not ready to give up my marriage
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not ready to give up my marriage
| Fri, 09-10-2004 - 11:31pm |
I am the mother of a 4 year old and an 11 month old. It seems that my husband and I have the same fights over and over and yet get nowhere. Basically, he yells and gets frustrated or annoyed with me and says cruel things to me, says he's sorry, and wants all to be forgiven. Not a day goes by when he does not criticize most of what I do or say. When, however, I am in a bad mood and say something inappropriate, he holds a grudge. I feel like I am living with a double standard but when I try to talk to him about the things that bother me, he accuses me of attacking him. I try to take responsibility for something I feel I have done wrong. He gets mad at me for doing the same things he does to me, only worse, but when I try to tell him this, he accuses me of turning it around on him and not taking responsibility for what I have done wrong. I am so frustrated and hurt because I feel like I am not ever in a position to stick up for myself. WHen I do, I am told that I am being defensive and that I don't listen. I can't seem to break this cycle, and I am miserable. I cannot bear, however, to think of breaking up my family. It would break my 4-year-old son's heart and I don't want to do that.

If the pattern you've described is constantly happening EVERYDAY....you've got 2 choices:
1. LIVE WITH IT!
2. MAKE THE NECESSARY CHANGES IN YOUR LIFE AND MOVE FORWARD.
Pianoguy thought about suggesting that you take a month off and stay with family or friends...but on 2nd thought, it's unlikely that your husband wants to work on the problem alone?
Unfortunately...the longer you put up with his complaining...the sooner you're going to crack! If the man refuses to deal with HIS problem...you might want to address YOURS a.s.a.p.??? Sorry I can't be more encouraging.
Pianoguy
Also, consider reading "How One of you Can Bring the Two of You Together". Not a magic bullet but contains fantastic food for thought.
Best of luck,
Terri
its not easy to break the cycle. you are both so caugth up in who's to blame for what (issues)- that you keep skipping over the real problems.
if you are both serious about working on the marrige - then get into counseling. shop around, ask your dr for a referral - do your homework about what you want and what you hope to accomplish - and get to work. and it IS work. its not about someone waving a magic wand - you (both) have a lot of work to do, and often things can ge worse before they get better