Not sure what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Not sure what to do
8
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 9:36am
Well where should i begin. My husband and I have been together for over 8 years been married 5 this year, (yeah). Anyway we have one child together but 3 total (he has 2 boys that live w/us.) Anyway my husband likes to stop after work and have a drink and when he gets home he becomes verbally abusive. This has been going on for the last 8 years. I have no idea what to do. Our daughter and I have left 2 times and I always told him if we ever leave again I won't be back. You see the first time I left we were not married but had our daughter and it was my first child to ever have and as a new mom she scared the hell out of me of course. Anyway when he wouldn't come home right after work I would take her in her car seat to the bar and tell him "say good night to your daughter". (not a smart thing i know) Anyway after we left to live back w/ my parents I would call him and keep seeing him hoping that it would change and it did he asked me to marrry him and i said yes. (why i am stilling wondering) anyway it didn't get any better. Than after being married 3 years i left again b/c of money situation we both agreed on it would be best if i left and that way he couldn't verbally abuse me. Right! Well i came back again b/c i still called and chased after him. Like always. His boys moved in before i left that time and it was hard on me b/c i wasn't working and he was paying everything. And i was spending trying to make their move good you know. Anyway lately he is still doing the samething drinking and yelling at me and i don't want our daughter to ever meet or marry a guy like her father b/c it isn't right. I am gettting freed up being call a worthless bitch and that i don't do anything at home all day but sit on my fat ass and eat which i don't i run the kids everywhere and clean but of course he doesnt' c that. I have really thought long and hard about this and to make myself and my daughter better people i feel that if i left out of this she will see me as a strong woman in here life. Please help i don't know what to do if i should just stay or leave. He always tell me that if I leave no one in their right mind would ever want me b/c i am a bitch and worthless. when i feel that yeah he would find someone for a bit but never would anyone stay b/c they would have to put up w/ his ex - wife and the kids and him . I do love the boys we have come a long way and sometimes i feel that is why i stay b/c of them. HELP
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 9:59am
'i don't want our daughter to ever meet or marry a guy like her father'

Then why on earth would *you* want to be married to him?

'He always tell me that if I leave no one in their right mind would ever want me'

If you believe this than it is time to go to therapy. Figure out why you are putting up with him. Besides, this isn't about you finding another man, it is about getting away from this horrible situation and concentrating on your daughter for awhile.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 10:33am
well i agree with the daughter thing, but the funny part is at rare times he can be nice just not recently. it isn't about other guys b/c right now i don't want one. just don't want a big blow out conflict when i leave so i am not sure how to go about all this w/o the kids getting involved.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 10:53am
How could you do this without the kids being involved? The fact is that they will all be disrupted and affected by the separation and you are better off being honest with them then not communicating what is going on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 2:21pm
Well whats one more big blow out ? Seems to me it would be better for all concerned if you just had one final blow out and be done with it. I hate being so blunt but sometimes its necessary. Once your out of this relationship and maybe you shouldnt even wait until then you really need to get yourself some counceling. You need to find out why you keep going back to a verbally abusive husband who degrades you every chance he gets. You need to think of whats best for you and your daughter that absolutely needs to come first. I do have a question though. Is it just you he's verbally abusive with or is he abuses to the kids as well ? If he's been abusive in any form to the children its my suggestion that you get them into some sort of counceling as well, you probably cant do too much about the boys since they arent yours but definately your daughter. And what about the boys mother? Do she play any part in their lives if so maybe she needs to step in as far as her children are concerned. Your sanity and emotional well being are at stake here as well as your daughter's. Please for your own welfare leave this man , take care of your daughter and don't look back, if he didn't change the last 2 times you left him then he isnt ever going to. Good luck in your decisions, I know they are hard, I've been there and leaving was the best move I ever made, I'm now in a great relationship with an awesome man who treats me like I deserve to be treated. *Big Hugs* for you , sounds like you need them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 3:09pm
wow where should i begin w/her. she is the reason the boys live w/us. she drinks everynight w/no one there w/her. she tried to stab the oldest one w/ a butter knife that is how we got them w/us. and she is very abusive also. that is one of the reason i am still here b/c she puts them boys through hell. and their dad isn't any better. he doesn't hit any of us but boy does he yell. it is finally comig down to me leaving. i have been thinking long and hard and i just want to be sure i guess. i know i am the only one that can decide on this and i am just soooo tired of the bull that comes out of his mouth and can't figure out y! b/c his parents aren't like that at all. i just don't know what to do b/c he can be nice just not alot of the times anymore. u know what i mean. than you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 4:21pm
Wow that sure opens up a whole new issue, taking the whole situation into consideration my best advice to you would be go talk to someone for some legal advice, not only is there you and your daughter to consider but also the boys. Obviously they can't go back to live with their mother and staying with their father certainly isnt a good option either. Do his parents know what he's like ? Would they be willing to take the boys and put them into a safe environment? Verbal and emotional abuse is far worse then physical, bruises heal, emotional scars stay with you forever. Talk to someone and get advice, be it a lawyer, a councelor, even the minister at your local church, there are ways to get help and get everyone out of this situation. Just by what you've said about him I'm sure he isnt the type to admit he has a problem and seek help for himself. I really feel for you , you are in a very tough spot. My thoughts and prayers are with you. *HUGS*
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 1:25am

sweetie. he has a drinking problem (addiction) and you are his enabler, and your dd will definately grow up and marry an addict of some kind, or be in some other type of unhealthy relationship, i can ASSURE you that. this is what she saw growing up, *she* doesn't think there is anything *wrong* about a drunk abusive man in the house.


its VERY VERY hard to leave an abusive man, especially when YOU are the enabler (i.e., you are the one always covering his *ss, you are the one making the excuses, etc except for the few times a year/month that you *lose it* and then you yell or scream or do dumb things like take your dd to the bar).

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 8:18am
Thank you and I know that I am the enabler. I figured that out awhile ago but what do u do? I have started to pack up things that aren't noticeable to the human eye and taking them to my mothers. I appreciate all i really do this has helped me out alot and you all r right my daughter is far more important to me than anything or anyone else and she by all means doesn't deserve this she is only 7 and i couldn't live w/myself if anything ever happened to her. So i am taking the first step that i know how to. So thank you