OMG what happened to us?
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| Wed, 01-16-2008 - 11:57am |
Hi everyone,
This is my first time posting here, I hope I can get some advice. I have been with my DH for two years now, married for 1. In the last month it has been constant fighting! When we argue it's dirty. He goes for the jugular and I get really frustrated! Finally last night, he kept bugging me to talk to him. Tell him what I feel he does wrong so he can fix it. I was honest with him, and for once really gentle. I didn't yell, I sat with him and told him I was hurt by some of the things he has done in the past.
A little back story on us, we each have one child from other marriages. His mother is passive aggressive and my father is verbally abusive. We had planned to have a baby together until he changed his mind. I suggested we buy a house which we did and he seems to resent me for it. My X is out of the picture and he works with his and they talk two or three times a day. I have low tolerance for his XW because she is pushy and he does what she wants whenever she asks. She is the main reason we argue, I feel he chooses her over me quite often and have sighted many examples. He agrees but doesn't care. Really, I'm beginning to see, I don't resent her I resent him for doing what she says.
Anyway, back to last night. At the end of our argument he told me he didn't think that he has what it takes to work things out. He acknowledged that he is a horrible communicator. I acknowledged that I will blow things off until they blow up, in order to avoid the confrontation. The one thing he said that REALLY stood out was when I told him he refuses to compromise, ever, with me. It's black and white, what he says goes or I can leave. He said yes that is how he feels. If he doesn't want to do something why should he? If I want something different than him, it's not his problem. This is true for family, children, bills, really life in general.
I have no idea where to go from here. He will not go to counseling it is totally off the table. I'm at a loss. Am I being blind to the fact that he doesn't want to try and fix things?

I'm sorry to say but the last response is right. When a man tells you what's wrong with him, you have to take him at his word. If he has always been horrible at communication, then you really can't ever expect him to be a good communicator. I don't know how long these issues have been going on but it seems mostly like personality conflicts are the source of your troubles. In which case, this probably is not the man you should have married.
"The one thing he said that REALLY stood out was when I told him he refuses to compromise, ever, with me. It's black and white, what he says goes or I can leave. He said yes that is how he feels."
Then you should leave. No marriage cannot survive without compromise.
Welcome to the board takeabreak2007,
I'm not sure anything 'happened' to you two, but rather you are seeing him for the first time how he really is -
::If he doesn't want to do something why should he? If I want something different than him, it's not his problem.
This guy does not know the first basic rule of relationships - it's not what one person says that goes, it's about "both of you". Unless two individual's needs are met, unless each is respected and cared for, the relationship cannot be healthy, nor can it grow. You are actually being disrespected by him when he maintains this kind of behavior and attitude. It sounds as though he couldn't care less how you feel about him and his wife, and other issues. Also, you say he doesn't want to go for counseling to work it out.
Given these facts, there is nothing more to do. It takes two people to make a relationship work. Right now, you should go to your own personal therapist to get the clarity, courage and support to make new choices in life which will be healthy and uplifting for you.
Best wishes,
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