not sure what to do
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| Fri, 08-15-2008 - 1:56pm |
my boyfriend and i have been together for almost 2 years (a little off and on) we have been arguing a lot this summer, mainly because he always forgets to call, or if we have plans he will go out with the guys and forget about our plans etc. the other night we finally hung out, after 2 days of him forgeting about our plans, and around 9 he got a call from his buddy and said he would b e free in 45 minutes, without asking me, i thought we would hang out the whole night, naturally.
anyways, we got in a fight, because i thought it was so rude, especially about how the 2 days before that went. he said sorry but more because i was upset, he didnt think it was a big deal. he called the next day saying he needed a couple days of no contact, to figure out why he has been in a depressed mood lately (hes not working, playing music anymore etc.) and said it was partly because of me.
i was definetly annoyed, though said okay. because earlier this week i talked to him about not wanting anymore negativity in my life, i dont want to worry about why he hasnt called etc. and that he should be trying harder to remember and everything. he called me today, because i am going to visit my brother soon to figure out some things, give each of us some space. he said that we havent broken up, he just really cant have any fights or negativity right now (sounds familiar) and wanted some space, and to call when i get back on tuesday
i just dont get why now its him who needs the space, and saying im the negative one, when i asked him about it earlier that week. im not sure what he needs to figure out, and why hecant talk to me during all this. i guess its best to not call, even before i leave tomorrow, to give him his space. but hes been up and down about us this summer, and i feel like we're back at the same spot right now. im not sure what to do about it

Welcome to the board stepheb,
He thinks you are negative because he's hearing you react to everything he's not doing, everything he's forgetting and it comes across as making him wrong and being critical.
Links to consider:
When he asks for space (aka, "a break") - http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=22130.1
Zen of Doing Nothing - http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=21173.1
It's all in how you point it out - you are right to speak up if it bothers you - it's about tone, choices of words, making "I" statements instead of blaming 'You' statments and trying to say away from the words Always and Never.
Or saying something like: "When you forget our date, I feel hurt because to me that means that I'm not valued as a partner in this relationship.
When I was in college, I had a BF who did the same thing. He would blow me off and "forget" about dates, plans, etc. to hang out with his friends. Most of the time, he didn't even bother to call me when he wanted to do something besides be with me. I broke up with him over it because it is my belief that people don't "forget" they have plans (unless they are in the later stages of dementia or have such busy lives that they can't keep up with it all - he's uemployed - how busy can he be?). He was very upset over the break-up, but I couldn't take it anymore.
It's my belief that people do exactly what they want to do when they want to do it. I don't blame you for being annoyed when he "shows" you that he doesn't want to be with you - for whatever reason. I think it's appropriate to call him out when he does it. He's turning it around on you calling you negative because he doesn't want to take responsibility for his own actions.
I know I wouldn't be happy in a relationship where I had to insist that a man spend time with me. It would mean to me that he just wasn't all that into me. Perhaps you should stop initiating contact with him entirely, and see what he does. If he doesn't miss you terribly and start showing up when he's supposed to, then maybe you should consider ending this and find a guy who acts like he wants you.
i think that's why i always got so mad, because i knew he couldnt of completly forgot, he had to of known and just pushed it aside. im glad you think its justifyed when i would call him out, i just used to always accept him saying sorry and i would move on, but of course i wouldnt forget it. i felt better knowing i told him how i felt, but i guess he cant handle knowing it.
i think youre right about just stopping my end of contact. i said i would call when i get back, which i guess is just the polite thing to do, but i definetly will stop contacting him after that, and see what happens.
You may be creating a vicious cycle. If you badger him about not calling every time you call or see him, then he may be afraid to call you or see you because he is afraid of being badgered. If you want somebody to call or show up, you can't do it by being too negative with them. That will only drive them further away.
This is not to say that he isn't wrong for not calling or avoiding plans. If he tells you he will do something, he has a responsibility to follow through. You are not his mother or his boss though. You can't force him to be more mature than he is. You can only accept that this is how he is and decide if that is what you want in a boyfriend. Personally, I think being conscientious and responsible is very important. If he is just an irresponsible person in general, do you really want a future with him anyway?
Now, if he's suffering from depression, which is certainly possible, that's another issue. That's a serious situation, and one that isn't really his fault. In that case, he needs to seek out professional treatment to deal with it. You can help him get the motivation to seek out the treatment by being encouraging and supportive. If you do it in a positive way that shows you are concerned for him, you may be able to lift him out of the depression enough for him to get the motivation to get the help he needs. Being too critical of him will probably do the opposite and push him into a further depression.
In the end, though, he is the only one who can help himself. He has to want the treatment or nothing will change. If he's serious about improving his situation, it may be worthwhile to stand by and wait to see if he improves. On the other hand, if he's depressed and not interested in changing the situation, you certainly shouldn't feel obligated to stay with him. You probably don't want a future with somebody who is miserable and doesn't want to improve any more than you want a future with somebody who is just irresponsible.
I would definitely give him the space he is asking for right now so he doesn't feel like you are badgering him. Take this time to think about the situation. How much do you think is his fault, how much is yours, and how much is outside forces. Then, decide what you want to do. He may come back and say he wants to break up with you. In which case, it is not going to be your decision anyway. But he may come back wanting to give things another shot, in which case, you need to decide if that is what you want as well. Good luck.
i used to always be understanding of when he is forgetful, i know he is with most things, but it has started to get on my nerves lately, which is why i make sure we talk about it. but i understand where you were coming from.
ive tried to help with his moods, i recommended he go to school or take classes, i told him i would help look for a job, and ive taken him to beaches, movies, etc. to lift his spirits, and mine too of course. but i knwo its something he has to do on his own.
i will for sure give him space, i asked him if he wanted me to call him before i leave (on msn) but he didnt answer me, so i told him i would be back on teusday or wendesday and too call me when if he wanted to.
he has been so up and down, he has broken it off a couple times this summer over, honestly, nothing. and he admits it after that he made a mistake and let his emotions run off, im glad this time its just about thinking, and we havnt broken up. i know he is mainly thinking about his life right now, not our relationship. theres been so many close calls this summer that i am upset that he is putting me through another one, but im definetly going to give him space, so that i can think about all this too.
thanks for everything. its still all up in the air, but i guess ill know better next week, i just hate being in this place, with such a weird mind frame, not knowing anything. but im sure it will get better