Old problems arise again!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Old problems arise again!!!
8
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 1:55pm
Well I`m confused again with my boyfriends attitude, we are both living together again after a split of six months. Everything was great, if not better than ever then BANG! like a bolt from the blue he turned into a zombie again. He works 12 hour shifts 4 days on 4 days off, so I know this can mess with your sleep etc, however he`s gone off sex, moved into spare room, won`t do anything, stays in bed ALL day, ignores me just want`s to be left alone all the time, tonight for example he just went to work without saying goodbye, he wont eat proberly he`s becoming more withthrawn each day, this happened before which is why he left because I got so frustrated because he wont give me a proper reason, after we split he was ok with me, now he`s depressed again. I`m not sure what the best thing to do is as I don`t want to lose him again, should I just ignore it give him space, as talking just develops into an aurgument.

Jofazer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2004
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 2:24pm
Your boyfriend needs medical help. He sounds like he is suffering from depression. This is an illness that will not always go away on its own. He needs to see a therapist to see if medication would help or just therapy. I encourage you to help him get the help that he needs. He won't be able to fulfill your needs until he takes care of himself. I hope you will be able to stick by him and get him the help he needs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 8:02pm
Kloe,

I think you might be right, thing is he will not admit he has a problem, and it only occurs occasionally, I agree he needs help but how do you get some one you love very much to see a therapist etc? I can`t see him going for it without a fight.HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 7:10am
I totally agree with the previous post, your boyfriend (or was it husband?) needs medical help. This is classical depression; including denial. My brother-in-law is going through exactly these problems. He does not communicate, cannot hold a job, stays in bed, and denies he has a problem. You need to get on top of this problem immediately and be forceful in pointing out the problem to him. Beware, this may not work. My brother-in-law is still in denial, is losing his house and is close to losing his marriage. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 8:28am
I have suffered from depression most of my life and it seems as though that is what is going on with your Boyfriend. I suffer extreme highs and lows and when I hit the lows they are similar to what your boyfriend is doing. This may have nothing to do with you. Maybe you should talk to him about counseling. Whatever you do try not to take it personally until you find out exactly what is going on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 8:40am

its hard for many people to admit that they have problems and need to see a doctor, psychiatrist, therapist, amd that they may need medication. sometimes people with 'obvious' problems continue to resist because they are afraid that something 'else' is wrong with them, so they go thru life suffering, not being able to function, losing jobs, kids, wives, friends, and still won't get the help that is out there.


how do i know? i was (actually i still am...) married to a guy like that. sometimes he was ok, sometimes not. so when he was in an 'ok' stage - it made me think that the 'not ok' stage was a sometimes thing. but its kinda like a toothache - it usually MEANS something is wrong, and if you don't deal with it at the initial pain, then it gets worse and worse, and the treatment is harder. and it doesn't just GO AWAY, sometimes you can mask the pain, but its still there.


i am sorry to be the bearer of bad news - but if he DOESN"T get help, then this relationship will not work out. i really think its just not possible to have along term relationship with someone who is depressed and won't get help. talk to him - plain and simple. explain to him the 'facts' as you see them, and tell him that you love him and want to help him.


just my 2 cents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 9:22am
I went to the Dr. 2 months ago for depression & anxiety...due to grief & anxiety. My DH has depression symtoms, I thought. However, he told me last wwek-end that he did not love me and he had leased an apartment. He has moved. NOw I do not know if it is depression or another woman. I have not "been there" as much for him the last year, since my 13 yr. old's son passed away and all that he & I have had to deal with. Men usually withdraw for one of two reasons another woman or illness,depression.

Dandelion

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 9:41am
Thanx for everyones advice, things are a bit clearer now. ironicaly when my boyfriend and I split last year it hit me so hard I ended up on anti depressants for three months, I lost my job because I could not focus properly, however it effected me totally differently I found it hard to sleep and needed to talk to a counsellor to help me through, strange how men react so differently, I will try and solve this problem, and treat it as an illness.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 12:05pm

It sounds as though your boyfriend may be in the grip of clinical depression, which can be cyclical - coming and going. He needs to be seen by a doctor, diagnoised and perhaps have medication prescribed. Certainly, therapy would be useful, but he may not be accessible to it at this point. His behavior is evidence of an illness. It is not your fault and there is nothing you can do to make it better. All you can do is to help him realize that he needs help and to get it. Otherwise, this could well becoming a continual pattern in his life. Living with someone like this, who is not getting the help he needs, is not wise, because naturally his illness then affects your entire life as well.


Best wishes.