not sure what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
not sure what to do
5
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 10:38am
Hi, this is my first time posting and I need some advice. I'm a 28 year old female who is currently going through a divorce for almost a year now. About 7 months ago, I ran into an old friend from high school and we started dating. He's wonderful, everything my soon to be ex isn't. But my problem is that he can't seem to keep a job. In 7 months, he's had probably 5 different jobs. And he always finds some under-the-table job with a friend or family member and then ends up getting screwed out of getting paid. He never has any money and I've helped him pay his bills and his rent in the past. Any time we go out, I pay for everything. I'm sick of it. I don't want to help him anymore and I've vaguely mentioned to him that I have mounting lawyer bills because of my divorce. I haven't come out and said that I won't help him anymore, but lately I've been avoiding spending a lot of time with him. I feel really comfortable with him. I hadn't dated in 8 years so dating someone that I knew from the past was great because we already kind of knew each other. But now I want to date other people. I want to be taken out and everything that normally happens when you're dating. Am I wrong to want this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 10:42am
I think you should assume that the lack of funds and jobs is part of the package with him. Are you willing to live with it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 10:47am
No, I guess I'm not willing to live with it. But how do I go about ending it with him without seeming like a selfish, material person? I don't think I'm selfish or materialistic but I'd been in an abusive marriage for quite some time and I finally came to terms with what I want and what I deserve in a relationship. I don't want to settle for less and I don't want to waste my time. I know that sounds coldhearted but I feel like I'm running out of time to start a family and I need someone who is a little more stable.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 11:01am
Many of us coming out of a unhappy marriage tend to "grab" onto the safe date ie; someone we are familiar with or have known for a while. You havent dated in 8 yrs, its a scary thought on one hand and an exciting prospect on another. You kinda hooked up with him cause he was familiar.. you knew him. He was "safe".

My advice is to just sit him down and explain. "I'am coming out of a very un-happy marriage. I want to spend time getting use to the idea of being single. I want to date" etc. You dont have to give him specifics. You just have to let him know that you are not interested in pursuing a relationship with him.

If you want, you could point out the lack of stability as a reason. You, like most people, want someone solid and stable. The constant change in jobs should be a warning sign. This person is not reliable. He is not "solid". I'am not saying he should be "boring". But he should be responsable. He is allowing you to take care of him, not a good sign.

You want someone to take YOU out. That is totally understandable. At least someone who COULD take you out, even if you paid your own way. Someone with the same beliefs and morals. You believe in working and paying your own way...he believes in taking the easy way.

Personally, I dont blame you for not wanting to continue with him. Just be honest, not brutally so, but tell him the truth. If he thinks its selfish for you to want someone who can AT LEAST take care of himself, well - oh well!!

Good Luck

PlayNICE

 

I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 12:21pm
Tell him that you want to date others, that you don't think the two of you are a good fit, that you have different goals, etc. And you can't control how he reacts, if he feels you are materialistec.

The important thing is to get out. So what if he thinks you are materialistic. You know that you are not. Wanting someone who is stable as a father and husband is hardly selfish.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 2:14pm
I think the statement about 'wanting to date others, different values, different paths, is a good way to approach the break up. You can't control what he thinks about you and his opinion of you at this point shouldn't matter.

Read this - it's posted on the Problem Solving for Couple's board:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlcouplescou&msg=7551.1


Carrie