Not sure what to think anymore

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2014
Not sure what to think anymore
Tue, 03-25-2014 - 9:22pm

Ladies....This question is for you. 

My wife and I are in rough part of our 15 year marriage. Everything has been good up until last month.  I had a trip where I was going for a week.  At the end of the trip I was checking my text message limit and noticed that my wifes amount of text were very high and it was to our friend's phone.  I got home and checked her phone and saw that she was texting our friend but there wasn't enough texts in the history to account for all the texting.  

I confronted her and she at first said they were about a project he was helping with and then I ask if she deleted any she admitted she did.  She did because they would upset me if taken out of context.  I ask if they were flirty and she said nothing more than we've all flirted while hangin out.  She said she'd stop.  A week goes by and we talked about it several times because it really bothered me.  I got very insecure and logged in to her facebook account and saw the message thread.  It wasn't good.  She said she knows she leave him and alone but doesn't want to.  Then realized I was watching.  We fought and she was upset that I babying her and watching her.  That she doesn't control in her life.  And while the messages were bad, she was doing it as a game.  Sort of who has the last say... She said she would stop but she wanted to tell him because she resent me if I said they had to stop. 

We talked about it several times and comminucation has been better.  I didn't seen any FB messages between them but I can see when they are both active or not.  And when she goes active, within a minute he does and vice versa.  She chalks it up to bad timing.  I got pissed tonight and looked in her history, while I can't see the messages I can see that she has gone to his message section on FB a few times today... If I confront her she will say I am parinoid and the messages mean nothing to her.  

If they nothing, wouldn't it be easy to stop it?  Is it still a control thing or is it something more.  I want her to have her freedom, privacy, etc.  But I want to be secure in marriage and I am not.  It makes me scared and then I want to see what she is doing.  This nasty loop that I want to stop.  I love her and want our marriage to conitinue.  During this whole time I still don't think there is anything physical between them.  Is she playing me?

I don't know where to go.  


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2013
Wed, 03-26-2014 - 9:50am

You monitor your wife's texts and FB messages-Why? You obviously do not trust her and haven't trusted her.

She's messaging another man with messages that she has to delete. There is more to the story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 03-26-2014 - 9:59am

I think what she is doing is a dangerous game.  She wasn't chatting with this guy about the weather, she was flirting.  And no, married people generally don't flirt with their friends of the opposite sex if they want to keep their marriage strong--it's inappropriate.  She says she doesn't want to be told what to do, however, if someone is doing something to upset their spouse and they know it's not a good idea anyway, the best thing to do would be to stop.  If you have a good marriage, wouldn't you want to stop doing something that you know is going to hurt the marriage, if it's something reasonable?  I think you need to keep communicating about this and if you can't solve the problem yourselves, then see a professional.  You aren't trusting her right now and she sees you as trying to control her and neither thing is good for your relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012
Wed, 03-26-2014 - 10:41am

I think the two of you should seek professional counseling.  (1)If you are both dedicated to making your marriage work, starting things off again with good communication and a better understanding of how each of you feel about the relationship is vital.  (2)If you're not BOTH dedicated to making the marriage work, you need to begin to explore why together. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 03-26-2014 - 12:31pm

Everything was NOT good until last month.  A marriage doesn't go off the rails overnight.  You thought everything was good, but it obviously wasn't.  You're not sure what to think anymore?  Maybe it's time to stop thinking and start talking!  "Confronting" isn't talking, either.  Confrontation is hostile and oppositional.  Ask her what she wants from you, and tell her what you want from her.  Stop checking up on her.  She knows you're checking, so you won't find anything.  Try counseling.  It helps to talk to a neutral person. You both have issues.  She thinks you're trying to control her, and you're insecure.  Insecurity leads to trying to control  This stuff doesn't work.  The two of you need to work things out, and if that can't be done, then it's time to think about ending the relationship. 

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 03-27-2014 - 10:35am

What she is doing is definitely crossing over the line of what a person in a committed relationship should be doing. So either you learn to live with it, or it stops. It doesn't seem to me like you can learn to live with it, so you must insist that it stops and as the others have said you need to start talking about your relationship with a counselor. Find out what happened to cause her to seek attention from another man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2013
Tue, 04-01-2014 - 12:15pm

Having been through this with my husband, I can tell you that it is trouble. Anytime you have to delete texts, emails, iChats or phone calls from your log, you are already cheating on your spouse. Whether physical or not, you are cheating in your heart. 

I would recommend marriage counseling