Not there for me

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2008
Not there for me
Sun, 06-05-2011 - 6:29pm

I've been dating my boyfriend for about 3 years now, and it's been rocky from the start. We started seeing each other "for fun" and he didn't want to commit, but over time, we grew closer and eventually started dating exclusively. A year in he told me he loved me, and for a while I was sure he was someone I could see myself marrying. Then a lot of stuff happened. We were both grad students and in the fall I interviewed for a job that would potentially take me out of the state we live in. He was completely unsupportive and didn't even ask how the interview went. A few months ago, I confronted him about the situation and told him I had very serious doubts about being together. He's since tried harder, and I know he loves me very much. He always tells me how much he cares, and he's constantly making plans for the future. The problem is, they usually revolve around his desires and don't factor in what I want. Now, in the last few weeks, I've had one crisis after another. I wrecked my car, lost my only promising job lead, and worst of all, found out my brother has a terminal illness. Obviously, I have been a complete wreck. The night I told my boyfriend the news, he was unhelpful and asked a lot of questions. We aren't in the same city right now, so I told him I wanted to go to a friend's house and ended the phone call. The next day, I didn't hear from him once until I contacted him about difficulties with the car process. Several times, I tried to talk to him about my feelings and how I was doing, and he ignored me or changed the topic of conversation. He never once asked me how I was doing or if I needed anything. Prior to this news, I found out about losing the job opportunity and he made various insensitive comments like a joke about how I should just kill myself since things were going so badly for me. It really hurt my feelings, and the reaction to my brother's illness feels like the last straw. I finally confronted him about it, and his only response was that he deals with things by making jokes and that he didn't know what to say to me. When I told him how I felt unsupported all week, he turned it around and yelled at me for "making him feel like sh**." After an hour of fighting, he begrudgingly said he was sorry for approaching things wrong and said he would try to do better. I told him that honestly I needed some time before I felt I could talk to him again. Since then, he has acted like nothing has happened. I'm at my wit's end and trying to be patient and not make spur of the moment decisions after a week of utter hell. But things are not going to get better for me for quite some time, and I'm not sure that this guy is someone anyone should marry! We're at the point that we should get engaged or break up, and he just hurt me so badly this week that I'm not sure I can ever come back from it. Is this a relationship worth fighting for? I tend to feel like having to explain to him to be supportive after a week like this means that he's never going to have the emotional availability I need. I believe a spouse is meant to be the one person in the world you can always turn to, and this week, I've resigned myself to seeking comfort elsewhere. I'm not sure it's a relationship that can be sustained, but I'm so mixed up right now that I don't know what to think. I know it's not fair to keep punishing him for his wrongs, but I have no desire to talk to him right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Sun, 06-05-2011 - 8:43pm

If your relationship needs are not being met, then it is time to end the relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 06-05-2011 - 11:39pm

Your relationship has been "rocky" from day one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Mon, 06-06-2011 - 1:07pm
I'd be very wary of any relationship that was "rocky from the start." The beginning you are building the foundation for what is to come. You need a solid, happy, good foundation if you have any hope of having a successful long term relationship with anyone. And if the foundation was cracked/broke early on, you cannot fix that later in the game.

I say cut your losses, you aren't getting your very basic relationship needs met. Move on. Don't try to "be friends" - no on can be friends right after a break up. Just end contact, move on, and focus on other things.

Anyone who comes to a cross road where getting engaged or breaking up are the options - then this relationship will never make it. The marriage will be riddled with issues because that's exactly how the dating part went!