Not sure what to do...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Not sure what to do...
13
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 8:27am

So if you've read any of the other posts that I've done in the past, you'll understand my situation.. If not, well I'll give you the shortened version..

About 2 weeks ago my boyfriend of over a year told me that he wasn't sure that he ever wants to get married or have children ( he has an 8 yr old from a previous relationship). I'm 23 and I've always known that I wanted a family, and that "fairy tale" life.. The marriage, the kids, the house with the white picket fence.. The dream.. And for him to come right out of the blue like that with brutal honesty shocked me..

After in depth conversations about the whole situation, it basically all came down to, he either needed to understand and try to change or he needed to leave (we live in my apartment). Needless to say after a long day of thinking about everything he decided that he wanted to stay and said that he was going to change, and make it work for us.

That was 2 weeks ago, and everything since then has been great! He's been really attentive to my requests, listens to me, spending more time with me.. I've been really happy.

Financially we are kinda strapped.. All of our bills are paid, but we don't really have a lot of money to play around with at the end of the month.. No biggie.. Most of america is the same way! Only we aren't in debt.. So I went to the mall with my mother this last weekend and spend $50 at Old Navy-- but instead of out of pocket I put it on an Old Navy card. I didn't think that it was a big deal, but he definately did! He was pretty pissed about the fact that I went out and spent that money on clothes that I didn't need (his words) and that I obviously don't have the same financial goals anymore.. This turned into him telling me that he's not happy, and that he doesn't think that I am anymore as well.. That spiraled into he wants his own checking account.. And once again we are at the point where we are discussing what is his and what's mine.. What we both would take if we split up.. This back and forth is just emotionally draining me.. I'm a strong person, but even I can only take so much.. It's really wearing on me..

So I left (this discussion happened last night) and I went to my parents house.. Keep in mind that my parents don't really like bf.. They don't think that he's the right man for me.. And I deserve better But I value their opinion above anything.. They will always be there for me no matter what... My mom was home and my cousin showed up. My cousin has always been like an older brother to me.. and his opinion matters a lot! He seemed to think that bf wanting his own checking account was his way out, and emotionally and mentally he already had.. So I brought this up to bf, and he said "my way out of what? I don't have anywhere else to go."

Am I just being completely naive?? I love this man more than anything, but I can keep going back and forth like this.. And I'm afraid that it's just going to come down to us breaking apart..

I need some feedback on this one :) so if anyone has any thoughts.. Please.. share :) Thank you!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 8:42am

You know, my mother never liked my husband and I wonder now whether I should have considered her opinion more than I did (we are divorced now).


All I will say is this... Your parents obviously want what is best for you and if they don't approve, you have to wonder why?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 10:14am

My thought is this:

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 10:27am

I completely agree with coolas. My mother is a very wise ancient village elder (haha) and there are times when she would disapprove of what I was doing, or who I was with, but in the end... I always realized that she was right. I never listened to her at the time, and just when I had gained that experience, I wished I had. Would have saved me a lot of trouble.

That said, you don't have to go along with whatever your parents tell you. But it is a good idea, if you trust their judgment and ancient parental wisdom, to listen to what they're saying, take a step back, and try to figure out where they're coming from.

To get into specifics, I think if you're sharing a joint account then you need to come up with an upper limit of how much you can spend without talking to the other. 50 dollars on clothing might not be a huge expense to you, but to him (and uh... to a man) then it's 50 dollars he doesn't have to spend on something he might need or want.

Ask yourself, do you REALLY feel compatible with this person? As much as you might love him and enjoy being with him, do you feel as though your arguments make you better people and give you a better understanding of one another? Or do you keep coming back to the same issues without anything getting resolved? Two people who are right for one another will FIT with one another's current lives and future goals without having to wedge in and make too many sacrifices, like fitting a big foot into a small shoe. Some people love one another very much, or have amazing chemistry, but just aren't right for a relationship that is future-bound. I think you should try to be honest with yourself and ask yourself if this guy really fits who you are and what you want.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 10:45am

Welcome back fierfairy2006,


I think the fact that you are still going back and forth about the state of the relationship is a very strong suggestion that maybe it is time to think about ending it. I know that you love him, but sometimes love isn't enough. It doesn't appear that you have to same goals for the relationship or life.


I am sorry you are still going through this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 11:03am

I appreciate everyone's opinions about this extremely aggrivating situation..

My boyfriend and I used to work together and knew each other as friends before anything else.. We were friends at work for almost 2 years, and then when I divorced my ex-husband we became more.. He was my support system through that whole ordeal, and honestly I really didn't have a transition period between my ex, and my bf. I've always been that way. Jump right into relationships, and never think twice..

Our chemistry is pretty great, we have a lot of love for each other, and he just has moments, where he looks at me and makes me melt.. But those moments are far and in between now.. Doesn't really complement me unless we're in bed.. Etc.

It just makes me soo confused because I love him soo much!!! I don't our relationship to end.. But overall it seems like it would be the best thing for both of us.. I don't want him to just stay because he loves me, I want him to stay because he wants to be with me, and love me.. Not in fear that he doesn't have anywhere else to go. How awful I feel inside just thinking that he doesn't have anywhere else to go... We've made our home together, and to be there without him will be really tough..

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 11:20am
Maybe you could try a seperation first, before you break up for good.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 12:21pm

He has told me before that if we decide to take a break, he will move everything of his out. He doesn't want to have us break up and then decide to get back together and have him move all his stuff back in..

I'm at a stand still.. I feel like we didn't get anything resolved last night, just more issues came up.. I don't doubt the fact that he loves me.. But I just can't shake that feeling that something isn't right..

This is sooo confusing!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 12:26pm

Welcome back fieryfairy2006,


For your review and for others to 'catch up' here's your previous posts:


Am I overreacting?
Quest.. Any advice helpful
Don't know what to do
Update.. Still not sure.. Help!
I did what I thought I had to do...


I think your cousin has the right idea - his way out... however, trying to convey what that meant, missed the mark.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 5:04pm

Love is not enough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 1:44am
All other things aside, not wanting kids is a dealbreaker for me-- no questions asked. Kids are a non-negotiable as it is very important to me. I don't think it's worth the risk to wait around & see how he feels or, worse yet, eventually have kids when he is ambivalent.

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