Not sure what else I can do.
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| Tue, 07-29-2008 - 6:24pm |
Hi there. I am new to this board and ivillage. I need advice. I'll give you a brief run down: My fiance and I had been together for 2-1/2 years, engaged for 6 months when he came to me one day and told me that he didn't know if he wanted to get married or not. He had a list of fears he presented to me about our future and our happiness. Thought it was cold feet as it was 2 months before our wedding. 2 weeks after he came to me again and he decided that we needed to break up and call off the wedding. I moved out of our new home that we purchased 6 months before and moved in with my brother and his fiance for about 1-1/2 months. We continued to talk and see each other on occassion. A month after we broke up we started hanging out more and we started having sex again-I know, big mistake. I caught him out with another girl one night out at a bar and at that moment had ended our "hanging out" and any future hopes of a relationship. Within an hour he was begging me to come back. We were single and not in a relationship at this time. He came clean with the fact that he had started dating her 2 weeks after we broke up and they had been intimate. We sat down and decided we would put it all past us and start to work on

Sorry you are going through this it sucks...
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If counseling is not an option for him (it didn't help last time) then yes you have no other choice. You both have to want this 100%, he doesn't..there is nothing you can do to change his mind, that has to come from within him. Good relationships don't take breaks most of the time, you work on the problems that come up together.
You didn't really break up the first time because you were still in contact with each other, of course you are going to miss each other (that is only normal) but that doesn't mean getting back together is the right choice.
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If he has issues from his childhood and a previous relationship that is something that he needs to work through himself and put that baggage in order before being in a healthy relationship with anyone.
<> Love is not enough, for whatever reasons he has decided marriage is not what he wants, until he figures that out and fixes it there is nothing you can do. I know it is hard to accept but for yourself you need to accept it.
<< If this is what I have to do to get back to the happiness we once shared I'll do it, but I'm afraid of the outcome. I feel in my heart that we were meant to be together. Please help.>>
It's normal to be afraid of the outcome but wouldn't you rather know without a doubt that he wants marriage with you before you get married? You feel in your heart that you are meant to be together but right now he doesn't, that is what he has to resolve, And who knows it might happen if it is meant to be it will be...BUT right now you need to accept what he said, start healing from the hurt you feel and concentrate on you.
Have you tried the breaking up is hard to do board, there are some good resources there and the women on there are really insightful.
I sense too much back and forth with this guy.
Welcome to the board piscesprincess242003,
If he's unwilling to work on his issues with you around and wants to cut all contact, you really don't have a choice.
I'm sorry... I don't know if it is the only option you, collectively as a couple, have left, but it is the decision he made so it is your only option.
I hate to say this but I do not think his tactic will bring you back together. I think he will meet someone else, or spend enough time away in order to heal. That is just how these things normally go. I suppose there is a chance, but your first separation would have worked. It just sounds as though he's not happy enough in a relationship that is past the initial chemistry - it is unreasonable to go into a marriage expecting the relationship chemistry to stay at that level.
I do think that you need to start moving on from this. The reason he comes back to you is because he misses you, which is a natural and normal way to feel after a breakup or separation - when someone that important leaves your life, they leave a hole that takes time to close up. The fact that he misses you when you're away from him does not mean anything, especially compared to the fact that he's not happy enough in the relationship.
Again I'm sorry because I know how hard it is to end an engagement even if you both wanted it to work. He has a lot of work to do before he is ready to commit to a relationship that doesn't remain as exciting as it was in the first year - that is a big part of being mature enough to get married. Best of luck to you.
I agree with the poster who says ' this tactic wont work'.
"is this the only option we have left? " no. this is the decision he has imposed on you.
"I was the only one in the room in his eyes but he told me that he didn't feel this way any longer." because he has a wandering eye now. he will probably be looking for that excitement and spark elsewhere as that is easy and to rekindle what was once with you takes work and many moments of sadness than enjoyment.
He needs to solve problems rather than run from them.IMO, this break will definetly be a final break up as you dont agree ( very rightly on your part) to it while he wants to, and that is the foundation of resentment.
I would suggest,let him go but dont expect his return and even if he returns, draw a line as to what is acceptable for you in the future.A man who runs during problems or who sits,accepts and tries as a team to rebuild.
JMO.