Obnoxious men ??

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Obnoxious men ??
7
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 4:03pm
My son (16) has a female friend (17) that comes over a good bit. Shes the girlfriend of his cousin and they hang alot. She is a breasty girl that wheres string tanks and low cut shirts. (her age stuff), but being thats she big busted, they are right up there!

My BF is obnoxious everytime she comes to the house. Hes always saying something about her chest in front of her and friends. Or its something nasty. She thinks its funny cause shes used to guys picking on her. Call me jealous, but im sick of hearing the same thing over and over everytime she comes over. I had asked him before to please tone it down a little, the pickings fine, but why does it have to be nasty. Well, last night was enough. He kept making comments about it being cold outside and she didnt have much on. Then she was sitting beside him and they were carring on and he said something about dont lean over too far they might fall out. I looked at him and said thats enough! Well, she looked at me and I just said, hit him or i will. After they left, I told him - i had asked him before to knock it off and he didnt have to act like a pervert. He got all mad at me and said i was making a big deal. he gets bent when the guys he works with makes comments about me! Hes a forty year old man making comments about a 17 year old girl.

what really makes me mad is that my 17 DD is big chested and all he does is yell at her for wearing clothes like that. I understand being teens and dressing the way they do, but i dont feel he needs to be saying stuff like that out loud.

Am I wrong to be upset! How can i make him stop!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 4:24pm
No you are not wrong. His behavior is inappropriate. If he was concerned about her as if she was his daughter, he would approach it differently, it would come from a place of being loving with concern for her well-being. He's teaching her that men are nasty, will make nasty, rude, inappropriate comments and she should expect it for the rest of her life. She thinks it's funny because she in part she likes the attention, even if it's inappropriate/nasty. Why, because young girls her age need role models that continue to give love and affection to maintain their self-esteem so they don't hop into bed with the first guy that gives them attention, because older adult males tend to treat them differently when they 'develop'.

His comments may be due to him feeling uncomfortable around her, affected by her bust, and being uncomfortable he's being nasty to her to cover his embarassment over what he's feeling. My sister has three kids, once she made a comment about something and her oldest son said, very directly, but not nasty, 'mom, why does every comment you make have to be sexual?' That shut her up. She looked at her words and actions and pinpointed why she 'reacted' the way she does in certain situations. It was real eye-opening.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 4:25pm
No, you are NOT wrong for being upset, I would be just as upset as you or even more. That behaviour is perverted, obnoxoius and just down right degrading. It is degrading to the young girl and it is also degrading to you! It can't make you feel very good when he's constantly making comments about a young girl and joking around with her. Some people would consider that flirting even.

The only way you are going to make him stop is by putting your foot down and saying enough is enough. Make him see it through your eyes. What if a really good looking, buff man with a big 'package' was over and you were making comments about it and saying 'oh wow, i bet you could do a lot with those muscles'...explain that to him and see what his response is. He might just realize how it makes you feel.

Also ask him how he would feel if your daughter who you said is big chested, was over at a friends house and the father of the friend was sitting beside her and making comments about her chest? I imagine your boyfriend would have a few choice words for that father....

Hope this helps
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 5:53pm
No, you're not wrong to be upset. Would you answer a question for me? Is this girl the only female he does this to? I mean does he ogle women or girls who are dressed provocatively when you are out in public, or make similar comments about any other female?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 9:22am
First of all I want to thank all who give me some advise and stand up for what I felt was just WRONG! He works with and have friends that are just as outspoken -of course he works with a bunch of loosers, they are all into women/porn and ignorant stuff. He's never acted that way in front of me that was that bad he needed someone to tell him to stop! I can handle some kidding around but, he was way out of line.

I went home last night and asked for an apology because not only did he disrespect her (even tho she enjoyed it and didnt find anything wrong with it) he disrespected me. He didnt think he needed to do that because "he grew up in a way that you were told people just dont dress like that" "he was only trying to teach her a lesson that she shouldnt dress like that" BS,etc. well, so did everybody else and I went on to tell him that some people just dont get it and leave it alone. I told him he was inmature that he couldnt be around another women that, yes might not be appropriatly dressed but, youll run into that all your life. GROW UP. But he didnt need to be on the subject the full 3 hours and the other times she was there. After all, who was the one (hes been in and out of relationships all his life) that hung at bars/strip clubs, looked at playboy/porn magazines and that didnt seem to be a problem!!

I told him it was JUST WRONG the way he acted and until i get a sincere apology, i dont want to speak to him - I left the house and went for a walk - long walk, it was about 1 1/2 hours long. Along the way i was talking to God and I kept picking up field flowers along the way (dont know why) but finally i was on my stretch home and here he come to find me. We discussed, he apologized and told me he would lay off from now on. I gave him the flowers and said "here, God made me pick them, you need to ask him what for, but im giving them to you - its a sorry bouquet - sorry you have to be the way you are!!LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 3:04pm
There are a lot of men who separate women into two basic categories, from which comes the Madonna/Whore syndrome. You and your daughter are in the Madonna category, which is why your DH objects when other men leer at you or make comments, and why he won't allow your daughter to dress like your son's friend. He feels justified regarding his past forays to strip clubs, porn, and his current comments and behavior towards women in the Whore category. It's likely that he feels lust for the women in the Whore category while at the same time disrespecting them. It's a double standard, and it sounds like it's deeply ingrained in him. You are right that he is also disrespecting you when he behaves like that in your presence, and I think that his understanding of that will motivate him to stop. He doesn't believe in disrespecting the Madonnas, only the Whores.

There is something else I wanted to mention. Others may disagree with me, but my opinion is this: You have a right to set mimimum standards for guest's attire in your own home. You have a right to bar entry to those whose attire you find offensive - like a t-shirt with a racial slur emblazoned across the front of it, for example. Parents hosting a wedding would be perfectly justified in being outraged if a guest showed up in a wedding dress at their daughter's wedding and asking her to leave. Churches have a right to ban bikinis at services. Schools have a right to ban extremely provocative dress for the simple reason that it's distracting to both boys and girls who are in school to get an education (that's why so many schools are going the uniform route). It's the same kind of thing with this girl's attire in your home.

If both you and your husband find this girl's attire offensive, then you don't have to tolerate it in your home. It sounds like YOU are somewhat tolerant of it, but if it's a catalyst for strife in your marriage you should stop it. That girl's delight in the attention it brings her is sad, but she does need to learn the difference between when it's okay to express herself that way and when it's not. The thing is that both you AND your husband have to set the rules for this in your home, and stand together in enforcing it. Both of you would have to tell her she is not welcome to visit when dressed like that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 10:46pm
no you are not wrong to feel disrespected.that young lady need to act like one.that is very disrespectful for her to come in your home under dressed like that.and your husband should know better,he's not a child to be playing with her like that.i would'nt be suprised if you write back telling us he had an affair with this young girl.put a stop to this while you are ahead.if your husband dont,talk with your son, if he dont you get this girl straight.you are the woman of your house right?so handle that or it will handle you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 2:16am
chiming in late here -but i agree that his behavior is extremely inappropriate. i hope that his apology is a 'real' apology - as in "i understand that what i did was wrong, and i will make amends to fix things' and not as in 'i am sorry that you got so mad at me that you left the house so i will apologize and make up until the next time this happens'....