Not sure what to think (sorry long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2014
Not sure what to think (sorry long)
6
Tue, 01-07-2014 - 9:45am

Hi, I am really looking for some advise. My boyfriend dumped me after almost a year together. I feel quite pathetic, I am a 34 year old woman who has not been in many long term relationships due to a previous toxic relationships with my sons father. I have been in therapy and have gotten back on my feet- it took me quite a number of years but i finally found my confidence and allowed myself to start dating again. Over the last five years or so I have dated here and there, nothing serious and no one that I have fell in love with. Then last April, i met my boyfriend.... He broke down all my walls and I fell in love with him. He was everything I was looking for in a partner--soulmate-- husband-- whatever you wish to call it. We moved quite fast, faster than I normally would have, but we were in love. He set the speed of our relationship and I was all in... We spent a lot of time together, he asked for a monogomous relationship within the first month of us dating and he introduced me to his family with in six weeks. He has been married twice before, he claims his first wife fell out of love with him and his second wife cheated on him. He knew I had never been married and definately was interested in getting married one day. We never really talked about it because in my opionon I thought we were going to be together forever and marriage was just inevitable. We grew very close and within about 3 months I introduced him to my 10 year old son and my family. Not a day went by that we didn't speak on the phone. he always made me and my son a priority. Things were going great! He would sometimes tease me and call me MRS. (insert his last name), his mom called me her daughter in law, sister and brother called me their sister in law. All of these great signs that were pointing me in the safe and secure direction of us becoming a family. Six months into our relationship and my son had to be put in the hospital and he was such a huge rock for me. He let me cry, he listened to my fears, and he soothed me at night. While my son was in the hospital I got displaced from my home, and he kindly offered me to stay with him. Long story short I told him it was short term until I could find somewhere else to live, but he insisted I stay there even mentioning my son and I move in. We talked in length about it and I finally agreed, his lease was coming up in three months and it was a one bedroom so we were going to look for a bigger place..... well, he got spoooked. And I understood that- I even moved out, found another place for my son and I to live and we continued dating. But it was still a bad fight... i felt slightly confused and let down, but I loved him and he continued to love me....  Fast forward a few weeks later.... we had previously discussed moving in together after he signed another lease for his apartment, we didn't have an exact time frame but it was understood that it would be less than a year.  Well he never told me until I found out a week before Christmas that he resigned his lease for 18 more months, putting us to June of 2015....I got upset and backed off bc I really started to get scared. He got mad at me and dumped me... DUMPED me... after speaking to each other every day and being with each other 3-4 days a week he dumps me via text, blocks me on facebook and doesn't give me any explanation excpet to say he is never getting married again, he knows that is something I want and he doesn't think he will ever want it. And it's best to end things now.... I am totally like WTF!! I am miserable. I have tried to reach out to him, but he has cut me off. He asked for his key bac(which he gave me 4 months into our relationship)   and basically told me never to contact him again... What happened? Its been almost three weeks since I saw him and heard his voice and almost 2 weeks since he broke my heart. I don't know what to think or do.... I try to get up each day and be strong and put on a brave face. I cry almost every day. I feel like this is my fault, then I realize he is obviously afraid of committment. But the pain I am in, i feel like I would exchange that just to be with him for the rest of my life even if we never got married.....But he wants nothing to do with me, and I feel hurt and rejected. I let him in.....he was my everything....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2006
Tue, 01-07-2014 - 10:33am

So sorry to hear this :/ it sounds like maybe something happened in his life recently (with an ex-wife, maybe?) that brought back bad memories of being married, and he freaked. It is odd though considering he was in control of the speed that the relationship progressed to from the beginning. Do you know the reasons his past marriages failed? That might help to shed some light on the situation. You are lucky that he made this clear to you within a few months, as opposed to years. Either way I feel for you! Don't let this experience deter you from finding someone else to love..there are so many men out there! You are young, so enjoy yourself. Find a babysitter and go out with some friends one night for drinks. Have a wine night! (That always seems to make things better, for me, at least! :) Even if you stay single for a while, that's not a bad thing. Hey, I'm married, just had my second baby, and it isn't easy. Even after finding someone that you want to start a life with, things do not magically get great and you are happy all the time. Just read through the marriage boards! There have been so many times where I wished I was single again and enjoying my youth with my friends, being free, and meeting new people. You sound like you have a great kid, and you will meet a man that will be not only your lover, but your best friend. In the meantime, join activities where you will meet like-minded people.. maybe try meetup.com? I move around a lot and that's how I meet new friends! Wishing you lots of happiness in the future :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 01-07-2014 - 11:27am

1) This is not your fault--keep repeating this to yourself.  I can't see here that you did anything wrong.

2) Your exBF is a jerk--not because he broke up with you because you never know what is going on in his head, but the way he did is was totally wrong.  This isn't a guy you had known a few weeks--it's someone you had been dating for a year and instead of having the decency to speak to you, he breaks up with you by text and prevents you from contacting him again?  Who does that?  If he decided he didn't really ever want to get married agin, he should have told you in person and you could have discussed it--then at least you would have had the option of deciding whether that's something you could live with.  Obviously I think it's more than just deciding that he didn't want to get married.

3) his behavior is strange, hot & cold.  He basically rushes you into meeting his family, he asks you & your son to move in--and then he changes his mind.  He tells you later that he wants you to move in with him but he signs a leas that basically ensures that you can't move in with him (I assume that he signed the lease for the 1 BR apt so there was no room for your son)--so his actions and his words are contradictory--is this your fault?  I don't read anywhere that you were making demands that you should move in with him--it was all his idea and then he changes his mind and blames you.  So he's a flake.

Of course you are sad now cause you were in love with him but you will get over it eventually and hopefully you will find someone more suited to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2014
Tue, 01-07-2014 - 12:31pm

Thank you for your insight. I just feel lost right now. I know it hasn't been that long since he broke things off, and yes the way he did is themost hurtful.  He did tell me thru an email because I basically demanded some form of communication bc I was hurting so bad, that he couldn't continue to have conversations about marriage and moving is with me because it was just going around in circles, and that he plans to say single because he can't meke me happy and then asked me to stop communicating with him. I never got an apology or I hope the best for you.. just plain and simple he wants to be alone. I am miserable without him. I miss him so much . I often wonder if he misses me... despite the non-commital part of him-- he was a fabulous guy. How do you just turn that off? He did it somehow and I need to figure out how to do it myself, bc I am torturing myself with all these unanswered questions and this desire to still be with him. And then I get afraid that once I have healed and I don't hurt anymore, he will want to come back into my life....  It's a cruesl obsession--heartache...... where did his love for me go and who chooses to be alone for the rest of their lives when you can share that with someone you love?  Did he really love me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 01-07-2014 - 1:40pm

I think the point of living a happy life is to accept what happens and move on.......NOT to sit and wonder WHY ir worry IF!  It happened, there is nothing you can do to change it (nor should you want to change it).  If you must THINK, here's what you need to think:  He is a spineless excuse for a man to "dump" you by text.  He doesn't like you going "in circles" about marriage, etc.  Too BAD!  This man led you on a merry chase, rushing things in the beginning, being unhappy because you wanted "communication".....how DARE you?  You wonder if he misses you?  I'm sure he misses the availability of intimacy, but for all you know you've already been replaced.  The end of a relationship, especially when it's something sudden that you never expected, is no different than a sudden death of a loved one.  And, you have to mourn both.......but not forever, or not even for an extended period of time.  It's over, and instead of worrying "what to think".........STOP thinking, and start living your life again.  Don't worry, he's gone, and good riddance.  It sounded like he was very controlling anyway.......and as far as his two divorces, you only know what HE told you, and of course he made himself look good to you.  He's probably now telling the next one how you tried to push him into marriage.  You did good, you didn't uproot yourself and your son without a definite commitment from him.......had you actually moved in with him.....you'd have been here 5 years from now asking "how long should I wait?"  Here's what you should think..........."I missed a disaster for me and my son........and I'm so glad.  Now I can get on with my life and hopefully find a man who wants what I want......because he definitely didn't want what I wanted"!  Think of him as dead and buried, and move on with YOUR life!  Good Luck to you and your son!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2014
Tue, 01-07-2014 - 9:56pm

I appreciate everyone's feedback. My head and my heart are not communicating with each other... My head knows i deserve better and after the way he has treated me why would I have any desire to hear from him, right?  But then my heart screams out and I miss him and my stomach jumps into my throat everytime I hear my phone ring. I just want him to reach out to me. I am not a person who leaves loose ends untied or doesnt complete a project, and I feel like if I never hear from him again a piece of my heart will always be missing.  I have friends and family who are trying to be there for me.... I get up and go to work and care for my son, but I'm bruised, and yes I am mourning....  Sometimes if I think of it in those terms, as morbid as it sounds, it's slightly easier.... but I miss him. He was my best friend... I have to talk myself out of contacting him on a daily basis.... I haven't and will not.... but I still think about it and how I wish we could talk.... I wasn't prepared for the last time we kissed to be our last kiss. At least when someone passes, you mourn with others, you get to see the body there is headstone.... in a broken relationship and with a broken heart--- they are still out there....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2014
Fri, 02-14-2014 - 4:54pm
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