Not only am I stupid, but I am a bad nam

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Not only am I stupid, but I am a bad nam
7
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 9:35am
Hello to All

Not only am I stupid, but now I am a “B”!! For those who read my previous message, “Am I Stupid or just too Trusting”. Now, I find that I am also a “B”.

Over the weekend, my husband and I painted our kitchen/family room ceiling. It was a big job, but we both worked side by side. I had wanted to do this for a long time and even offered to hire someone to paint it for us, but my husband wouldn’t hear of it, claiming he could gladly do it. Then my 12 year old son wanted to buy a phone for his room, with his own money. I agreed, but first we would have to put in a phone jack. We asked my husband if this could be done. He said yes, but that he didn’t want to be nagged every day to get this done, or else he won’t do it. He is tired of being nagged to do things.

Now, I wash all the clothes, cook all the dinners, clean the house, etc. with no one asking me to do so. I only asked him for a couple of things, that I can’t manage on my own. So I think this nagging thing is totally uncalled for. When I defended myself by saying I don’t ask for much, we started getting in a heated argument. I bite my knuckles listening to him spout off, until finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and blurted out “I will never ask you to do anything ever again”

Now, the only thing that my husband has brought to this marriage is debt. He had no assets to speak of. I have a beautiful house, money in bank accounts, bought 2 cars one for him, one for me in my own name, paid for a vacation to the Bahamas in my own credit card, paid for a computer using my own credit card. You see, he can’t get a credit card as he has such bad credit.

But the coup de gra was, I found out that he has been talking to his former girlfriend during his work day on his cell phone (That I have under my name). When I asked him previously if he talked to our “so called” friend Pam, he would reply that he hasn’t heard from her. Well, guess what, he has come to find out. I asked why doesn’t she call at home, why always at work or on his cell phone. His comment is she is afraid that I will get upset!!!!!

Please, give me some good old fashioned advice. I think I want to get out of this fiasco. Or is it just me (as he says, all in my head)

Thanks for any advice and God Bless

Nan

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 10:14am
This is going to be hard to do...but try.

Into this relationship you offered him security, financial stability, resources, options, benefits, ease, comfort, convenience, assurance, and support. You required "nothing" of him to get all of this - from the second you met or at least he "committed" - but at some point he had you and access to everything of yours to do with as he wished - with no obligation to him.

So, why are you thinking that he's going to do anything, bring anything, or be honest with you in this "relationship".

It's a one sided relationship - you're the "mommy". You provide the house, car, allowance, and he's allowed to do whatever he wnats, when and how he wants. That is the 'rules' of this relationship - you provide and require nothing - and he does nothing and gets everything you have or access to it and full run of it.

He got in this "to benefit" - not to be of benefit or consider your needs. If during the dating phase, you'd required him to meet your needs -h e'd have walked, you knew it, so you didn't require you.

You assumed "aisle/altar/hymn" would be "I'll alter him" and now you're finding out that the same set of values that he possesses that justified him to be lacking in personal and professional success and security, that allowed him to "take without giving" from the inception of this relationship - are still in play and he's talking to an ex, on the cell-phone you pay the bill on.

What were you expecting - in all seriousness? What you did was throw open the doors and bank account of your life and say "take waht you want if you'll stay with me"...and he will stay with you - he won't meet your needs, necessarily be faithful, and certainly not honest - but he'll stay - he got in this for benefits, ease, convenience, and secuirty - and as long as you're providing it - he'll stay.

You want him to now be value driven - rather than emotionally driven - and live by standards and work towards goals. YOu can't demand that, being married, or being a step-parent doesn't "make that happen."

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 10:22am
Hi Doubleblade,

I almost forgot to mention the important part, I (guilty as charged) snooped through his winter coat, and guess what I found? 4 rubbers and a gift certificate from his old girlfriend. When I confronted him about this, he said he didn't even know they were there, that it was there so long he forgot about it.

hmmmm.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 10:39am
Here's another way to view this....fault and blame are not a solution, and don't eliminate your requirement to get a solution that meets your standards and is within your values.

You're wanting "validation"...I understand that, I've been there. You want someone to go "Oh, look at all you've given him, and given up, all that you've sacrificed and endured, all that you've tolerated and placated, all that you've lost and stand to lose, oh you poor dear, he's an awful, vile, stupid, ignorant, userous and deceitful excuse of a man."

Well, you wont' get it here....nor will it help you if you "settle" for it from any other source. That that statement above may very well be how you perceive your situation with him....that perception is not "a solution" to your situation. That isn't a perception that has you seeking a solution - other than to "change him, find more proof that you're right and thus justified in leaving, but terrified to leave becuase you don't want to be alone". (which is why you did the opening up of your assets to this degree - you'd settle for anybody that was willing to be with you so that you weren't "alone"). Most people believe there is safety and assistance in numbers..but unless there is a sharing of purpose, goals, values, and priorities - that is completely untrue and what "numbers" produce is destruction and loss, sometimes in great percentage.

So, you can snoop around for years, finding "kinda proof" with him providing excuses and justifications and you wondering "why things don't change, after all I've found that he can't explain, doesn't he get it - he's caught and he's got to stop."

But, values justify actions. And his values justify everything he's doing that you're aware of, and everything that you're unaware of as well. If he thought he was "wrong" - he would change and you wouldn't be in this position.

So, if you want to stay in the problem - do precisely what you're doing. Go around finding proof, confronting and receiving excuses, and continuing to give, sacrifice, tolerate, endure, and expend on his behalf. AT some point, it'll get so blatant you can't ignore it - but your investment in him and this realtionship will be so vast you don't want to lose it - and you'll be in a real conundrum then.

If you want a solution that is proactive and self-generated and self-responsible, get out without validation, proof or affirmation that "I'm such a loser you should lose me" - and go out and create a great life for yourself by your own definitions, efforts, means, and standards. i don't mean in the societal sense of great life - a house, a nice good, a good professional reputation and financial stability - I mean you thought of all those tings as "assets" to buy you what you "wanted/needed" in order to "feel good about yourself" - a relationship.

Go out and form a great single independent complete life - and then when you do want someone to "share it with" - you'll be requiring of them to be just as complete, secure, stable, adn successful as you are - you'll want to "share" - not enable or give.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 11:15am
What more proof do you want or need to figure out that your husband is treating you like dirt? Do you want to continue to be a martyr?

What are your options now? Do you still love him? Do you want to work on the marriage?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 11:40am
Hi

I just want to find the easiest, simplist, less costly way to get out of this mess. I don't want to save the marriage at this point and I do want to go back to being single and peaceful.

N

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 12:06pm
Okay, depending on the state in which you reside - you might have to be physically living apart in order to file for divorce.

But basically, what you're looking at is filing an initial motion, perhaps having him evicted or the court ordering him to get out (another filing procedure and court motion), and then waiting for the specific period of time for separation to be complete, before going before the judge for a final motion to divorce.

Depending on how long you've been together - your state will determine if any of hte assets that you've jointly acquired are to be "split" - either by sale and distribution of profit - or by physically determining what gets what.

If everything was yours prior to marriage, and it has remained in your name only - most state laws would have that property being totally retained by you - nless the marriage has been in existence for a number of years.

If you want "out" - focus on getting out. You're already the only provider and pro-active participant and you're giong to have to get pro-active and provide the necessary actions in order to get a divorce.

And if "possessions" come into contention....actually assess the value of them and determine if it is worth prolonged the marriage, and the potential for debt (because once he gets out on his own, given he's not a provider and got with you for providership - he is likely to incur debt which you'll be jointly liable for (depending on your state regarding legal separation) - at least in the form of IRS taxes). In which case, focus on getting out....and then focus on healing and becoming complete so that you're not giving awa your security in order to get companionship on someone else's terms.

Most state's divorce laws are easily found on-line, and you might ocnsult that if you're unsure of the beginnings of the process.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 5:38pm
Make an appt with an attorney - usually the first visit is a free consulation. Find out what your options are and the best course of action. Rules vary from state-to-state.

My best to you.


Carrie