueing with your in-laws you will change their behavior. All you can do is change the way you react. You have a lot of choices. Some choices:
1. You can choose not to visit with them. Tell your husband you love him and want him to visit with his family but you feel out of place and unwanted so you are choosing to remove yourself from that environment.
2. You can suck it up and go expecting them to be rude to you and just let it go. Say to yourself, "I knew this would happen and I really don't care about these people so I'm just gonna put my time in until I can blow this taco stand."
3. Ignore them. If they don't carry on the conversation in English then don't participate or respond to them in any way. Stare into space or if everyone is in the kitchen chatting away in their native language. Just get up walk into the living room and turn on the TV or something. Bring a book to family gatherings. Be aware that this is likely to get a rise out of your husband. This is not gonna make them like you either.
Keep in mind that by marrying into the culture you did you set yourself up for some of these misunderstandings. Here in America we don't really prioritize our family. We think husband & wife come first and expect our spouses to side with us before his family. In your husbands culture YOU AS THE WIFE ARE EXPECTED TO BACK HIM, YOU ARE EXPECTED TO PRIORITIZE HIS FAMILY OVER YOURSELF, YOU ARE EXPECTED TO ACCEPT HIS FAMILY AND THEIR WAY OF DOING THINGS, YOU ARE EXPECTED TO BLEND IN WITH HIS FAMILY. Generally in these cultures the husband will put his momma before you out of respect for her bringing him up and taking care of him.
I'm not saying one way is better than another that would be awfully ethnocentric but you are probably going to have to be the one to change in this situation regardless of if it is fair or not.
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