Not sure what to think

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Not sure what to think
6
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 11:20am
Hi i have a dilemma iv been dating my guy for about 4 months he doesnt live near me as he is based in the RAF but thats not the problem, problem is a friend of his who he says he is close to iv known about her for a while I just thought they were mates but i did start to suspect something a couple of months ago and i think you just relise when somethings have changed only if they are little things, i did the wrong thing and checked his phone but i did find messages to one another he was telling her he missed her was thinking of her and loved spending time with her (i dont get any texts ike that from him) Now i have been cheated on in the past and ths lend me to belive he was cheating i confromted him and he told me that yes they did like one another but nothing had happend she is with someone and he is woith me they spoke about it and he choose to be with me over her but these texts still bother me cause if anyone was getting texts like that should it be his girlfriend....me? you would think so we spoke about it that night and he did make some good points as in if he didnt want to be with me he wouldnt and i belive him and i would never ask him to give up his mates for me but at the moemnt it feels like there is 3 people in this relationship he was very angry and i did think i lost him but we are still together and this still bothers me but i dont think he can understand why becasue of my past am i making this into somthing its not i mean the texts did hurt me and he said he didnt tell me because he didnt want to hurt my feeloing but hiding it form me hurt more he said he would nevet cheat on me and he is just close to her because she has a few problems at home, they also work together so she sees him alot more than me her boyfriend is away at the moment and they all work together, he does spend every weekend he has free with me i have met some important people in his life and i wonder why would he do that if he didnt want me i do belive he would tell me but i dont know what to belive after this please help am i over reacting?
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 12:08pm

Are you saying that he does have feelings for her, but that they talked, and they decided not to be together?

If that's the case, then he should NOT be talking to her. They are clearly more than friends, even if it's only emotional and not physical.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 12:16pm
Well yes thats waht he said to me they have been friends a while so i guess they will continue to be i cant reslly stop him he said he has choosen me over her
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 12:20pm

He may have chosen you over her, but he still has her too if they're still communicating. In my opinion, it is NOT appropriate that he still be friends with someone for whom he has deeper than friendship feelings and whom he texts "I miss you", etc.

How would he feel if you still kept in contact with someone you had romantic feelings for still?

It doesn't sound like he sees things the same way you do, so if he refuses to cut off contact with her, you have a decision to make. Is this the kind of relationship you want to be in where your bf has a "friend" who he has more than friends feelings for?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 12:27pm
she wasnt a porblem untill recently she also has a man but he is away and she also works with them both i dont know what to do i like him and want to eblive him and in a way i do but i cant be in a relationship woith him and his 'friend'
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2007
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 4:10pm

You are NOT over reacting! Come on. He misses her? (They work together - how does he have a chance to miss her?)He's thinking about her?! He loves to spend time with her?!

These are not the kind of messages that you send a purely platonic friend. ESPECIALLY a friend who is lonely and vulnerable because their husband is outta town. He can be supportive, but he cannot give her the kind of attention that she really wants - the romantic attention that her hubbie is not around to give.

Even if they haven't done anything physical, the two of you need to talk about setting CLEAR BOUNDARIES in their friendship. He shouldn't be sending these types of messages. He is with you, and shouldn't be sending her signals that he'd rather be spending his time with her.

By the way, his argument that he's 'with you and that should be enough proof' is not very strong. People cheat all the time with no intention of ending their relationship. Additionally, she's not single! So he wouldn't be able to pursue a relationship with her even if he wanted to!

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 4:50pm

Clearly, he has some feelings for her. He said they are both with someone else and choosing to be with the other person and yet this flirtation has been going on. You have to decide whether or not you want to be with someone who is also involved flirting with someone else. Is he willing to put an end to the relationship? Are you