not sure if this can work?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2014
not sure if this can work?
Fri, 01-31-2014 - 12:48pm

i met my current boyfriend a few years ago. he wasnt in a place emotionally to start a relationship and he had a family member pass away. he moved from new york to the west coast to resolve things and clear his head. we talked the whole time and he decided 9 months ago to move back here to be with me. 

we had some fights when he got back. mostly over small things. insecurity issues that came up. ive always tried my best to be open with him and make his transition here better, knowing how hard it was for him moving futher away from his family. they live closer to california. my family has been so supportive of him and welcoming. all of my friends love him and love how happy i have been.

he has been here short of a year (9 months) and wants to move again. my situation doesnt really afford me to move with him. if he did move it would probably be to his hometown which is not a major city and doesnt offer any opportunity for me. i would be living his life if i moved with him.

i'm not sure what to do. we broke up so he could figure it all out and make a decision. we are still here in new york an i have been extremely depressed about how immobilized i am. i want him to stay. i also know i cant force an ultimatum or decision on him in a certain timeframe. i also know its only been about a month of this limbo and i am already going crazy. ive been trying my best to just be patient and focus on myself completely.

i guess i just would like some support or insight into what others would do. should i just move on knowing he probably will move? i wish i were enough to keep him here but i dont think i am. and i am having such a hard time processing that. it feels like he just moved back yesterday, and i dont know where or what city he would be happy in. i wish he would give it a full chance here.

i am heart broken :(

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 01-31-2014 - 1:17pm

I have to be honest, I have never been in this situation, but I will throw out my thoughts.

It sounds like you are really happy in NY.  So I am glad you had enough sense not just say "okay, we can live off of love" and think it would all be okay.  So good for you on that point.  

And if he were posting, I would tell him he needs to follow his intuition.  I would challenge him though on why he "needs" to move. And is the pull so strong worth ending the R with you.  

If I understood you correctly, you two broke things off based on his desire to move and your desire to stay.   I can understand not being ready to give up on him and move on.  Who knows, it may still work out.  But, it is important that you be okay being single.  Relationships are wonderful and I believe humans were created to have intimate relationships, but no other person should be your everything.  KWIM?

For what it is worth, I will say that if you are going to take a chance on love and move, do it now while you are young and don't have kids.  

Take care and good luck!!!

Serenity CL making a second marrige work

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 01-31-2014 - 2:59pm

It seems like this guy has some issues of not really knowing what he wants to do with his life.  I do not think that most people would move across the country just because a family member died unless there was some reason he was needed by the family.  So apparently he was not ready to move back emotionally but wanted to keep the relationship with you.  Now it's not like he even has a plan--he's not saying that he wants to move to LA cause he has this really great job offer.  He has some indefinite plan--maybe to move back to his hometown--he hasn't even decided that definitely yet and I assume that he doesn't have a job.  he must know that if he plans on living in a small town there are no job opportunities for you comparable to living in NYC.  So basically he's already made the decision for you--he has chosen moving over being with you.  He hasn't come up with a good plan to convince you to move with him, has he?  So I'd say just assume you are broken up and go on with your life.  It doesn't sound like he's in a really good place to have a relationship right now anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2014
Fri, 01-31-2014 - 3:20pm

thank you all for the feedback. the family member was his father and they were very close. he said he couldnt deal with living in a city like new york while coping with his death. he moved to the west coast to be with his brother who had moved there as well and to be closer to his family.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Fri, 01-31-2014 - 7:23pm

Let me see if I have this straight.  You met this guy in NYC a few YEARS ago.  "(H)e wasnt in a place emotionally to start a relationship...", his father died, and he decided to return to the west coast AFTER his father died, to do whatever.  You pursued him during the YEARS he was on the west coast, and finally talked him into returning to NYC 9 months ago. 

*I* know moving east wasn't an idea HE broached, or was happy about because:  1)you have fought ever since he returned; 2)he has been insecure;  3)you TRIED to "... make his transition here better, knowing how hard it was for him moving futher away from his family..."; 4) he wants to move back, and finally 5)he broke up with you.

YOU are the one obsessed with him.  You are the one with a problem.  He wasn't all that interested in a relationship with you from the getgo, because he moved home AFTER his father died.  If he was that close to his dad, one would have thought he would have gone to be with him while he was still ALIVE.  He wanted to go home more than he wanted to be with you.  And now, he wants to go home again.

Leave this guy alone.  Accept that he is not as interested in you, as you are in him.  Get a life of your own, which you should have done long ago. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Sat, 02-01-2014 - 3:10pm

I think that first you need to accept that he is no longer your "current" bf, he is your EX bf. He broke up a month ago and if he was going to realize that he couldn't live without you he would have already come begging you to get back together. Then realize that you can never be "enough" to keep him in NY because his problems are not about you or the relationship. A guy that feels the need to move cross-country twice in one year is searching for something inside himself. Until he makes peace with himself he won't be ready to commit to a relationship; and if he hasn't found it within the few years that you've known him then he probably won't find it quickly this time either. He's doing you a favor by breaking up because he cannot give you what you want.

Have a pity party if you need to, and mourn the death of your dream of a future with this guy. Wish him good luck in his quest then say goodbye, and focus on living the life that YOU want.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 02-01-2014 - 11:16pm

Always live your own life.  Bf's,friends,lover,enemies all come and go but you remain.   It is for yourself you must live.  Sat good bye to this chapter and turn the page.