Not sure what to do...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Not sure what to do...
13
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 8:27am

So if you've read any of the other posts that I've done in the past, you'll understand my situation.. If not, well I'll give you the shortened version..

About 2 weeks ago my boyfriend of over a year told me that he wasn't sure that he ever wants to get married or have children ( he has an 8 yr old from a previous relationship). I'm 23 and I've always known that I wanted a family, and that "fairy tale" life.. The marriage, the kids, the house with the white picket fence.. The dream.. And for him to come right out of the blue like that with brutal honesty shocked me..

After in depth conversations about the whole situation, it basically all came down to, he either needed to understand and try to change or he needed to leave (we live in my apartment). Needless to say after a long day of thinking about everything he decided that he wanted to stay and said that he was going to change, and make it work for us.

That was 2 weeks ago, and everything since then has been great! He's been really attentive to my requests, listens to me, spending more time with me.. I've been really happy.

Financially we are kinda strapped.. All of our bills are paid, but we don't really have a lot of money to play around with at the end of the month.. No biggie.. Most of america is the same way! Only we aren't in debt.. So I went to the mall with my mother this last weekend and spend $50 at Old Navy-- but instead of out of pocket I put it on an Old Navy card. I didn't think that it was a big deal, but he definately did! He was pretty pissed about the fact that I went out and spent that money on clothes that I didn't need (his words) and that I obviously don't have the same financial goals anymore.. This turned into him telling me that he's not happy, and that he doesn't think that I am anymore as well.. That spiraled into he wants his own checking account.. And once again we are at the point where we are discussing what is his and what's mine.. What we both would take if we split up.. This back and forth is just emotionally draining me.. I'm a strong person, but even I can only take so much.. It's really wearing on me..

So I left (this discussion happened last night) and I went to my parents house.. Keep in mind that my parents don't really like bf.. They don't think that he's the right man for me.. And I deserve better But I value their opinion above anything.. They will always be there for me no matter what... My mom was home and my cousin showed up. My cousin has always been like an older brother to me.. and his opinion matters a lot! He seemed to think that bf wanting his own checking account was his way out, and emotionally and mentally he already had.. So I brought this up to bf, and he said "my way out of what? I don't have anywhere else to go."

Am I just being completely naive?? I love this man more than anything, but I can keep going back and forth like this.. And I'm afraid that it's just going to come down to us breaking apart..

I need some feedback on this one :) so if anyone has any thoughts.. Please.. share :) Thank you!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 8:25am

I understand what you mean.. Completely! He told me the other night that what happens in a year when I tell him that I want a baby, and he's not ready? Will I kick him out then??

Just makes me feel like crap, because he doesn't have anywhere else to go.. Makes me out to be the bad guy because it's my apartment..

I hate feeling like this, and it's definately taking it's toll on me.. I talked to him last night, and told him that i was really confused and aggrivated at the whole situation still. I mean how long can we really go on like this? Is he just too scared to leave? I spoke to one of my really good guy friends last night, and I just happened to get on the phone while bf was getting in the shower, and he thought that was sketchy.. that I wasn't speaking to my friend right in front of him.. So now his trust is starting to fade.. And so is mine.. This isn't healthy.. that's for sure..

I told him last night that I feel like we talk and talk and talk until the subject is beat to death, and then we don't talk about it anymore,and it doesn't get resolved.. We just avoid it.. and then we're right back to where we started.. He tries to hold me, and love me and I've just put that wall up.. Those little things, are just masking a larger problem.. He and I both know that, and I think that we're both just scared to say what needs to happen.. Any suggestions?

All of the advice has been very helpful.. Thanks to everyone!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 8:34am

"I told him last night that I feel like we talk and talk and talk until the subject is beat to death, and then we don't talk about it anymore,and it doesn't get resolved.."

Talking doesn't make someone want children. Talking doesn't give him the time to think about what he wants out of life. You're 23... That's still very young. It's not too young to know what you want in your future, and it's good that you have that figured out. But if you think that you will be able to convince him to want kids, you are mistaken. That has to be a decision he makes for himself.

If you're going to want a baby within a year or two, and he's not sure if he wants to have kids or even get married, then this is not the right man for you. For him, loving you and having you now is enough. For you, you want more, and you want him to be able to promise you the future you want. He can't do that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 10:32am

That's exactly right!!!

I was just speaking to my co-worker about the whole situation and she said that same thing.. He has me, and loves me no matter what.. That's enough for him.. But I DO want more.. It's just hard to make that final decision to ask him to leave..

I think though at this point that's where it's going to go.. I'm going to try to talk to him about the whole thing again tonight and suggest that we take a break.. We don't want the same things, and I understand that he's trying, but in his words ie: "What if in a year you say that your ready to have a baby and i'm not.. What then? You kick me out" He's already thinking negativly about the whole thing.. He doesn't really want those same things.. Not truly.. And it's not fair for me to make him change.. I realize that now.

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