numb..found fiance on ALT.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008
numb..found fiance on ALT.com
37
Sat, 12-27-2008 - 8:46pm
I really need opinions from the expert and men. My fiance and I have dated 3 years and they have been great except for a few glitches I will mention. 9 months into our relationship I found out he had a secret Myspace with past girlfriends and I was unhappy about this. He only deleted it after I asked him if it would be alright if I had a MS full of men I had slept with. It's so juvenile..he's 40. anyway, I thought all that was in the distant past. 6 months ago we became engaged. In the last 3 months I've noted suspicious behavior again...minimizing pages when I come up, and deleting the browser history....but he always tells me he's hurt that I don't completely trust him, so I ignored it. Anyway, just before Christmas I guess he got distracted and on the browser history was a login to his profile on ALT.com. I can't believe it. He has always told me he's so not into that kind of stuff when I quiz him. Even when I just talk a bit racy to him, he says "since when did this conversation turn into porn?" We sometimes watch movies to spice things up so I am definitely not a prude. He admits he was a playboy before he met me, and when ever I ask him if he ever has a hard time with monogomy, he adamantly denies such. I can't believe what he said on the site...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Tue, 12-30-2008 - 10:31am

Its really unfortunate that a smart, successful, beautiful woman can almost be convinced that settling for a life with a dishonest, sneaky, disrespectful man is the best she can expect.

People treat us the way we allow them to. Regardless of a man's quirky issues, he should be capable of loving his partner if he wants the luxury of being loved. If you really love someone your selfish needs don't matter more than commitment and respect.

Accepting and making excuses for bad behavior is what is wrong with the world today. If everyone behaves well and expects those in their lives to behave well, we are all better off. Its quite sad to see people with so little self respect that they will accept being treated poorly AND make excuses for those mistreating them...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008
Tue, 12-30-2008 - 11:44am
That last message I could have done without. I do have self esteem. But no one we love is perfect. The internet is such a dirty little easy place to go with wild fantasies. No, he has NEVER indicated he is into such stuff. and I have quizzed him alot, especially lately since I saw the profile. He actually acts more conservative than I do! It may be that he is trying to be the person he thinks I want him to be...to clarify, he has not paid for the service, at least not yet, so he can't respond to emails, just get them. On the one hand he does this, on the other, yesterday on his day off he ran tons of errands, did MY laundry and folded it all, bought groceries, made me
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-30-2008 - 5:03pm

There are men out there who treat their wives like gold--except for the fact that they cheat on them regularly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Tue, 12-30-2008 - 7:11pm

So, is it okay to

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 12-30-2008 - 7:59pm

<< There are men out there who treat their wives like gold--except for the fact that they cheat on them regularly.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-30-2008 - 8:17pm

Yes, that can happen but I was thinking more of guys who just ALWAYS act like that to their wives...and yet have a secret life with either a mistress or a series of them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2008
Tue, 12-30-2008 - 9:47pm

I'm floating around on the boards b/c I'm struggling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008
Wed, 12-31-2008 - 11:19am
Thanks for the input. Yes, if someone else submitted a scenario like I did, I'd say the exact same thing to her. Be cautious, there are big warning signs... I really grilled him last nite about us getting married, talked more about his playboy past, and said, are you sure you want to get married? Maybe you don't have all the player out of you yet...long discussion. He said, no, I don't want that any more. It's empty, superficial...hmmm...I will talk to him more once I can figure out a way to talk about ALT.com without revealing how I found out. And I'm making him come clean about ALL his past relationships and flings and one night stands...amazingly, he's telling me everything I want to know about his past...but that will take a while...one of these conversations I'm going to hit him with internet cheating...I know some of you would just throw him out at this point, but I'm more in love with him than anyone I've ever been with, even my ex, so I'm just not willing to throw him out with the garbage at this point.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Wed, 12-31-2008 - 2:17pm
You may not realize this yet but he IS the garbage. And you're only with him because you love him more than your ex... I hope that is enough. Wishing everything works out well for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Wed, 12-31-2008 - 10:57pm

The one thing I see in your posts is the lack of confidence in yourself to stand up to this situation.


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