Objective opinions needed!!!
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Objective opinions needed!!!
| Fri, 08-13-2004 - 1:53am |
My husband and I have been married for 14 years and we have an eight year old son. He is 50 and I'm 39 years old.
Our marriage is heading south and I wonder what others would think of our situation if they knew. So... here I am.
He is a good father, hard worker, very involved in civic activities, and has many hobbies, such as scuba diving, catering, etc. The problem is he doesn't have any time for me. Or should I say he doesn't make any time for me. We haven't been intimate in six months or more (the longest was a whole year). We're both in good health. We rarely touch, just a peck on the lips to say goodbye in the mornings and hello in the evenings. I have talked with him about needing to reconnect but nothing ever changes. He denies that there's another woman. He says he's never cheated and isn't interested in any other woman. He does surf the internet and visit porn sites though. I've caught him red handed several times. He says he won't do it anymore.
All of our friends think we have the perfect marriage. I guess we're both pretty good actors.
I've told him several times that I can't continue the way we are. If I stay in this marriage, I'll end up cheating and feeling horrible about it.
What should I do? We've discussed the problem many times over the past 3-4 years but nothing ever changes.
I've stopped trying to initiate sex because he either says he's too tired or he pushes me away.
Help!
Our marriage is heading south and I wonder what others would think of our situation if they knew. So... here I am.
He is a good father, hard worker, very involved in civic activities, and has many hobbies, such as scuba diving, catering, etc. The problem is he doesn't have any time for me. Or should I say he doesn't make any time for me. We haven't been intimate in six months or more (the longest was a whole year). We're both in good health. We rarely touch, just a peck on the lips to say goodbye in the mornings and hello in the evenings. I have talked with him about needing to reconnect but nothing ever changes. He denies that there's another woman. He says he's never cheated and isn't interested in any other woman. He does surf the internet and visit porn sites though. I've caught him red handed several times. He says he won't do it anymore.
All of our friends think we have the perfect marriage. I guess we're both pretty good actors.
I've told him several times that I can't continue the way we are. If I stay in this marriage, I'll end up cheating and feeling horrible about it.
What should I do? We've discussed the problem many times over the past 3-4 years but nothing ever changes.
I've stopped trying to initiate sex because he either says he's too tired or he pushes me away.
Help!

After all of this time, you two have fallen into a ritual....Things tend to become a habit and you forget why you even got togerther in the first place. I would suggest marriage counsleing, if you are both up to it.
Marriage requires constant work, it isnt something that just is...So, If he is finding time to scuba dive, cater and everything else, than he can just as easily make time for his marriage. Unfortunaltey, if thats not something that he relaizes quickley, you wont be there.
best wishes,
Your post gave Pianoguy an immediate flashback....the same thing occurred during his first marriage...and that one lasted close to 16 years! The difference was...the wife was not interested in sex, intimacy, or even a hug or kiss. Frustrating...you bet! But the issue was "staying together for the benefit of the kids"---which was very foolish!
Children aren't particularly thrilled to see their parents when they're unhappy!
From the sound of your situation, you're living as a 'brother and sister' under the same roof. Maybe you're just bored with each other? Visiting porn sites is probably your husband's way of expressing his sexual frustration? Could be some sort of displeasure with you? Or himself? Maybe it's something physical? Maybe mid-life crisis?
Keep in mind one thing...
What others perceive about you means nothing. They AREN'T living with you nor does an 'outside appearance' give an honest reflection of the way things actually are 'behind closed doors!'
Perhaps...after 4 years, a little marital counselling might help the 2 of you? One thing for certain...your respective sex-lives and preferences are in need of a 'reality check!'
Hopefully you both will work together to find one?
Best wishes and warm thoughts from..
Pianoguy
How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together: Breakthrough Strategies to Resolve Your Conflicts and Reignite Your Love by Sue Ellen Page
Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw
A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman
His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr
Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix
Carrie