Not sure if it's worth it...
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| Thu, 04-10-2008 - 2:13pm |
I posted this in another forum but thought I would post it here also, more ideas I am hoping!
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. I was married before and he was too (well, he is technically still married...not sure if the divorce is final). My ex and I have a pretty ok relationship as far as our communication with each other (he has a girlfriend and I refuse to be a "pest" to her). My bf's ex, on the other hand, has be the "pest" in my life. At first, it wasn't in my face because my bf and I were in a LDR and would only be with each other maybe 1.5 weeks a month. In that week, I would notice that his ex would talk to him about once a day, not child related either. My bf would just blow her off and I kept my mouth shut about how much I noticed it happening. When I did bring it up, he said it wasn't as much as I "thought" it was and he never talked to her...he would basically hear from her everyday but would say he "ignored" it so he didn't "realize" it was that much contact. The more time we spent together, the more I noticed the contact was almost constant. We moved in together over a month ago and now, with the constant contact at all hours, I just couldn't "deal" with it anymore and it became a problem. My bf and I discussed it and he finally saw it from my perspective and confronted her about it finally (after like 5 months of it happening and him not "seeing" it). This all happened less than two weeks ago and it's all still "raw" to me, but I just can't seem to get past his defending their contact as nothing wrong and basically pushing my feelings aside for months now. Well, each time I have to hear about her and this or that, even if it's just regarding his kids, I get sick to my stomach...I get mad at him even though lately it's just regarding the kids coming here or things dealing with them. I think dealing with it for so long has made me give up trying to be "ok" with anything of his "other life" as I would call it.
I think I am jealous now that she has him always, no matter what him and I have together. He says I'm the love of his life, the person he wants to spend forever with but he will never marry me and in the process of our relationship, he got a vasectomy which means, if I am with him, we will never have a kid (we have 5 amongst us, we don't need any more but the thought of "our" kid would be nice). I have not felt for anyone the way I feel for him...I want to be his wife, the mother of his kids (just the possibility)...I have never felt that for anyone, not even my ex!!!
So now I deal with a feeling of jealousy towards her when I shouldn't feel any at all, cuz he is with me. The way he handled the situation didn't help, really made it worse because he defended her contact with him and didn't see what she was doing to me (I did tell him a lot that I had problems with it being too excessive but he just wouldn't see what everyone could see). I am not a "jealous" person so this is a weird feeling for me and it makes me more mad than anything. I get mad at him for mentioning her name, for asking me my opinion about what he should regarding things she ask him to do with the kids...I want to be part of that, but being part of it, hurts like heck.
How does one get past all the bad feelings when the cause won't ever go away??? I love him but feel I've tried long enough.

This is not what you want to hear. If you're looking for a specific answer detailing how to fix this situation without leaving it then please stop reading, because although I wish I could, I can't give you that answer.
This is not a good man to put yourself on hold for.
"(well, he is technically still married...not sure if the divorce is final)"
"Well, each time I have to hear about her and this or that, even if it's just regarding his kids, I get sick to my stomach"
"I want to be his wife, the mother of his kids (just the possibility)"
"he will never marry me and in the process of our relationship, he got a vasectomy which means, if I am with him, we will never have a kid"
(I agree with the part of you that says "five is enough". You do not need to physically have children together in order to be parents together.)
"I love him but feel I've tried long enough."
I'm sorry.
You feel a close connection with him, but you have to let yourself read between the lines and see that this is not the man for you.
The FEELING of love and the FEELING of chemistry do not make a relationship, they are just feelings and feelings change over time. They are not substantial enough to keep two people together.
What keeps two people together is compatibility and security with one another, including the enjoyment of the situation you're in with him and the desire to continue on in the same way.
This man is very much attached to his wife. She is not his ex. I'm afraid that you are wasting a lot of time that you won't get back by continuing to dwell on how you can get him to see your point of view.
Going from marriage, to dating someone else, to ending a marriage is not a circumstance that often works out in the end. If you were to continue dating this guy then you would be fighting a real uphill battle, and you'd be up against some steep odds.
I wish things were better for you but unfortunately I don't this is a relationship that is "fixable" in any way other than not being in it. I'm sorry, good luck.
You are quite right, she will never go away, in one form or another, because she is the mother of his children. That's just part of realtionships the second time around. You are holding onto all this anger with how he handled it for months, but it sounds as though he's changed now. So, you need to ask yourself why you're holding onto this resentment? Are you upset that he won't marry you or have children with you as well? Is that why the jealousy is there?
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Thank you for your insight!
I do have a tendency to hold a "grudge". I feel I have tried for a long time to get over this, but have been slapped in the face each time I am "ok" with things. I was in a marriage for 8+ years in which my ex would do basically the same things, hear my problem with something, pseudo fix it, then go back to doing what was wrong in the first place when he felt I was "good" with it all.
My bf is making changes and I am happy for him and us if they work out, for his benefit too. I just feel it's a quick "fix" to make me at ease and the next storm is just waiting to hit. My defenses are up which is probably why I am holding on to some resentment towards him. I put everything I have into this relationship and was being short changed, yet again. Maybe my expectations are too high and people are different, but I know how I am with my ex and there is no reason for my bf's ex to be the way she is/was...I always felt he was giving her false hope. I also know that she will always be a part of his life and I have first hand experience with that, because I will always be a part of my ex's life but there should be limitations to how much a part of the new life the ex should be involved in, jmho.
I will admit I have some jealousy towards her because of the fact she has a part of the man I love that I will never have...I understand that and I'm "ok" with it on many levels (the jealous feelings are childish) but knowing I can't even get him to be what I need him to be for us to be ok, makes it all feel worse. Like I'm not "good" enough to even deserve the respect of a real relationship (an ex being a part of my every day life, is not fair to me and there has been no reason for it to be that way). I am working through those feelings but having a hard time because my bf doesn't understand that I need time and can't be the lovey dovey, happy about us person he thinks I should be. That in itself makes me, again, feel like my feelings are nothing to him.
I know all the answers are inside me, it's just sad to know I have again, put so much of myself out there and gotten so much less in return...
Hmm, it seems that the problem is that you are further along in the dissolution/aftermath of your marriage ending than he is.