Not sure what to do...
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 04-29-2007 - 9:03pm |
Hi, this is kind of a weird one, and I apologize in advance for the length, but I'm not sure where else to turn for advice. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 8 months now. Everything has been fabulous and for the past two months we've either been staying together at my apartment downtown, or at his house in a small town a few miles away. We never fought, except for rare trivial couple arguments. The only problem was that he enjoys drinking a little more than he probably should. As in, getting totally wasted drunk every weekend and enjoying quite a few drinks on the weeknights. He turns into somebody totally different when he's drunk, like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
Well, last night, we had his sister, her fiancé, and one of his buddies over to his house. We grilled out, started a campfire in the backyard, and were having a great time hanging out. As the night wore on, the boyfriend went beyond his alcohol limit and was falling out of his chair, once almost into the fire. He asked me to take him into the house so he could go to the bathroom and go to bed. He had such a hard time even standing, that it took me and his sister to get him into the house. We took him into the bathroom, then I waited outside the door for him. His sister went back outside. When he came out, I held onto his arm and tried helping him up the stairs so he could go to bed. It was at this point that he became angry and shouted at me to "stop man-handling him" and he was fine. Throughout all this he was wavering back and forth and I had to hold him around the waist just to keep him from falling down. I told him I'd take him back outside if that's what he wanted, but he really should go to sleep. He continued to yell that I was "man-handling him", being "clingy and annoying", and "restricting him", even though I was just standing there holding him up. At this point, everyone was coming inside to go to bed themselves, and I helped the boyfriend go upstairs so we could get bedding for everyone. The whole time he continued saying that I was being clingy and that he was fine and didn't need my help. We got to the top of the stairs and I told him that since he was already up here, he might as well get some sleep. I could take the bedding downstairs. He got really agitated and swore at me. I told him that even his sister thought he needed to get some sleep and he called us both f-ers and said he didn't feel like it. I knew he was completely drunk and sleep would be best, but I wasn't sure what to do. I've never had to deal with someone so drunk before.
We were standing in the bedroom at the time (I happened to be standing in the doorway and he was by the bed), and I tried reasoning with him one more time that he was already next to the bed, so he might as well get some sleep. Next thing I know, he rushed at me, grabbed me, and threw me on the bed saying "Why don't you go to bed if you want me to so badly?!" I tried pushing him off, and next thing I know I punched him square on his left temple. He backed off and said "Oh, that's it, we are DONE!! GET OUT!!!" I tried apologizing, as I REALLY did not mean to hit him. I am not a violent person at all, I was just trying to get him off of me. He didn't want to hear it and called his sister upstairs. She brought him downstairs and helped him sit down at the kitchen table. I was crying, apologizing, and he sat there swearing at me, calling me "Bruiser" and asking me if I wanted to get another punch in before he called the cops and had them escort me out. His sister told him to calm down and she brought me outside to find out what happened. I filled her in and she told me that she's only seen him like this once before. She didn't think I did anything wrong, I was just trying to defend myself, and that he's just not happy with himself and won't talk about it so his anger comes out when he gets drunk. Unfortunately he takes it out on those he loves the most. She tried mediating between us for a few minutes, but the boyfriend passed out and fell backwards in his chair, breaking it in half, so we all got together and carried him to bed. Then we all agreed to just go to sleep and see what happened in the morning. I crashed on a couch downstairs.
Morning came around, and I didn't want to create a scene, so I packed up my stuff, wrote him an apology note (he was still passed out), and headed back to my place. I did call him a few hours later to see if he would answer, but he didn't, so I left a short message saying that I hoped we could talk things out eventually and that I really regret what happened, and I still loved him. I have been crying and laying around all day, not wanting to do anything but fix this whole situation. I still have some hope that we can work things out - everyone says that we look so happy together, and even his family said he seems so much happier since we met. Apart from when he's drunk, he's the sweetest, most caring man ever. I know he'll need some time, but what I don't know is how I can get him to understand that I honestly did not mean to punch him, I do love him, and can we work through this and stay together?
Again, I apologize for the length and thank you in advance for any advice you can give me.

You sound like an intelligent person so I'm not going to sugar coat anything for you. Your boyfriend is an abusive drunk. He's also an alcoholic. And NO you can't fix it. Let me repeat that YOU CANNOT FIX IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are already so lost in his drama that you are apologizing for a normal defensive reaction when someone grabs you and throws you on the bed. The smart thing for you to would have been to tell him to never touch you in anger again but you gave all your power away. You are a classic enabler. When he can make you wrong and not be accountable for his behavior he's got you exactly where he wants you and can treat you like crap.
The angry drunken abusive behavior is who he is. Save yourself a lot of grief and stop making excuses for him and stop acting like you can take what he is dishing out because he's so womderful when he's not drinking. Until he chooses to lead a life of sobriety the alcohol will always be his first love and you don't even run a close second. You're simply a bystander on his path to self-destruction.
Re-read what you posted and imagine that the person who posted it is someone you love and care about. I don't even know you and I am so sorry that you are in this position. I've known many people who've been down this path and it always ends up in the same place, unbelievable pain and loss of self-respect.
Don't make excuses for him, hold him accountable and set boundaries. Only he can change his path and at the moment you're not giving him any reason to. And maybe he never will but at least you won't waste your time and energy under the misguided notion that your love can save him.
Not what you want to hear I know and honestly - you should have meant to punch him he frickin' deserved it!!!!!! Read up on co-dependent behavior and alcoholism. The most generous thing this guy can do for you is not return your phone calls.
You want to go back to him after he assaulted you? You're apologising for hitting him in self defence?
ARE YOU INSANE? (said in the nicest possible way)
This man needs to take responsibility for his own behaviour. His lack of self control when drinking puts you at risk of harm, therefore, he needs to stop drinking. And if he can't do it by choice, then he needs to attend AA or similar. If he cannot or will not take responsibility for his behaviour and take steps to prevent it happening again, then you should not return to him.
Find some courage and self respect and stay away from people who hurt you.
sjmystic that was an awesome post and I agree with you.
However, I'm wondering what the OP said which made you sure he's an alcoholic. While I totally agree that he binge drinks to a dangerous level, I seem to have missed the clue that shows he's *addicted* to alcohol. Thing is, I know binge drinkers that drink by choice - not becaues of an addiction. They could stop if they desired...they just don't want to stop.
She said he gets wasted on the weekends and has quite a few drinks on the weeknights. If you're drinking excessively 7 days a week and contaminating your loved ones with abuse you're an alcoholic. When despite the destructive effects of you're behavior you're still drinking you're an alcoholic. We promote drinking so much in our society that many people fail to recognize the problem.
I guess it would depend on which definition of binge drinking you're using but the impaired decision making that goes along with consuming large quantities of alcohol means at some point you're not in conscious choice because you're reason is impaired. Binge drinkers are also at higher risk for becoming alcoholics. The saying one is too many and 100 is not enough is part of AA for a reason.
Edited 4/30/2007 12:19 am ET by sjmystic
You're so right about promoting drinking in our society. I'm assuming Australian society is not very different to the US when it comes to alcohol.
I remember a friend who *boasted* that his 3yo son would automatically get any adult visitors a beer from the fridge when they arrived. If it were me, I'd be having a long hard look at the message I was sending my children. That is; one cannot entertain without alcohol.
Your explanation of O/Ps boyfriend being an alcoholic sits well with me. I like the way you've explained it and it's changed my view somewhat. I suppose that of my friends who binge drink, all of them would quit if they were becoming drunk on a daily basis or becoming violent on occaision. And there in lies the difference.
I was drinking a little too much during the evenings a year or two ago but chastised myself when I'd fallen asleep on the couch and was unable to put my kids to bed. (My husband was there to look after them) At that point, I changed my drinking habits so that it wouldn't happen again. I still share a single bottle of wine with my husband on some nights, but I don't buy cask wine anymore because it's too easy to have another glass.
But the OPs boyfriend is different because he's unable to recognise his own destructive behaviour.
Good Luck to you and get a good book on self respect or go to counseling so you can see this is not your fault or any thing you did. I like the book YOUR SACRED SELF by DR. WAYNE DYER.
Welcome to the board jenne2007,
I hope you take everyone's advice. I'm just posting the link to the co-dependent board here at iVillage:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlcodep
Thanks to everyone for your advice! Yeah, I shouldn't be making excuses for him. He needs to see that his drinking is destroying his life and maybe losing me will kick him into gear. If it doesn't, than it's his loss and not my problem. I do still care about him, and would like to see him get some help for the drinking, and whatever issues he has that are driving him to drink, but there's really nothing I can do. Thanks so much again - I feel a lot better about all this!
Also, thanks for the link, Carrie. I'm going to check it out now! =)