not sure why he's with me

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
not sure why he's with me
3
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 11:41am
My boyfriend "Chris" and I have been together for all most 6 months now. He asked me to move in with him soon after we got together and I have been here ever since. I work full-time, go to school, and am stuck with all the household chores. I do not pay any of the bills (he does not have a house payment/rent), but I have offered to. This is my dilemma. Chris has never told me he loves me. We have not discussed our feelings for eachother since the first month we got together and I did not have the guts to tell him I fell in love with him the first date we went on. I think he knows I love him because not only do I do everything that needs to be done around the house for him, but I always do small surprises for him too. I am scared that he keeps me around just because I clean his house and the sex is pretty good. I have told him this and he just laughs and rolls his eyes. How do I find out if he loves me? I'm not sure I can come right out and ask.
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 1:16pm
You can't come right out and ask because you're afraid of the answer. But then again, if he DOESN'T really love you and if he is using you, you should know so you can move on before you get in deeper. I think you need to come right out and ask.

One way to ask without being completely straightforward and asking 'do you love me?' is to say "where do you see yourself in a year, 3 years, 5 years?" See if he says "with you" or "married to you" or something to that effect. Something with YOU included. If he doesn't specify YOU, then you know where you stand.

If you do not find out where he sees this relationship going, then you have no one to blame but yourself if you end up getting hurt somewhere down the road.

In the future, take some time to get to know someone and be sure you know their intentions for life and where you fit into it, before moving in. This usually takes a good year.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 1:17pm
gocards84...

This is going to sound a little odd...but both times Pianoguy read your post, the song: "What's Love Got To Do With It" (by Tina Turner) started playing through his head!

It's obvious (to me, anyway) that I.L.Y. isn't part of Chris' vocabulary...even though you'd like it to be? This leaves you with 3 choices:

1. Get up your courage and ask him if his love for you is REAL...or if he just likes the idea of "having you around?" Don't let him gloss you over with a 2-word answer. Tell him how bothered you are by his lack of....err...verbal affection!

2. Spend a month or two "crashing" with a friend...or back with family...and see if his attitude about you changes.

3. Say ABSOLUTELY NOTHING...and continue to remain miserable and insecure.

I have a hunch you'll opt for #1 or #2? Best of luck and warm thoughts from...

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 3:40pm
Love and trust are very important keys to a great relationship. But without communication, verbal or actions, there is not really a relationship at all. These nice things you do for him, does he show you he loves or wants to be with you (not including the sex), by what he shows you? Corny as it sounds, Janet Jackson's song "What Have You Done For Me Lately?" asks a woman to stop and think if the relationship is one-sided or not.

Of course, asking him point blank will give you the truth, the words you may or may not want to hear. You cannot gain anything if you don't risk it. (Meaning: if you want him, ask him if he loves you back. But if he is worth it to you, you owe it to yourself to get the answer you seek.)

good luck!