numb..found fiance on ALT.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008
numb..found fiance on ALT.com
37
Sat, 12-27-2008 - 8:46pm
I really need opinions from the expert and men. My fiance and I have dated 3 years and they have been great except for a few glitches I will mention. 9 months into our relationship I found out he had a secret Myspace with past girlfriends and I was unhappy about this. He only deleted it after I asked him if it would be alright if I had a MS full of men I had slept with. It's so juvenile..he's 40. anyway, I thought all that was in the distant past. 6 months ago we became engaged. In the last 3 months I've noted suspicious behavior again...minimizing pages when I come up, and deleting the browser history....but he always tells me he's hurt that I don't completely trust him, so I ignored it. Anyway, just before Christmas I guess he got distracted and on the browser history was a login to his profile on ALT.com. I can't believe it. He has always told me he's so not into that kind of stuff when I quiz him. Even when I just talk a bit racy to him, he says "since when did this conversation turn into porn?" We sometimes watch movies to spice things up so I am definitely not a prude. He admits he was a playboy before he met me, and when ever I ask him if he ever has a hard time with monogomy, he adamantly denies such. I can't believe what he said on the site...
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Thu, 01-01-2009 - 4:32pm

The thing about these websites is that they are addictive to people who need their ego stroked. They start investing more time and energy and thought into their on line "friends" than they do their real life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Thu, 01-01-2009 - 5:32pm

I wanted to add.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2009
Fri, 01-02-2009 - 12:11am

Oh, honey this sounds like my husband will now my ex-husband. His behavior was exactly the same. He did not want me to talk to him in imitate details (said it sounds like a whore talking) He also spent alot of money on porn sites. Ok I thought the same as you, cyber cheating does not mean real cheating, until he started email and having secret phone calls. I know because I found his private email and read some of them (I know this is bad but I glad I did) In his email he always said his wife don't mind, well I did and I spoke to him about this. Like you he said it was nothing. Well nothing has turn into an elephant in the room that

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008
Fri, 01-02-2009 - 2:40am
thank you for the very thoughtful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008
Fri, 01-02-2009 - 11:14am
You misunderstood me. I'm not with him only because I love him more than my ex. What I meant was, I have never loved anyone as much, not even someone I had been with 20 years
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Fri, 01-02-2009 - 11:46am
But the fact is you're with him because of FEELINGS... In spite of his actions, which should be pretty important!
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-02-2009 - 2:40pm

This is a heartbreaking situation. I am very sorry you have to go through it, but thank God you did find this before you got married. This is not normal flirty male behavior. Do not minimize it. It's based on lies to you, lies to others, and acting out of fantasy. This kind of behavior is totally inappropriate when one is engaged to be married. You say he was a playboy in the past, and often before marriage and committment, old patterns come up strongly. You have a right to certainly question whether this guy would be able to be faithful to you. His behavior since you've known him shows that he has issues about being monogomous - even if he hasn't slept with these women, he is acting out his fantasies. Not good. He may, as well, have an addiction to this kind of situation, to fantasy, porn, or romantic relationships. These addictions are common and not so easy to cut off.


I strongly urge you to seek a professional therapist to work on this with. I am sure there are many painful feelings and shock you are going through. You need time to sort everything out and realize what you are into and what the repercussions could be for your future.


I wish you the very best,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2005
Fri, 01-02-2009 - 2:48pm

<<He also indicated that having sex outside of a relationship is cheating, but flirting around is not>>


Hi RJ


I just wanted to throw an idea straight in here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008
Fri, 01-02-2009 - 5:53pm
Oh I so agree with you. I am a very patient person and can wait a long time to have the last word on this. Bottom line, I love him very much, and I did go on the "relationship saver" board, because I don't want to discard him despite everything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Fri, 01-02-2009 - 8:32pm

No wonder he's saying what you want to hear and doing some good deeds routinely, you're his SUGARMOMMA!!!

Don't be fooled!