Not sure which way to turn

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Not sure which way to turn
7
Mon, 10-15-2007 - 6:35am

My husband and I have been married for over 25 years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 10-15-2007 - 10:23am

You are most likely right that he is depressed. The really tough thing is that he refuses to acknowledge it or try to get help. It's hard for him because until he accepts that he is going downward, he won't be able to be happy. And it's hard for you because you can only lead him so far before he has to go the rest of the way on his own.

I wish it weren't so, but you need to start thinking about definite limits for how much you can handle. His depression and anxiety is not only his problem; he's making it yours. I wonder if he is showing any schizophrenic tendencies? There are some problems that can only be helped with medication or behavioral therapy. It's not up to you or I to diagnose him but unfortunately he has to be willing to get help in order for that to happen.

If he is unwilling to help himself for his own sake, let alone the sake of people who care about him, then there's not much you can do and you may have to start thinking about what's best for you individually. I'm really sorry, and I hope he turns around.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2007
Mon, 10-15-2007 - 10:35am

My ex-SO had a very negative & pessimistic outlook on life and it is draining. In the beginning I thought I could live with it and even possibly try to help him get a more positive outlook on things. It didn't work. I only spent a year with this guy, I can't imagine 20+ years. I have no advice for you except to learn, somehow, how to live with it if you want to keep the relationship.

Negative people are difficult and will suck the life out of you.

LG
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 10-15-2007 - 11:14am

Welcome to the board freshsunshine,


I agree that it sounds like he could be depressed. If he isn't willing to get help for this, than it isn't likely to change. You said that he hasn't always been like this so

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Mon, 10-15-2007 - 8:20pm

Thank you for the replies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Tue, 10-16-2007 - 10:33am

Do the two of you have a family doctor ?


I'd start with the doctor.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-16-2007 - 10:49am

Let your husband know that you're finding it very difficult to be alone so much of the time and also in such a negative enviornment. Speak to him clearly and honestly (and without anger or criticism). Just let him know that you feel as though you do not have a true partner and do not want to live in such a negative situation forever. Of course it is up to him to decide to make changes and get help. If there are no consequences to his choices and behavior he can go on this way forever. If there are consequences, if you let him know how you feel and that his marriage is in danger, that "may" be a catalyst for his going for help. It also may not. That is something you must be aware of. He may feel threatened and blackmailed. Ultimately, you cannot base your life and well-being on his choices and on how he feels. You have a responsibility to yourself to make choices and to create a life style that are positive and healthy for you.


All good wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 10-16-2007 - 11:43am

Welcome to the board freshsunshine,


Too bad he won't seek help - maybe a physical would get the ball rolling.


Reading material to consider as well:


Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw