Not sure of what I'm feeling
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 09-17-2007 - 5:20pm |
Okay, one of the hardest things for me to do is ask for help but I need an outside opinion. Before you read this, please realize this will be a short history of who we are and how we got together before I actually get to the full point.
My boyfriend/fiance' and I have been together for nearly two and a half years and we have a 19 month old son. He proposed to me on our second anniversary.
When we got together, I had just lost a one and a half year relationship that was really emotionally abusive(my ex was usually ignoring me for a weekly poker/drinking night and his work and school). I was pregnant about a week into the relationship but I felt truely connected to him and our baby. I didn't want to give either of them up and still don't. I was deeply in love then, but I feel as though I've lost the connection with my fiance'.
We grew up on two separate planets, it seems. His immediate family was so close and always connected somehow. They always had family dinner in the evening where my family ate in front of the TV and it was not usually together. His brothers and him did a lot of stuff as a group, Tae-kwon-do or just riding bikes to their grandmother's. My family usually had separate ways and activities, I didn't start Tae-kwon-do until about 5 years after my first brother did. I'm the oldest of 5 (girl, 3 boys, girl) and he's the middle child of 3 (all boys). I feel out of place in my own family and he's right where he's supposed to be it seems.
He wants us to be home together all the time. I want to have outside friends that I can spend some time with. For me, this makes coming home to him much more enjoyable. For him, he says it makes him feel like I'm ignoring him. But every time I want to go out with my friends and I call and ask if he has any plans for us and if he wants me to be home, he always says it's up to me if I want to come home tonight or not. He just reminds me to pick up our son and not ignore him. I usually end up at home early with our son and upset at my fiance'.
The last time he ever surprised me with a date was when the new HP movie came out. He set almost all of it up and would not tell me exactly what was going on except that I needed to talk to him about where our son was going to be for the evening. And that was a nice surprise. And he thought that just because we went on a date that he planned that he would get some sex that night. It upset him so much when I wasn't in the mood after our son was asleep. And everytime I turn him down now, it's like I don't exist for a while. I have recently told him why I don't like being woken up at 5 am for a round of fun. And it seems that every time I am in the mood he's got a migraine and wants it later when his migraine is gone and I'm not in the mood. Now, don't get me wrong, when we are both at home (for lunch or otherwise and the baby is asleep or at daycare) and we are both in the mood, the sex is great. It makes me feel more connected to him and I love him more deeply, but after work and when our son is home from daycare, we fall into the same routine/rut.
Now, we have been going through a financial bind lately. I haven't been working in jobs that are at or above my potential (meaning there is no challenge or room for advancement). I've been having a hard time with depression over this and the fact that I think I am pushing him away without trying to. He wants me to change too fast and to grow up for our son. I'm growing up as fast as I can without going to fast. I think that was one problem with my first relationship, I tried to be too mature to early. But I think I may be subconsciously rebelling against his pushing like I've done to every other person, like my mom and dad pushing me to be good in school and to get a job and grow up. I also feel that I grew up to fast in respect to being the oldest of 5. I felt at the time that I had to be the oldest one, the role-model. Especially for my sister who is ten years younger than I. I just pray that she doesn't have a kid until she's ready and in a stable relationship. And then there was the sibling rivalry and competition to the best over my brothers. I was the oldest, I should've been the smartest, the fastest, the best at everything. And in some ways the competition still sticks with me, but my fiance' is trying to get a lot of that sibling rivalry out of me to help me move on and realize that the oldest is not always the best (he uses his older brother as a prime example, but that's another story).
He's had the time and experiences to grow up easier than I have had. He's almost 25 and I'm just turned 21. Also, it seems to me that he isn't taking much initiative in taking care of our son anymore because he is the only one with a fully productive job and he wants everything to revolve around his needs and feelings. If he's sick or not feeling well, I let him relax in the bedroom as much as I can with an active child. If I'm feeling ill or not up to facing the world, he tells me to get up and play with our son. I recently brought this to his attention and since then he has been a little more helpful when I am not in tip top shape. But if I make what he sees as a mistake, like scolding our son in unison with him, he gets mad at me and tells me to back off. I'm agreeing with him on something and he's telling me that I shouldn't be.
Okay, moving to the point. Am I just a pessimist because of my last relationhip (yes, I do have a terrible habit of dwelling in the past)? Or is this relationship not meant to last? I love him, but most of the time when we are confined to our apartment, we are arguing or ignoring each other. Would a change of scenery help? I feel so much more comfortable when we are out and about with our son. We have some wonderful memories out of the house, and especially on his traditional family vacations (the last three years I have had the opportunity to go with him, our sone, and/or his family). But when we get back to the apartment, it's back to before we left, upset and ignoring. Or is it because I'm not working and finances are problematic now?
I don't know if what I'm feeling is usual for an ongoing relationship or if I am personally, subconsciously trying to break us up. I've heard from an acquiantance that the third year of a relationship is the hardest, he's been with his gf/fiance' for almost five years. Is that true? Help, please, I don't want to lose this man, but I'm afraid I might be. Has the passion just phizzled out and can it be reclaimed? I haven't set a date for our marriage yet because I want to be sure this is the man I am willing to commit to. I need help!

Welcome to the board rikku_mom,
I think the two
We have talked about a standing date night before. We just never really sat down and talked about it in depth. It would be nice to switch off the planning of it, I'm just not sure he would be willing because he always wants to let me choose what we do so that I am happy. I want him to pick somethings he can be happy at or about, whether I like it a lot or not, as long as we are together and having fun, I'm happy. How do I tell him that?
He does take the two of us, my son and I, on walks across our local college campus and around the trails in town, but not often. We tried to start making the walk across the campus a nightly thing but that kinda fell through when his work started demanding more of his time and he wasn't always up to walking anymore. I don't know, I go out with him and our son even when I'm not always up to it. Why can't he do that, or try to do that too? We can always turn around and go home, as he so politely puts it sometimes?
Maybe the standing date night is just the trick we need to get back what we had before. I'll throw the idea at him and see what he thinks. Thank you.