Not sure how to go forward

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2008
Not sure how to go forward
6
Tue, 05-14-2013 - 9:22am

Hi everyone, well it's been a while since I've been on the boards!  I'm in a bit of a dilema and really just need some support, suggestions, I really think I know what I need to do, but it's just hard ..

So.. I have been dating my bf for 1 year (we met on eharmony.com), I thought our relationship was the best I'd ever been in, being with him made me feel like I was in high school again, I mean literally head over heals in love and excitement I had whenever we were together.  I thought for sure (and told many friends) he is the best guy a girl could ask for, soo sweet, caring, thoughtful.. but.. every now and then I'd have my radar go off and I'd get the feeling (you know it, that gut one) that something was not quite right.  About 3 weeks ago the feelings started getting worse, I mean, butterflies and all, so I confronted him and asked if there was anything he needed to tell me, was he talking to other women, feelings changing, what?  He swore up and down, no no no, you are the only one for me, I have no interest in anyone else.. you can check my phone, emails if you don't believe me.  Hey he offered so I said ok, let me see.  This is totally out of character for me by the way.. but I was soo sure there was something..  and what did I find?  Under his browser he had the Eharmony screen up.. I said whats this?  And he played dumb, I said go log on to it I want to see.. and he acted like he'd forgotten his password because he'd not been on there in soo long.. me? didn't buy it.  What did I do?  I logged on to my old eharm profile and reinstated it.. only to see his profile was up and running again!  I was soo hurt.  He had sat there and told me straight to my face there was no one else, but in fact yes, there were some women he was talking to at that site.  My gut feeling is that he's gone to dinner on atleast one or two occassions when I was busy, of course he adamently denies.  He has since deleted the profile, but for all I know he could be on other sites as well.  Now I question everything he tells me.  He's got a meeting at work.. my mind jumps to he must be meeting someone for lunch.  If I can't reach him  by phone I assume he's up to no good, etc.  I feel like it's making me psycho and this is not me!!  I really don't think I can get past this, and he may or may have not slept with any other woman, at this point who knows.. which is a very scary thought, do you think I'm blowing this out of proportion?  I mean, it was so easy for him to stay straight faced and lie to me when I asked him initially it really makes me question how many other lies he's told me.  It's sad because I really do care for him we have fun together, but I just hate doubting every blasted thing he says!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2005
Tue, 05-14-2013 - 10:59am

May I ask how old you are? That may help people formulate a better response.

Being a previous online dater (match.com) myself...

I drove myself crazy, like you, wondering if he was cheating on me. Unfortunately it is very easy to get yourself upset when things don't seem right. I did the same thing - reinstated my profile to see if his was in fact still activated. I even found his profile on another site. When I confronted him, I got the same response: oh, well I never de-activated it but I haven't looked at it, etc.

Guys are dumb. They do dumb things. Women never trust guys. Women over-analyze and always think their man is up to no good. That's our primitive way. We are a pathetic race! haha

Okay, that doesn't help you. Here's the deal: We will never know what they are up to unless we spy on them everyday or we happen to catch them. Is that how you want to spend your life? A year is long, but it goes by so quickly so if he is cheating, you will get over him very quickly - like I did. And if you break up with him and he doesn't try to get you back, then he isn't the one anyway. If you choose to stay with him, then you need to trust him, just like he needs to trust you. If there is no trust between you, then the relationship will fail anyway.

BTW - guys don't de-activate their profiles as quickly as women do. We do it because we want to feel like we are in a committed relationship. guys don't do it because - they are dumb - and they are lazy. My ex had his up but I know he never looked at it because there was an icon that tells you when the last time they logged in was. My DH had his profile up a very long time into our relationship - same reasoning that he just didn't de-activate it.

Did I mention that men are dumb? And they drive us women to do dumb things like become international spies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2008
Tue, 05-14-2013 - 12:50pm

Thanks for making me laugh Arbylee!  

I am 37, this is my first serious relationship since my divorce 2 years ago, I had dated here and there until I met him.  

I also keep thinking over and over if he really felt the way he says he does about me he would have never done this, I've been asked out since we've started dating and of course I said no, because I only had eyes for him.  I thought it went both ways!  Dumb.  Uggh..

Thanks for your response, I really appreciate it, it feels good to get it out there and talk about it rather than let it continue to fester inside me.  Undecided

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012
Tue, 05-14-2013 - 5:20pm

I am a guy who is old enough to have been to two county fairs and have several happily married kids who probably have a couple of years on you.  With all due respect to your first reply, I don't think that men are dumb nor do I think that women don't trust men.  Our experiences and circumstances cause some people to behave that way but someone who wants to give a serious try at solving a relationship problem doesn't walk away from a good faith effort by using some really childish generalizations.  In the world I live in--probably the same one as you--men and women live together, work together, and build their families and communities together.  'nuff said.  My  thoughts:  You haven't been with this guy all that long.  And it APPEARS that you and your friend's communication skills aren't helping you any.  My suggestion is that you let him know very clearly what your concerns are and tell him that you don't think the two of you are ready for an exclusive relationship yet.  Why don't you date each other and other people as well?  If your bond is meant to grow stronger, it will.  If it's not, it won't.  All of this spy drama seems to me to be a facade or barricade to your finding out if the basis for your relationship has real potential.  What's the worst that can happen if this relationship ends?  Wouldn't you be better off than you are now?  Start making a serious effort to find out where the two of you stand.  Beats the heck out of drama. I wish you the very best of luck.  Craig

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Tue, 05-14-2013 - 7:10pm

ohnoididnt wrote:
<p style="text-align:left">Hi everyone, well it's been a while since I've been on the boards!  I'm in a bit of a dilema and really just need some support, suggestions, I really think I know what I need to do, but it's just hard ..</p><p style="text-align:left">So.. I have been dating my bf for 1 year (we met on eharmony.com), I thought our relationship was the best I'd ever been in, being with him made me feel like I was in high school again, I mean literally head over heals in love and excitement I had whenever we were together.  I thought for sure (and told many friends) he is the best guy a girl could ask for, soo sweet, caring, thoughtful.. but.. every now and then I'd have my radar go off and I'd get the feeling (you know it, that gut one) that something was not quite right.  About 3 weeks ago the feelings started getting worse, I mean, butterflies and all, so I confronted him and asked if there was anything he needed to tell me, was he talking to other women, feelings changing, what?  He swore up and down, no no no, you are the only one for me, I have no interest in anyone else.. you can check my phone, emails if you don't believe me.  Hey he offered so I said ok, let me see.  This is totally out of character for me by the way.. but I was soo sure there was something..  and what did I find?  Under his browser he had the Eharmony screen up.. I said whats this?  And he played dumb, I said go log on to it I want to see.. and he acted like he'd forgotten his password because he'd not been on there in soo long.. me? didn't buy it.  What did I do?  I logged on to my old eharm profile and reinstated it.. only to see his profile was up and running again!  I was soo hurt.  He had sat there and told me straight to my face there was no one else, but in fact yes, there were some women he was talking to at that site.  My gut feeling is that he's gone to dinner on atleast one or two occassions when I was busy, of course he adamently denies.  He has since deleted the profile, but for all I know he could be on other sites as well.  Now I question everything he tells me.  He's got a meeting at work.. my mind jumps to he must be meeting someone for lunch.  If I can't reach him  by phone I assume he's up to no good, etc.  I feel like it's making me psycho and this is not me!!  I really don't think I can get past this, and he may or may have not slept with any other woman, at this point who knows.. which is a very scary thought, do you think I'm blowing this out of proportion?  I mean, it was so easy for him to stay straight faced and lie to me when I asked him initially it really makes me question how many other lies he's told me.  It's sad because I really do care for him we have fun together, but I just hate doubting every blasted thing he says!</p>

At what point in the last year did you two have the talk about exlcusivity?  Were you dating with no declarations made or was one made?

If none was made, then he's free, just like you're free, to date whomever and have what ever profile up on whatever site you wish.  If one was made, then you've got a problem with a liar--and do you want to deal with a liar?  Do you like the person you had to become in order to suss out the truth from him?  Like Arbylee said--is that the way you want to live your life? Cause you now know that that will be a requirement of you should you choose to proceed knowing what you know.

I can tell you that that is no way to live.  It will end up stressing you out far more than is necessary when you can do the easiest thing and walk away.  Not all relationships are meant to be: some are learning lessons to see if you are ready for the kind of love you deserve.  If you fail to learn the lesson, then the same character will revisit you in different bodies until you do learn it.  I suggest you take this as a learning experience, re-up your profile and start dating again. This one ain't the one for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 05-15-2013 - 12:29am

Here's the thing.  You know for a fact he's lied to you, not once, but a few times that you KNOW about.  You have that "feeling" and you no longer trust him.  This is why we date.  To get to know the person, and to figure out if he's the "one".  Guess what?  This guy is not the "one".  It hurts you?  sure it does, but think how much more it would hurt if you'd already married him.  Some men are liars.  Your radar told you he was lying, and you were right.  Now is the time to say thanks, but no thanks.....and walk away.  You've given him a year of your life..........and that's enough to give.  The only thing worse would be to give him a year and a day!  There are plenty of fish in the ocean, and not finding one wouldn't be the end of the world...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2008
Tue, 05-21-2013 - 10:23am

I appreciate everyones comments, I know what I need to do, I guess i just needed confirmation.  I can't move forward in the relationship questioning everything he says or does which is where I feel that I'm at in the moment. I feel sick and nauseaus. I know you are thinking geez crazy lady you only dated a year!  That's a drop in the bucket.  I guess it's just that I thought we had a real connection, not to mention amazing sex life (sorry if TMI), but I guess that can get you everytime.  I deserve happiness and to be in a relationship where I can trust the man I'm with and vice versa.  I just want to thank each and everyone of you for your responses.  I just hate to think about the actual break up, ugh,.. I know the first days and weeks will be difficult, I just want to stay holed up in my house and I hate to think about him seeing someone else, but hey this is what dating is about.. I will get through it.  Once again, thanks soo much.