Not too bad to leave... Not to good to stay

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2012
Not too bad to leave... Not to good to stay
4
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 12:15am

HI,

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years. We are 15 years apart, I being the younger. We have a one year old together. We also started and currently run a successful business together.

I have recently started looking at my life. I want to make some changes. First, my career. My boyfriend and I decided that there are "too many cooks in the kitchen" and I told him I wanted a new career. I want to be a police officer. He is highly opposed to this due to potential dangers and that I am a mother. So that's a whole other topic lol.

More importantly, I am unhappy with our relationship. We lack that spark, the passion. I know that fades overtime and I am not just speaking about sex, however that isn't great either :(  We don't kiss, touch or even seem to have general fun anymore. I feel like I live with a really great business partner. He is loving, helpful, am amazing dad and much more. I am just not getting what I need though.

We have been to several therapists but have not clicked with any of them. I recently saw a text on his phone (we switched phones). He was asking someone about a ring. I think he is going to purpose. If I say I'm not ready, I know our relationship will end. This is just not howwant to to spend the rest of my life. I love him dearly, but I feel as I am missing out on my youth or maybe a more comptable relationship.

I would rather stay in this one and keep my family together if possible. Is it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 3:50am

Depends on if you're willing to lower your expectations and settle for what sounds like a wonderful man in most aspects except for the passion isn't there. You could find a more passionate partner BUT will he be as loving helpful and good to your child as this man is? You must have felt enough for him at one point to have a child with him, that is unless the baby wasn't planned? Are you willing to stay for your one yr. old and to keep the family together? Do you think you could possibly renew the spark somehow if you really work on it? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2012
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 7:13am

Our son was definitely not planned, but we both love him very much. I think if I'm going to leave, now is the time when my son is still very young. So I need some sort of plan to try and start working on this with my boyfriend. I just don't even know where to begin.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 10:32am

any spark can be reignited with the right fuel--and that fuel is complete and total honesty about how and why the breakdown in your relationship has occurred, taking ownership of your part in it and working on keeping that honesty and openness at the forefront of your interactions.  What I get from you is that you're closed off from that level of examination because your foot is already outside the door of this relationship.  Perhaps you two never should have hooked up, despite the child being created.  Being pregnant with the baby didn't mean you had to move in together and be a family. All that needed was that you both agree to and provide support for the child, not force a relationship between you two.

The path that you want to set off upon means that you're going to have to be cool with another woman coming into your son's life as his father's partner/wife--as well as him being cool with another man coming into that child's life--because I"m sure neither one of you expect to remain alone for the next 18 years.  Are you emotionally prepared for that? Is he?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 11:19am

Can you figure out exactly what it is that you need and tell him to see if he can provide that?  I did read the book called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay and remember that one thing she said was to consider what you need from your partner and also consider whether your partner is willing & able to provide it--but you have to give him a chance also.  It might be that you want someone who is supportive of your desire to be a police officer.  yes it is dangerous and the hours are weird so you would need him to be willing to step up on that one--but even if you separated and you decided to do that on your own, you would have to find someone to provide child care when you are working.  You could tell him that it's important to you to feel that he has affection for you and that it's not only sex, but you would like to have him kiss & hug you every day--of course that's a 2 way street.  When you come in from work, you could kiss him hello & see how he responds to that until it becomes a habit.  As far as counseling, why is it that you didn't feel that you connected with the therapists?  I'm sure not all therapists are good but what are your expectations?  i went to therapy by myself when I was thinking of getting divorced and I can't say that I really loved my therapist, but she still gave me some good ideas.  You also have to stick with therapy for several months with the same person to get anything out of it.  You might also try going to invid. therapy so you can get all your doubts out on the table w/o having to worry about hurting your partner's feelings--that might give you some insight into exactly what it is you need from him & how to go about getting that.