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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2014
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Fri, 05-30-2014 - 10:30am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 05-30-2014 - 11:24am

You obviously don't trust this man, or any man.  In the best of relationships, you can't be together 24/7, and who would want that anyway?  If you feel he's cheating on you, then end the relationship.  Do you have any evidence that he's cheating, other than the fact you can't see him?  Because you met him in March, and didn't hear from him until May, that means he was "chasing other women"?  So what?  He wasn't in a relationship with you at that time.  And that's what men (and women) do!  They test the waters, they look around, and keep looking until they find someone who holds their interest....that's you.  That doesn't mean you're "second best".  That means he didn't find anyone he wanted a relationship with UNTIL he got back to you.  Turn it around.  What if you'd been dating someone in March when you met him.  Then the guy you were dating turned out NOT to be Mr.Wonderful, and you remembered the bus driver, and looked him up.  Started seeing him, and realized he's a really nice guy, and start a relationship with him.  Does that mean he's "second best"?  Or does that mean it took you a few months to see that he was POSSIBLY the man you're looking for? 

You've had relationship problems, but who hasn't?  It's made you not trust men, and it's also torn down your self esteem.  You need to know that YOU are a good woman, that you deserva a good man, and you have to give this guy a chance.  If you're uncomfortable with the job he has, and you think you can't trust him, then end the relationship.  If he's untrustworthy, it's not because you're second best, it's because he can't be trusted.  Two different things.  Strange coincidence, I had a long relationship with a man who drove charter busses (coaches) for a living.  He was all over the US on different trips.  I occasionally went with him when there was an empty seat.  Just as your guy, he was friendly, he was polite, and he was "flirty".  The majority of his passengers were middle aged women that were alone, or with girlfriends.  I literally WATCHED him flirting with some of them.....and so what?  Also, did you realize that if they like the driver, they will "tip" him at the end of a trip? ( I mean the group that chartered the coach)  You need to work on yourself.......build your confidence and/or self esteem.  Know that you don't NEED a man so that you're not sitting on pins and needles, just waiting till you catch him at something.  If you do catch him, fine, he's gone.  You know the old saying, you have to kiss a lot of frogs!  Eventually you'll find the prince......in the meantime, enjoy life with whatever frog you're with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 05-30-2014 - 2:10pm

Apparently you didn't go to counseling long enough because you still have the trust problems.  I agree that no relationship that you are in will be successful until you get over the trust issue--how would you feel if you were in your BF's place?  After one year together and with no apparent evidence that he has done anything wrong, you still don't trust him!  If I were him, I wouldn't tolerate that.  My 2nd DH was a little like that and I found it very insulting.  I would give my co-worker a ride home (which took about 5 minutes) and he would get upset about that.  If the sun visor was down in the passenger seat of my car, he'd ask questions about who had been in the car.  I'm surprised he didn't try checking my phone and email too.  

Your statement that you feel second best because he didn't call you for 2 months is ridiculous.  You had just met the guy and weren't in a relationship, plus he had just gotten out of a relationship.  He had every right to be chasing as many women as he wanted to at that time.  He dated you and kept dating you so obviously he cares about you--he could just as well have gone out with you on a couple of dates and decided to keep looking.  Your self esteem should not be tied to whether a man likes you or not.  I think people have self esteem if they have accomplished something.  I haven't had a BF since my divorce 6 yrs ago--sometimes I feel bad about it, but it's not stopping me from living my life.  I don't feel that it's because anything is wrong with me.  I feel it's a combination of being older and not as many single guys (and generally all the older women I know have trouble finding someone) and not being willing to date someone I find unsuitable just to have anyone--and a lot of it is just luck too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2014
Fri, 05-30-2014 - 5:28pm

Hi Thank you so much for your message you write a lot of sense and I think it is mainly me trust and self esteem, I also agree with you I need to start working on myself.  Yes a lot of frogs need to be kissed before finding a prince (if he is real?) unfortunately I always think negative.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2014
Fri, 05-30-2014 - 5:40pm

Hi thank you for your message.  I was on my own for five years before dating again and before that seven years after my divorce.

So I dont need a man in my life this recent one just happened and was lovely in the beginning, until he went to find out if a women

he was interested in was going on a week trip he was driving the coach, we had been dating for six months, he said just doing his

job but never checks any other lady groups.  He has just gone away this week with 45 women to a hotel and gets included with 

them for dinner etc, yes I know he has to eat but I then get in my head that he is sitting with women and socialisng how do you

trust on this? thank you 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 05-30-2014 - 11:14pm

I think it's better to have 1 man with 45 women than 1 man and 1 woman, if you know what I mean--it would be kind of obvious if he was going off with just one woman.  Look, you either trust someone or you don't.  No matter what kind of job a guy has there will be women around at work and at whatever else he is doing in his free time.  Your guy has a social type of job but if he was an accountant, he would still have women clients and coworkers.  It's just not healthy to start off being suspicious if there is no reason.  Then if a guy gives you a reason and does something you can't tolerate, then you break up--there's no use continuing a relationship if you can't really trust someone.  But you will just drive yourself crazy like this.  I just came back from a dance class--the studio is owned by a married couple but there are other male instructors.  Now there's one guy who is married and I think his behavior is really strange for a married man--he goes out dancing without his wife all the time on weekend nights--and this is not for work.  He's very flirty all the time although I don't know if he ever does anything beyond flirting.  Another guy has a GF and he's funny and has a good personality but he never flirts with anyone--it's more joking around.  But of course with ballroom dance, there is body contact all the time.  So 2 guys have the same job but it seems like one can be trusted and the other one is questionable--so it's not the job, it's the person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2014
Sat, 05-31-2014 - 5:36am

Hi Yes I truely understand what you are saying believe me.   Yes women every where and banter, flirting etc will always go on......

He texted me last night to say just finished   dinner at such and such restuarant now late drive back to hotel .....between restuarant and hotel was 13 mins by coach/car??? why lie.......or am I reading into this too much ?????

Thanks x

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 05-31-2014 - 11:55am

I don't understand this post at all.  Where is a lie?  He said he had to drive back to the hotel, and he probably had to take all or some of the people back to the hotel also.  Why is that a problem?  That is his JOB!  He takes people someplace, then he has to take them back to the hotel.  He was nice enough to text you and tell you what he was doing at the moment.  And, if you've ever been on a coach or bus in a big city, in traffic, it is a BIG and tiring job to get from one place to another, even 13 minutes away, and with traffic probably a lot more than that.  Can you imagine how it feels to be responsible for the safety of the 40 or 50 people on the bus?  I know you're in another country because you call it a coach, but I will assume they are the same everywhere.  Are you aware that he has the lovely job of emptying the toilet when he gets to his destination?  Are you aware that when he's not transporting people he has to make sure the bus is clean and even sometimes wash the windshield (windscreen) because it's dirty.  His job is NOT an easy job, and he has very little free time when he's not driving them somewhere.  Cut the guy a break and just enjoy his company when he's home.  I hope you get to go somewhere with him so you can see what he goes thru.  You need to get yourself into some counseling to learn how to trust unless you're given a REAL reason not to trust!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2014
Sat, 05-31-2014 - 3:04pm

Hi thank you for your reply, I do understand his job I have cleaned the coach inside at midnight with him and been on day outs. Yes his job is hard and when away so much harder.....staying in a hotel eating with the clients (ie 45 women) and socialize with them.  

He went away for a week recently and fancied one of the women going because he private messaged her on facebook, he didnt get a reply so went down to where she worked to ask if she was going, one of the other women said  she wasnt going, why be interested when in a relationship with me????

Yes I have trust issues and mainly from my divorce and ex boyfriends, I trusted my boyfriend until he did the above and his answer was part of my job but never checks other groups.  I feel he can hide behind his job because shifts, days, evenings and going away???

Counselling has helped but amy be I will never trust who knows eh? 

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 06-02-2014 - 10:06am

You were mentioning something in one of your posts about "needing" a man. You don't need a man, no one needs a man. You want a man. You have proved to yourself when you were in between relationships that you can be just fine on your own. I know many people here seem to stay in relationships because they are afraid to be alone. That cannot be the case with you because you have done it a couple of times previously. I think you have to take the attitude that if your current guy turns out to be a scumbag someday, you can always go back to being alone and you will be fine. You don't need him. Taking that attitude I think can help in dealing with your jealousies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2014
Mon, 06-02-2014 - 5:06pm

Hi Thank you for your message.  I dont need a man and if that has come across in my message sorry. He is now acting not like a partner and keeps saying if I am not happy dont be in this relationship its like he wants me to end the relationship rather then he do it.  Not treating me like a girlfriend anymore either............

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