oh please help me..i'm so confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
oh please help me..i'm so confused
18
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 11:27am
Ok here's some history.

I have been married to hubby for 6yrs and together almost 8. We have 3 children all under the age of 5.

The first 6-7yrs of our marriage were horrible..dh has a problem w/ anxiety and he lied to me constantly and made me feel so unloved and unwelcome in my own home. But then the fall before last he got help, he got better, he got managable..we still clash-but it's b/c we're SO different in personality.

Now during that time dh was going through his breakdown and rebuild--i found out i was pregnant..so that of course put a whoel new spin on our marriage repairs.

Baby is now 9mths old and i feel like i'm not in love anymore. I don't even want to kiss him anymore--it's like he's just a great friend.

He's very loving and is great w/ the kids--he really is a great guy. I just don't think I want to be married to him..i think the damage from those 6yrs was too great.

But how..how can i do this to a great guy and to my 3 little boys?

OH please help me!

I have scheduled a talk w/ my therapist..but can't get in till the 25th unless she has a cancellation.

I don't know what to do..i feel like i have nobody i can talk to.

  

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 12:20pm
ok i need to explain..i know that love is a verb not a feeling..so i need to figure out exacly what the problem is..bear w/ me as i'm writing it as i think it.

I have little to no sexual attraction to him..we are compatible under the sheets..but when it comes to kissing, holding, hugging--i don't want to..i feel like i'm kissing a friend.

I don't want to share my life events with him..i rarely tell him anything..i don't confide in him-i don't trust him that way b/c of our past.

I"m tired of working on our marriage..for SO many years it was me doing all the work..then he started working on it as well-it's kind of at a plateau right now and i'm TIRED..i'm tired of it being so much work..i know mariage is work..but it seems we do alot more than any other married couple.

I've been w/ him since i was 16..he and i got together at a very low point in my life and then we had trouble together for so long..i'm 24now and i just want to experience life..i know..it' too late--husband and 3 kids. But i really just want to stretch out and live my own life.

I'm not dismissing having kids nor am i wanting to leave them behind..i know being a single mom will be a TON of work with little time for "me"..but i'd be doing it on my own..i'd be independant. I've never been independant.

I called a marriage counsellor, but she's not even in the office till monday. My mom is a social worker and counsells families w/ special needs--and knows our history..so we're going to get together and talk..i just hope she can help. She says she sees chemistry between us..i know we have it..i just don't know that it's enough.

  

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 12:45pm
Just an observation....you got into a relationship, and stayed in one where there was conflict, chaos, turmoil, unrest and anxiety for so long....I''m not sure but that you're not "addicted to chaos, anxiety, unrest, and insecurity".

And now that he's who he is...you can't argue or blame or justify or rationalize chaos - becuase now there ins't any. It's just becuase there isn't - you don't know how to deal with it, him, life in general or yourself.

So what you're proposing....really ocnsider this...you want out of this relationship. Now....can you tell me what you envision your life will be like if you were to leave...give me a 6 month projection, 1 year and 2 years...where do you think you'll be, what'll you be doing, what will your life be like in those timeframes if you leave?

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 12:54pm
IF on my own..in 6mths i will be working full time, i will have 2 of my 3 kids in part time school, i will be continuing counselling both personal and possibly marital. I will be adjusting myself and my kids to life with one parent in a house and I will be trying to maintain a good relationship w/ my dh for the sake of the kids.

in 1yr I think we'll know which way we're going..whether we're staying apart or reconnecting. I will hopefully be working towards my goal of being a social worker and maybe in a smaller house.

in 2yrs..i'm not sure..just continuing on and getting myself to a good place.

  

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 1:43pm
Well, the reason I asked is becuase quite often picture a much rosier picture than is realistic to get when "leaving all this strife and negativity".

I've been where you are....I was the person in restructure....and actually, my restructure and subsequent emphasis on value oriented living, goal focus vs. emotional reaction - drive him quite literally over the brink and into the drink, where I once had been.

So, I've been around your block, on both sides of the fence. Something that helps is to realize - no matter where you go there you are. and also, feelings are not facts, goals, or calls to action. They're not used to determine what to do in situations. Feelings are a result of situations. Becuase of how you get feelings - by change ins ituations - realize your life is never going to be devoid of feelings. Because the only thing you can count on in life is "change" and quite often change over which you have absolutely no input or control. So the approach of "my feelings dictate my actions....really mean that your feelings are "goals to be reached" - that'll have you branching out into anything that offers you comfort, respite, or instant gratification - which is extremely long-term destructive. i just wanted to point that out - I'm not saying you're doing this, or he is. It's just that people that are "feelings oriented" are often using feelings as facts, goals or calls to action at times, or to some extent at all times - and that approach will land you in a disasterous situation.

Since "no matter where you go, there you are" - the reality that isgoing to follow is that "you're the common denominator in your life". It's easy to get swept up in situations or circumstances or feelings of the moment and review them in a vacuum...without ever seeing the pattern, or realizing you're at the helm of the ship that continues to head into these destructive seas.

Basically, what i hear you saying is this.....you'll get a job and work every day, do laundry, pay bills, parent your children, try your best to have an objective, rational, and emotionally balanced relationship with him - whether he pays his support, or whether he parents the children or visits them per YOUR standards....remember, waht you are saying now is that you two don't share values, goals, standards, and priorities - that is what you're discovering NOW is the key ingredient in your differences. Before you thought if he'd just grow up, or act right, or something along those lines he'd be what you were sure he wanted to be - which is what you thought he should be, because that you meet your needs, wants, standards, and goals. You're now finding that he's a stable, mature, objective, rational and successful person by your own admission - but you two just don't share interests, priorities, goals, standards, or values...so you two can't get along. It's not that you think he's bad or wrong - he's just not right foryou. And he considers you along the same line.

So you're really saying that you're going to structure your life around duty, obligation, and responsibility. Because that is what having a job, living daily life in terms of chores and rquirements, and parenting children is. That you're not seeking to become more self-aware, self-responsible, self-accepting, and self-understnading - so that you become a complete person with a full line of interests and goals of a personal nature, a professional nature, a social, spiritual, and familial nature. That you're going to content yourself with procuring a better financial and professional situation to ensure that you live up to your obligations.

I believe that approach is going to do you in...in fact, I know it will. The chinese proverb of "I dreamed my life was joy, I awoke and found duty and obligation but found joy within the obligation" is osmething to aspire to. Realize that you won't have fun, enjoyment, satisfaction, success, security, happiness, or serenity until you define what that is in terms of needs you meet on your own.....it's not situations, relationships, possessions or status.

What got you with him, I suspect, isthe impression that without someone in your life - your life would be barren of any fun, enjoyment, personal satisfaction, or success - that you'd be condemned to a life of drudgery, work, toil, and effort to be "alone" unloved, unappreciated, unwanted, untouched, and unacceptable. So, you got with him.

I suspect all the fun, excitement, spontenaety, and "differences' were great at first, and what has made that undesirable was more obligation, requirement, duty and expectation as you've matured, created babies, incurred debt, etc. etc. You felt like his parent...and he wouldn't grow up.

Now he has.....and you two don't share vlaues, priorities, goals, and standards. IF that's true..it's because all along YOU had values, priorities, goals and standards and were always living up to them and within them and his lack of identity, value oriented living and goal focus made you less successful, secure and happy than you would have been with a mature, secure, self-aware partner. HE became self-aware - buthe didn't mature into the type of person that appeals to you, and you know that based on his now value oriented living and standards...that don't meet your needs, because they're not a shared set of values and standards and priorities.

So, you condemning yourself to a life of all work and no play...is going to end in you finding another spontaneous, and perhaps immature and responsible partner when you can't take any more of this "single life as a single parent" that ofers you nothing but work, obligation, duty, responsibility, requirement, sacrifice and effort.

Admittedly, you can't juggle lots of balls at once successfully. and in creating a life for yourslef and your kids - it is like llearning to juggle. First, get a job -do it now, what are you waiting for. Since situation change creates a feelings adjustment - get out there and get productive and more secure as an independent person -you might view him a little differently. And besides, you need to adjust to it while you've got some security net of his assistance on a daily basis and providership.

So, get a job, leave if the situation is such that you're still believing that is the right thing to do (which is vasstly different than it would feel so good to do), and pay your bills. Live on your own with your children. Handle the daily tasks and responsibiliities and obligations. Require yourself to conduct yourself at all times by values, standards, priorities and within boundaries - while working towards your goals in life. A relationship isn't a goal- FYI.

Very practically speaking, it is quite possible that you'll never have another long-term relationship. So you MIGHT have quite an adjustment to make in your attitude and perception of self, of sex, and of quite a few adult venues....in order to make a complete, secure, successful, happy life on your own....rather than just settle for someone after a year or two of drudgery on your own.

So, you're now gainfully employed and working towards promotions, paying your bills, and living byy values and working towards goals....it's now time to add another "role' to your life besides mother, daughter, and ex-wife.....you need to become complete as a person - learn to meet your own needs (not sexually per se), and learn what you needs are in life that meet the fundamental questions and fears that you have about life and you living it successfully. YOu need to find interests and pursuits that you'll hold for a lifetime, because of passionate interest in self-actualization while also giving to others with your efforts and abilities.

Ater you've added that in - you'l lhave a really full life and your situation will be about 3-5 years down the road. You'll be more professional secure, more financially secure, more personally aware and accepting, you'll be living a great life in all the aspects and venues there are. YOu'll have learned that happiness, success, and security isn't defined by a situation or relationship - and you'll realize that you're responsible for maintaining those status quos at all times in your life - no matter what.

You'llh ave realized that those that you affiliate with in any serious way need to SHARE your values, priorities, sstandards, and boundaries - as evidenced in their own life that you'll review in great detail and depth and over extensive time before allowing yourself to become "involved" with him outside of external and superficial ways. You won't allow yourself to compromise the greatness of your life with substandard affiliations.

The process you're wanting to undergo is self-actualization. A mate is not a "completion" of you, it's not your better or other half. A mate is somenoe who shares your interests, values, and standrds - so that the great individuals that you are have greater options, opportunities, horizons and futures - as a result of coming together, because you already walk parallel paths. Great relationships are based in equality - nobody parents one another, nobody supervises one another, nobody controls or manipulates one another.

Those great relationships are founded in the honest knowledge and acceptance that you admire, trust, respect, accept, understand, and desire this other person for who they are at the core - not what they offer to you in your life that you're in despserate need of at the time.

So, what thoughts have you got after all this? On a side note, I wuld NOT have your mother in involved in the role of an objective 3rd party assessor and advisor. She's notobjective, she's not a 3rd party - and to be assessed and advised by someone who's obviously on your side - is NOT going to do your overall relationship any good whatsoever.

If you remain together, realize you'll have ttalked to your mother about your sex life in intimiate detail, you'll have talked about your fears, frustratations, and resentments regarding him - if she really is objective - she'll have told you that your feelings are your responsibliity and you've perpetuated a great deal o fyour own negative feelings byinvolvement inappropriately trying to manipulate and control sitautions becuase of a lack of admiration and respect for him...and she'd tell him the same.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 2:04pm
Reading material:

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr

Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix

The 10 Second Kiss, Ellen Kreidman

The last book says something about people fall in love and stay in love, not because of how they feel about the other person, but how they feel about themselves while with the other person.

Counseling is worth a try. The Getting the Love You Want book has some good ideas. Relationship Rescue is one you would read and do the exercises with your husband.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 2:32pm
In the past 2-3yrs i have done alot of growing as a person. I sought counselling to deal with all my demons from chldhood and with my marriage. I have taken care of all that..and continue to. I have gone back to school and completed my h.s. eduation and started university. I have set career goals and I have even started my own business(but it could not support me and the kids souly). I have cemented my goals and aspirations for life and know what m yvalues are.

And they are competely different from my husbands--right down to where we want to live eventually.

I've always thought that our differences were a good thing, how we stay together b/c it keeps us on our toes--now i think it's driving us apart.

I have alot to do outside my marriage..i'm very active in the community ,even chairing a nonprofit group. I have a great circle of supportive friends and get along well with alot of people.

I'm going to talk to him tonite, he has to know how i'm feeling, i'm going to sit him down and tell him my thoughts an fears.

  

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 2:34pm
"love not b/c of how you feel for the person, but how you feel when you're with them"

i feel stupid and i feel small and i feel like i don't make good decisions and i don't have good opinons and i can't do anyting right and i'm not a good wife and mother.

  

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 2:40pm
You can change how you feel.... you can work on you. Build your self-esteem, seek counseling. You can become self-aware and be who and what you want to be.

Reading material to consider:

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse

How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon

The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen

The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz

Self Matters, Phil McGraw

You can do it.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 2:47pm
See but when i'm everywhere else or with anyone else i have great self esteem..i KNOW i'm smart, i KNOW i'm a good mom, i KNOW i'm a good person.

But he gets home and he talks to me and he says the things he says and i just feel like crap--and he's not even trying, it's just him, his personality.

I'm going to talk to him tonite, see where he's at and let him know where i am.

  

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 3:13pm
Ask him to go to counseling with you.


Carrie

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