NOT SURE WHAT TO DO ANYMORE!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
NOT SURE WHAT TO DO ANYMORE!!!!!
13
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 9:31pm
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 months now and everything is great between us until lately. We have been fighting ALOT and we are both sick and tired of it. I do love him more then anything and I know he feels the same. We both really want this to work but we are running out of ideas. He loses his temper very easy and I am very emotional and take everything to heart. The fights are both of our faults. He is leaving to WA in 3 weeks and he asked me to go with him. I told him I would but I will not be going out there for a few months. He currently found out some stuff about my past and is bothered by it but I told him that I will give him time and space to get over it. We both agree that we need therapy(together or sperate). I just need some advice on what to do or what I can do to help save the relationship with the man I love more then anything. This is my cry out for help. you can message back on here or email me if you want at....

Julezofthenile99@yahoo.com

Thanks for your time!

Jules

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 9:43pm
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These are both really fundamental parts of your personalities - I don't think they'll be easy things to change, but not impossible.

You didn't say anything else about your relationship. Do you have a lot of other things in common? What makes you like/love each other?

Depending on what the "stuff" is that he found out about your past, it may not be that easy to get over, either.

Are you really sure you want to make that move to WA? There's a LOT of stress during a move, and being someplace where the only people you know are each other is kind of tough.

I'd say to take this slowly...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 10:12pm
We do have alot of things in common! And everything about him is what I love. I have been in and out of really bad relationships and he is the only one that likes me for me. He is the most caring and amazing guy I know. We can have good times but it just seems like when we try to talk to each other one of us takes what the other says differently then what we ment it to be. All of our fights are over little petty things and we make it seem like big things. With me I am dealing with depression right now and I am now on meds but anything can trigger "the volcano" and everything that I pushed down will come up. I know he is dealing with alot of issues too, but he isn't the talking type. He won't talk about his problems to anyone. He has addmitted that he needs therapy and I am in therapy now. I am just not sure on what to do anymore. Usually I always knew what to do but not now.

The whole thing about moving with him is that I would love to go with him. I love him more then anything and I want to be with him. Plus it i gives us both a chance to restart our lives over again but this time with each other. I know that we have moved this relationship fast and this is a big decision but my heart, head, and gut are telling me to go with him. There isn't any question in my mind. I know that it will be hard to go not knowing anyone but I know that he will be by my side all the way. I am the first girl he has said "I Love You" to and all this is very new to him. He isn't sure what to do either but we both agreed that we need to think of something before he leaves. I am willing to try anything and everything before I just give up on us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 8:05am
I understand you "love him more than anything" But put those cloud nine larger than life feelings aside for a minute - and then ask yourself:

Do I like this person?

Does he like me?

How does he make me feel about me?

From what I understand, healthy relationships are based first and foremost on deep friendship and compatibility - the "in love" feelings are essential too but more like the icing on the cake and love is not enough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 9:28am
Oh, sweetie, I've been here before. When I had depression my then-boyfriend, now-husband and I fought ALL the time. Over the dumbest little things. Like, we couldn't decide where to go out to eat and we'd up getting in a BIG fight over it. Stupid, petty things like that. Everyone said, "Oh, there MUST be underlying issues. You need therapy." Therapy, it seems, is everyone's answer to everything. Turns out, all I needed was some medication. Prozac. Took it for 3 years, got better, and been off of it for 4 years now and still doing just fine. Hubby and I are happily married. No therapy required.

How long have you been taking the antidepressants? They can take up to 6-8 weeks to really take effect. Give it time, and don't give up. If therapy is helping you, then keep going. But make sure it's HELPING you, and not just padding your shrink's wallet.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 3:47pm
I am on wellburtin(not sure if that is how you spell it) right now for about 4 weeks. On the 10th I am seeing my thereapist for the second time so I am not sure if that is helping. I love him more then anything and I am just not sure what to do. Last night I came over to his apt. and things were back to normal, but it flips back and forth all the time so I never know what to expect. Do you have any advice ohbaby122502?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 3:54pm
I'm sorry, the only advice I can give is to hang in there and give it more time. Give the medication a couple more weeks to work. Don't give up! If, after the medication begins to work, and you don't feel depressed anymore, you STILL can't get along with your boyfriend-AND he's gotten help for his issues as well-then I'd say maybe it's time to move on. Good luck to you. Hang in there, things will get better!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 4:59pm
Well ohbaby122502, I just want to say thank you. It is much easier to help someone that you have been in the same situation. I think our of everything your the only one that actually gave me some advice that I can understand. By any chance can I get your email address and I can keep contact with you and keep you updated if you want.. you can either post it on here or email it to me...

julezofthenile99@yahoo.com

I hope to hear from you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 7:53pm
If you have already agreed that you need therapy then I suggest the two of you go together. Couples therapy is perfect for communication problems and getting to the underlying reasons for the fighting. My guess is that the fighting is about a combination of your individual issues compounded by the pending move. That will have a huge impact on yoru relationship.

And therapy shoud really accompany depression medication especially when the anxiety or depression are about specific issues. Even when the cause is diagnosed as chemiocal there is often also an underlying trigger.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 11:20am
"I love him more then anything..."

I'm just hoping the "anything" doesn't mean yourself. 4 months is pretty early in a relationship to give up what have and move with someone to a different state. "Start your lives over..." I don't think you can really ever do that. What problems you had follow you wherever you go. Just make sure it's what YOU really want and that the move will benefit YOU! Might I suggest that if you can, live in seperate places in WA. Especially if he is moving for a job and you won't have one...something like that. Becasue you would be leaning on him too much for your needs...financial, emotional, etc. If he meets friends from work you might feel left out. If you get your own place, get out there and try to find your own life even if you two are still together. Get a roommate if you need to. I just know sooooo many people that have made that mistake, and some of these friends are people who dated a year or more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 11:21am
Also, if you need any advice on WA, I live there!

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