Not sure what's the right thing to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Not sure what's the right thing to do
8
Thu, 03-22-2012 - 9:16pm

Hello,

My boyfriend and I have been through alot over the years. Still I am ready to settle down and get married. As fate would have it he is no position to marry. He lost his job in September and has not been able to find work. He lives in another state 2.5 hours away from me and we've been doing the long distance thing for a year. I was thinking that we would be moving in together when the leases are up on our apartments this Fall. I thought that he would move back to NY since I am already established here and I have a very good job. But he seems determined to get back on his feet where he's at. He's struggling reallly bad out there and I don't fully get it. I am willing for him to come back and look for a job here, but he doesn't seem to want to do that. I think that a part of that has to do with his parents. They want him to stay away from me and focus on his life. I agree that he has not focused on his life as much as he should, but I don't feel that I am distracting him. He keeps telling me that he loves me and plans to marry me, but I don't know what to do right now. I feel that he is putting us on the back burner, but maybe that is the right thing for him to do. However, I don't want to be on the back burner and I feel like I am probably wasting more time. I should point out that I am older than him and we've been together for 4.5 years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 03-23-2012 - 12:02am

What you have to do is what's right for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Fri, 03-23-2012 - 12:17am
Thanks for the no nonsense advice. You made some really good points that I did not think about. I just wanted to add that his parents do not live in his state either, but he is very much a mama's boy and seems to seek the approval of his parents and siblings. He is the only boy and the youngest child so maybe that has something to do with it. I am also more than 4 years older than him and he is 30. The fact that he sounded very young to you also tells me something and that's that he's just not ready. When does he plan to marry is a very good question and I honestly have no idea. Apparently it is no time soon. I was just believing that he was trying to prove something to himself and his family by not relying on me to help him. But who knows. In my heart, I know you are right and it is time to move on. I guess I am just afraid too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Fri, 03-23-2012 - 1:16am
Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Fri, 03-23-2012 - 7:06am
I agree with fissatore - if you've been together almost 5 years and he is faced with an ideal opportunity to move closer to you and actually start a life together and he chooses not to take it ... he probably will never be ready to make that move. You are right that you are wasting your time.

Stop making excuses for him! They are weak excuses. He wants to prove to himself and his parents that he doesn't have to rely on you? Firstly, who says he would be relying on you? Why doesn't he look for a job in your area and when he finds one, then move out there on his own? You don't necessarily have to move in together right away, he could get his own place in your town or city. People move states for job opportunities all the time and they don't always rely on other people to help them do it.

Secondly, if he is more concerned with proving something to his parents than living his own life, you will never be happy together. He will always be putting what his parents want of him first - not you or your relationship.

Thirdly, being the youngest child has nothing to do with it. I am the youngest, I am close with my parents, and I moved to another COUNTRY to be with my husband, though my parents were unhappy about it. And this was when I was 24, not 30.

He's a grown man. Tell him to start acting like it or end the relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 03-23-2012 - 10:24am

Since he has no job right now & you have a good job it would make the most sense for him to be looking for a job near where you live--what would happen if he found a good job where he lives now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 03-23-2012 - 11:26am

If he's thirty, and still doesn't know what he's doing with his life......then he has a problem, or several problems.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Sat, 03-24-2012 - 11:23am
OMG, your last statement "sitting home alone brooding and waiting for Mr. Wrong" really hit hard. It brought tears to my eyes because the truth hurts. That has been my life for too long and I am tired. I am facing the fact that this is no good for me and I have to move on for my own sake. I thank everyone for their advice because now I feel I can leave him and not feel guilty. Thanks for letting me know that. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Mon, 03-26-2012 - 2:28pm

you don;t owe him anything at all. Just take care of yourself, and open up to new relationships with the men around you. Good luck!