Old-fashioned ideas

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Old-fashioned ideas
7
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 3:43pm
I am an African American woman and my boyfriend is Korean. He has been in America for 20 years, but is still very traditional. I have tried to learn as much as I can about his culture. I have been told that in his culture mixing nationalities is very much frowned upon. This to me is unheard of, as I believe in loving who makes you happy. He hasn't told his family about me yet, and though I don't want to pressure him, I don't want our relationship to be kept secret from his family. My fear is that they may have a problem with our relationship. People stare at us when we're out together as if our being together is taboo. Again, this puzzles me as this is 2004. I want him to tell his family so that we can have a decent relationship, but he avoids the subject. He tells me that he will tell them in time. Should I be patient with him or let him go?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 5:24pm
Be patient with him. He know's his family the best. And he will have to deal with the issue's they bring up to him. Anyway, if you two really love each other than there's really nothing they can say that will remove you from his heart. And if he take's another 6 month's to tell them, then that's 6 more month's of love that has been able to build up in his heart. If he's worth it, I would wait.

Good luck

And don't worry so much about those look's. Your a blessed person if you have been able to find an honest, loyal, kind and loving man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 5:27pm
How long have you been dating?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 9:21pm

My boyfriend is Korean too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 7:10pm
I think that meeting and getting to know a guy's parents is crucial to understanding where he comes from. Like it or not, a lot of what we are comes from our parents. Your BF learned how to treat women from his father. If I were you, I'd be uncomfortable with the huge gap in knowledge this situation creates. Definitely do NOT make a committment or get too serious without meeting and getting to know them a bit.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 11:01pm
I totally agree.

I didn't even meet my husband's parents until *after* we were married, and I can honestly say that I wish I knew who they were before I married him. Not saying that I wouldn't still marry him, but most of the problems in our marriage stem from in-law problems, and I had no idea that it could effect us so much. His parents are very traditional, they think you have to follow tradition no matter what because it's a sign of respect, and if you don't follow what they want, you are disrespecting them. I think, actually I know, that it's harder for my husband than it is for me because he is in the middle sometimes, but we can't change them and sometimes it's very miserable. I don't even have a relationship with them anymore, and he hardly ever sees them because of this (something that hurts him too.)

It's very important to know who his parents are and what kind of life you would have if you ever decided to get real serious or married to this man. It's one thing for his parents to be traditional, but it's a totally different thing if he is scared to rock their boat or scared to stand up for his feelings and his heart. I am telling you that a situation like that is hell, it will create lots of hurt and problems, and it's only fair that you know what you are going up against before you decide to get real serious.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 12:50pm
Thanks, Andrea,

Your advice helped alot. I am just learning the cultural stuff, so I spend alot of time in the dark. His father passed away when he was young, but his mother is 85 years old, still living in Korea. Yesterday I was at his house looking at his family photo album with him and his oldest daughter and son walked in. I had a look of panic on my face because it was like we were "busted", but he looked at me and said "no, it's ok". The daughter smiled at me and gave me a very sweet hello. His son ran right past me looking for Kimchi. I guess he was hungry. Typical 17 year old, I suppose. Anyway, though I'm sure if the relationship progresses that it'll be awhile before we all "hang out", I do feel like I'm easing into it slowly. From what he's told me, his children really want to see him settled in a relationship because he's been alone for the last 10 years since the divorce. So hopefully everything will go well. I can only take it one day at a time, I guess.

If you have any other suggestions, PLEASE feel free to tell me. The basics of your situaion are just like mine.

Thanks Again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 2:32pm

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