Obsessive and Controlling

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2007
Obsessive and Controlling
3
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 10:37am
I suppose you hear many questions about “my partner is obsessive and controlling” But this is quite the opposite. I’m the one who is obsessive and controlling in my relationship, and I just recently came to grips with this. I see that I am causing a downward spiral in my marriage.
We’ve been married for six years and I wasn’t this way in the beginning, I think it was about two years into our marriage. One day I went on line, and ignored my husbands IMer, that just signed on itself. I minimized it and forgot about it. Some girl began messaging me looking for cyber sex. I thought it was just one of those people looking to get some one to pay to see a video, so I ignored it. But then she said, “Why won’t you talk to me sweetheart, did I do something wrong…. I’ve missed you.” So I wrote back to her “What are you talking about, I don’t even know who you are” She said “check your history” So I did… I found that my husband had been talking to dozens of girls. Things that he should have never ever had said to other girls, things that made me sick. I confronted him on this, we argued, we got through it, Time passed. Everything has been fine, he hasn’t been talking to anyone on line and our relationship was great. But then two months ago he found his ex-girlfriend on myspace, and began talking to her! I flipped, because when my ex-boyfriend tried to contact me a few years back he flipped, he told me that my ex would only be looking for one thing, and its not friendship. So how am I suppose to feel about my husband looking for his ex. I confronted him with this. He said he’s grown since then, and he doesn’t want to let Jealousy run his life.
Well in any case, He stopped talking to her, but I just can’t trust him like I use to. I get jealous of everything he does… it hurts when I’m not around him. I always think the worst now. And it’s driving me nuts. I’ve become obsessive and controlling to the point where I don’t even like myself. I get so wrapped up in the “what if I were to give him an inch? He’d take a yard”. I always need to know what he’s doing, where and when. I feel such a love for him that it’s verging on obsession. If I want affection and he’s busy, or tiered my head begins to think terrible thoughts. I know I need to fix this, I just don’t know how. How do I fix this?
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 12:03pm

People cheat (and cyber cheating IS a betrayal of your vows, IMO) because they want to. Their values and morals (or lack thereof) allow them to justify their bad behavior. Therefore, he did NOT go looking online for women because of anything YOU did and he can blame problems in the marriage, but the bottom line is that for whatever reason, he did it. You don't say what his 'excuse' was or how you got past it, so I'm making some general assumptions here.

What active steps has he taken to CHANGE his values and morals that allowed him to betray you in this way in the first place? What has he done to prove himself trustworthy now? How has he earned back your trust? And in what ways has he "grown" that it's ok for him to seek out an old girlfriend? Did he do this with your complete knowledge? Or did he do it behind your back?

I think you both need counseling together to get past the initial betrayal of his cybering and breaking your trust in the first place. Otherwise, you don't know HOW to trust him again. Nor should you, IMO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 12:29pm
The two of you need to fix this together. Seek marriage counseling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 1:13pm
fix this by starting over. counseling will help you see it for what it is.