Not sure what to do....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Not sure what to do....
7
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 5:45pm
I could use some advice right now. I was in a relationship with a man for 1 1/2 years. We dated and spent a lot of time together. We got engaged in late September after dating for a year. About three weeks ago I broke up with him. It was the hardest thing I have ever done! We did not have a perfect relationship...we had our ups and downs but overall we were happy. Some things about him bothered me and I would push them away as if they would go away or get better. Now when I say things I mean his temper, sometimes him and my sister would not get along the best. I am very family oriented and the person I am with has to be able to get along with my family and want that....not just for me. I began to feel like things were always going to go that way. I had to end it before we got into planning and paying for wedding. I am wondering now if we rushed the wedding and if we could be together if we took things a little slower. I really do love him and miss him. We are going to remain friends and we are on good terms. I know I broke his heart. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 6:02pm
A few things to keep in mind...

Loving someone is not enough to make a relationship longlasting, happy and successful. Missing someone after leaving them is normal and to be expected, especially if you spent a lot of time together in the past year and a half. But again, missing them is not in itself a sign that you should get back together. Beware of a bad temper. It usually worsens over time, and seldom improves. Attempting to remain friends with an ex is usually only possible after a period of time with no contact, where both people can get over the relationship and leave it behind them, and move on. If you try to remain friends right now, you will find that you cannot get over it or move past it -- you will still be in the middle of it. Calling yourself friends isn't going to magically change your relationship into a friendship. How can he possibly be just your friend if he is broken hearted?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 6:54pm
How would going slower change his temper issues?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 8:05pm
This situation needs heavy assessment. You were on the brink of marriage to this man. It sounds to me as though you made your choice based on two things that you couldn’t reconcile. His temper and his inability get along with members of your family.

Was he abusive, verbally or physically? Is that what you meant when you said he was mean? Because that is not acceptable, and that would require he seek some sort of help. But if he just expresses himself aggressively then he may not be a lost cause.

As for the second issue. Family. It’s very difficult to split your allegiances. But if you intend to marry you have to remember that you are in essence making a new family. You are agreeing to put your spouse first. It’s not to say you abandon those you loved before, but you have to prioritize.

In the end its up to you. But do yourself a favour and put the notion of a friendship out of your head. There are too many intense feelings involved for it to work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 2:08pm
Hi gina,

Moving slower would not change his temper issues. I have thought and he has asked why we didn't talk to someone about things before I abruptly ended it. If I were to decide to try with him again then he would need to agree to see someone about anger management issues. We could see a couples counselor too for other issues. Just wanted to get some advice. Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 2:13pm
He was never abusive in any way! I would not stand for that one time. I do feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. I am not really sure what to do. I have been thinking a lot and really assessing what I want. I am not going to make any drastic decisions too quickly. I appreciate any further thoughts you might have or any one else.

Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2004
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 3:30pm


I am so in your situation. I just got engaged 2 months ago and it seems that recently things have been all out of whack. My fiance and I have started fighting about how to manage our money, we've even been fighting about whether the new Nissan 350Z is a hard top or soft top convertible. Its been so messed up lately. He has been expressing himself in very aggressive ways and I'm not used to that. I find myself questioning our relationship of 4 years and wondering if I'm making the right decision to marry him. Do I want to spend my life fighting about money, listening to him yell at me to stop acting like his mom whenever I want to talk about money issues? Do I want to put up with the constant fighting. We fight about everything now. Granted the fight is over and we are immediately happy afterwards and everything is fine, but it seems like the same issues keep coming up over and over again. Like we're hitting a pause button on a movie that's going nowhere plot wise.

Part of me wonders if I'm over reacting. We jumped right into the wedding planning. My mom has had a blast with it and already reserved the locations, the caterer, we even went shopping and bought a dress.

So I can't decide if I'm over reacting because the idea that I'm getting married is finally sinking in and its starting to freak me out a little. I've always dreamed of getting married and starting my own family and it all seemed so right, so perfect. Everything that has happened since he popped the question has been straight out of a fairytale, yet, now that some time has passed (2 months) I'm starting to constantly think about every issue of our relationship and I'm finding a lot of faults and it worried me.

I haven't called it off or anything, although I will admit I've been thinking about it for a few weeks. I feel almost trapped now, as if we're already married. My parents have already spent 18 grand on the wedding and everyone is so excited and thinks it just the best thing that has happened to both of us, but I'm just really scared about diving right in. I really wish we would have decided to have a longer engagement. I wish I would have given myself more time to let things sink in before we started planning our wedding. It's not until October, but I feel like its already happened and now I'm wondering how we will ever agree on financial stuff and job stuff and everything else.

We do agree on important things like family, children, sex, etc. But the money thing...it feels so huge to me.

I just don't know what to do and I feel like I can relate to you. Its like things that never entered my mind before are suddenly swirling inside my head and I feel overwhelmed, scared, and a little bit trapped. I love my fiance very much and I still think we are wonderful for each other, but now the question that is haunting me is whether we are right for each other if we're already fighting like a married couple about to get divorced? Engagements are supposed to be happy aren't they? Not stressful and scary?

But maybe everyone goes through it during their engagement. The weight of commitment affects us, makes us question whether or not we should bind ourselves to someone who has flaws that bother us, or has different opinions on spending and saving money, or in your case, has differing opinions on our family. I thought getting married was supposed to be one big blissful time, but its been a real reality check for me.

But my mother said it like this. Getting married is like taking on a task. Similar to a carpentar about to build a house. When you get engaged you take on the role of the carpentar and instead of just building a house you are embarking on building a family. It takes a lot of work. Sweat. Long hours. Big headaches. Sometimes you have good days, sometimes you have bad. But in the end the goal is to figure out how to build your family.

So I guess the question I have, and the question you probably have is how to make it work, how to build the relationship that started as friendship into a family. How do you mold to different views on money or two different views on family? And is the person worth it to go through all those arguments and fights and sweaty hard work to get to the end result? And when you get there, when you're married, what next? Will you continue fighting forever about the same issues? How do you fix it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 12:32am
I really think you are over reacting. Can you give example of his anger? My gf told everyone that I was looking at other women when I was looking for where I parked my car. She thinks I was looking at everyone when we go out, yet I don't see that i was looking at everyone, I did look once but it was 2 seconds but I never fantasize about it or have any desire for it. When I deny, she told me I treated her like a kid or think she is stupid, so I admit to something I didn't do to make her feel better. I am just saying that you might over react that is all. If you are correct that he has a temper problem, you should talk to him and give him example. Next time, bring a third, nuetral party and he will see or you will see who is correct.