Not sexually attracted to my boyfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2004
Not sexually attracted to my boyfriend
1
Sat, 05-08-2004 - 10:50am
Hello.

I'm feeling such emotional confusion.

I've been with the most wonderful man ever for 3.5 years now. We live together and we adore our lives as a couple. We don't argue about anything except our sex life.

He would love to have sex at least once a week, if not more. But, I am not particularly fond of our time in bed. I have a small frame and he is very well endowed. In addition, I just don't think he knows how to touch me in a way that keeps me aroused. In disgust, I feel like my little brother is touching me. It is so awful!

We've communicated about this over and over again and nothing seems to work. He thinks I have too many pent up emotional issues and cannot overcome them in order to find pleasure with our lovemaking. I think he is right.

Then, to complicate matters, there is another man. Just recently, I started talking to an old friend and we've both expressed a longing for each other. Out of respect for my current relationship, my old friend and I have slowed our communications. We send very short but daily emails to each other.

I do not and will not abandon my current boyfriend for anyone else. I have been fairly open about my feelings for wanting to break off our relationship. Although, I have not mentioned that I am thinking about someone else. My boyfriend loves me very much and he's not ready for us to separate. I said that I would try to work things out with him. But every time he wants to get intimate, I find a way to stop it from going any further. We're just not sexually compatible. He said that if I just told him what I wanted in bed, then maybe he could work on it. Again with the little brother feeling, I don't want to show him how to touch me. He either can or cannot. As it is, I am too self-conscious and worried about my own performance in bed and feel unable to work on his issues along with my own.

I love my boyfriend with all my heart, but I am still emotionally cheating on him with another man.

I feel like an awful person and I never want to hurt anyone.

Do I leave a wonderful man for someone who *might* be better for me? Or do I stick around and hope that things will improve? Is it possible to have a sexless yet loving relationship?

Also, my entire family, my coworkers and all of my friends adore my boyfriend. They would all be really upset with me if I ever did anything to hurt him.

-Y

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 05-08-2004 - 2:24pm
Even if you leave your current bf, the underlying emotional issues aren't going to go away. If you leave, leave not for another relationship, but for yourself. Consider counseling to help you both communicate your needs, wants and desires - so you can teach him what please you. Stay away from the 'thrill' of a new relationship. If you don't deal with the issues in your current relationship, they will follow you to the next. They may not manifest immediately, but they will come back to haunt you.


Carrie