Not Sure If I Should Continue Relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2004
Not Sure If I Should Continue Relationship
7
Fri, 08-16-2013 - 4:41pm

I have been dating my boyfriend for 1 year 4 months. He is my first series boyfriend and I find the whole situation very confusing. On one hand, he is very understanding of some health - energy issues that I have, gives me unexpected presents,and is very appreciative of the way I look. He has spoken about loving me than denied it, suggested we go get married and I have told him we are not ready.

The problem is I just don't feel I am a priority in his life. He doesn't just want to hang out and do stuff and if he does it is just to get something done he has to get done. For example, we were supposed to go on a date to the mall yesterday to window shop and watch a movie and we had both agreed to this. Instead, he brough his new mac computer to the apple store and asked questions about his computer. He didn't want to look around any stores I wanted to go in he wanted to take his new computer back to future shop and trade it for one with more memmory. We did this went back to the mall because it was closer to the mall and I was so hungry, we ate, and we went to look at movies he wasn't even interested and said next wekk but I really have my doubts about that. He didn't even want to go back to his apartment and hang out because his cousin was there. I mean we don't have to make out or have sex we can just play on our computers or whatever together even with his cousin there. But he wasn't interested. 

All he wants to do is have sex ( which is also very unsatisifying because he is hesitant to touch me down there for some reason in the last half year and I can't come with him just in me. He doesn't do foreplay and if he does he just hurts me. I told him this but he doesn't seem to get how not to be rough. the only thing we have going is great affection and comfortablness with each other.He is new to sex and so am I but if I suggest or say something he just thinks Im wrong. In fact, he just thinks I am wrong in general. 

He doesn't want my help but he wants me around, he doesn't know what he wants. For instance, I am a certified interior decorator and he wouldn't even let me help with his new place. He is very picky, tells me I eat too much when I watch  my diet so carefully because I can't so cardiovascular excercise medically. He is rare to give compliments, hard to talk to. He is quite and doesn't share stories or things with me easily about his life out work up North in Alberta as a chef, or about any of his friends besides his cousin, and he never wants to do what I want to do, he wants to do what he wants to do in the time he wants to do it. Yesterday at the mall for instance, he slept in to 2 pm, the time he was supposed to pick me up and we didn't leave until 4 pm. He is often late and will do stuff late the night before even though he has plans with me.

I know he is a quite guy but the lack of conversation is killing me also the lack of explanations for simple questions like what are you doing right now? I'll text him and he will only answer the questions he wants to answer and when we talk he seems to not hear half the stuff I say and Im not even talking a lot. 

He holds my hand, picks me up, most often make sure he pays, he is very good at calming me down and telling me everything is alright. I tried to break up with him and he convinced me to stay with him that he got that i wanted to be a priority in his life. But Im exhausted trying to figure out what is going on with him because he hardly talks and doesnt' tell the whole story of what is going in situations for example, like his computer. I really like him and I'm starting to question why? What do I do? I know I'm not perfect but he's foreign and it's like he doesn't even have common courtesy towards me to tell me he'll be late, or what time he wants to go out, or that he has to get something done.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 08-16-2013 - 5:58pm

I am thinking that by this time in your R, you both need to figure out how to accept eachother for exactly who you are.  If you can't, then it probably won't work out long-term. 

Only you can decide what you are willing to live with and can accept, and what you can't.  Assume that he will never change, be honest about how these things make you feel, and see what happens. 

Mention the day at the mall and movie scenario.  Does he even know that this bothers you?  If so, and he doesn't care, then it may be time to move on.  If he knows, and tries to be more considerate, then you may be able to continue.  I know you mentioned several things, but this is just one example.

Good luck and let us know how it goes. 

Serenity CL making a second marriage work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 08-16-2013 - 7:15pm

Let me see--he kind of ignores you, doesn't do what you want to do, the sex isn't good & he's not a good communicator.  The fact that he pays when you go on dates is pretty minimal to make up for that.  From what you explained his bad qualities outweigh the good ones by a lot.  So why are you still with him?  believe me, this is as good as it's going to get because people are on better behavior at the beginning of a relationship.  If you got married, he'd probably be even worse cause there would be no reason to try to impress you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2013
Fri, 08-16-2013 - 7:15pm

I think you are right to not marry him yet, if at all!  I'm not one to say 'oh you should ditch him', because I understand that relationships are complicated and when you're upset more of the bad points of a relationship comes out in your posts, and the good is sometimes left out.  

But with that said I think you do have to sit him down and explain exactly why you aren't ready for marriage and explain to him that you still don't feel like you're his priority.  Give examples if you have to.  But let him know as long as you feel this way that you can't marry him.  And, whatever you say.... stick to it.  If you say you can't be with him if x, y, and z don't change, be willing to follow thorough.  Because if he sees he can get away with it, he'll see no reason to change his behavior!

(((HUGS)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Fri, 08-16-2013 - 7:31pm

The purpose of dating is to see if a person is right for you. You gave him time to show you the type of person he is and how he will treat you in the long run. The good is not enough. Not being a priority in a partner's life should be a dealbreaker. You are not sexually compatible, which is a major path to a life of frustration. I was once in a one year relationship with a man very like yours. I did care about him and thought I loved him at the time, but was not a priority in his life, nor was anyone. We were incompatible in every way possible, and yet I still hoped he'd change. It took him breaking up with me and me actually being grateful after several month apart from the situation. He did me a favor. I eventually met my future husband who is compatible with me in every important way and I'm definitely a priority of his. I'm a million times happier in this relationship. We are human and can care about highly flawed people, but it's in our best interest to let them go for our own sake. You simply have to tell him the relationship isn't working for you, and stick to your decision. Guys like this only change for the short term. They either have it in them or they don't from the get-go. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 08-18-2013 - 11:28am

I'm confused!  No relationship is perfect, of course.  No one, including you, is perfect!  But after all your complaints about his behavior, his lack of attention, his lack of affection, all he wants is sex, which is unsatisfying, he takes you somewhere like a mall, but then does only what HE wants, ignores what you want, he doesn't talk to you, doesn't want to spend time with you unless it's for sex......BUT YOU LIKE HIM???  What is it you like?  That he pays for dinner?  I think you can pay for your own dinner! 

You need to lose this loser, and find your self respect.  If you respected yourself, you wouldn't allow him or anyone else to disrespect you, and he DOES disrespect you constantly.  You need to learn to love yourself.....so that you will not allow anyone else to treat you the way he treats you.  People with low self respect attract losers like him.  You don't NEED a man in your life, but if you work on yourself you'll attract a good man who will care more about you than he cares about himself, as this selfish loser does.  Get rid of him!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2004
Thu, 08-29-2013 - 1:51pm

Well, some interesting things have happened recently and actually we have worked things out amazingly enough. I know most of you advised me to get rid of him but I glad I didn't we had a great talk and things have been going amazing. And I give him some credit as this is only his second relationship and the longest he's had.

I explained to him how I felt like I wasn't a priority in his life, gave him examples of how we can just spend time hanging out sometime at his or my place, going grocery shopping, cooking, and dates and he really took this to heart and we have been spending a lot of time together doing whatever. As for the mall incident he didn't really realize it was a date he just thought I needed something there. But I explained to him how it was and he apologized. All around I've seen a really big effort on his part to alter his behavior. I wrote him a letter earlier about what I needed in bed and if he could just listen to me. He was happy to comply and now things are pretty awesome their. Turns out I wasn't exactly being communicative to him in bed which is true so he didn't know if what he was doing was good or not, he couldn't tell and said he needs me to straight out tell him. So I do and awesome results.

He still has his flaws but overall I really see an effort in him that I haven't seen since the beginning of the relationship. I almost broke up with him and I think that spurred him into action. Last weekend we had one of the closest weekends ever and he admited he has loved me for like 6 months in fact, it is me who is just getting into the l love you part of the relationship. He has been attentative and although I know people often return  to old behaviors I am hoping if I remind him and he knows how I feel about everything now that he keeps that in mind.

Good choice, I don't know, but it really feels like the right choice. 

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 09-04-2013 - 12:02pm

I was going to echo what the others have said and tell you to dump him, but it is another one of those miraculous turn arounds which to me smacks of some amount of denial about the reality of the situation. I'm not sure how one can go from a large laundry list of red flags to everything is hunky-dorey.