ONCE A CHEATER, ALWAYS A CHEATER...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
ONCE A CHEATER, ALWAYS A CHEATER...
9
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 1:16am
"ONCE A CHEATER, ALWAYS A CHEATER." Is this saying true? I cheated on my man first. He cheated on me to get even (I slept with the guy only once-- he slept with the girl two different times...) So, does that mean my man is going to cheat again? Does that mean I will, too? No, I don't think so. There is no way I will ever betray my man like that again. But there is a possibility, isn't there?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 1:26am
Cheating is like drugs. Once you allow yourself to do it the temptation is there to try again. The only sure fire way is to not start. Alas, you can only be sure of you. You cannot control anyone else. The sad thing is sex with another is too often used for revenge or to cheer ourselves up and feel wanted. Strangely by doing that you find out that it's now the reason someone does not want you. Like the anti drug saying "just say no!"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 1:38am
What are you saying? Are you saying that my man now doesn't want me-- or the reason he cheated was b/c he wasn't getting the satisfaction/ pleasure he needed? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? Please clarify yourself.

The only reason my man cheated on me was b/c I cheated on him first... he did it to get back at me... but ended up sleeping with the girl twice, not once. I had to get the daggone truth out of him. At first, I didn't ask how many times they've slept together-- he just confessed that he cheated on me with her-- but when I asked him "how many times," he said, "Just once." I didn't believe him, needless to say, so I waited to ask him again. When I did, he responded by saying, "I don't remember." "What do you mean you don't remember?" That's how I got the truth out of him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 1:57am
Every time you ask a question and someone answers you seem to get mad and take it the wrong way. I think what she was saying is what your boyfriend did totally wasn't because you don't satisfy him, I'm sure you do. Like you said and she said, he did it for revenge...twice I guess. I can't say I believe the "once a cheater always a cheater" but you should probably keep your eyes open. I mean I know you did it first, but of course that doesn't mean he has the right to keep doing it. He probably isn't but as with any relationship, you never know. I would just say, if he is acting normal and your sex life is okay, things are probably good. If he's acting weird, lying, going places he doesn't usually go, hanging out with girls, then you might worry. But if he's not doing that stuff I wouldn't worry about it. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 2:26am
You asked what I meant. I mean that there is NO good reason to cheat. If your are unhappy, talk. If you don't trust your partner, leave. Using sex for anything but a way of showing love and bonding to a special someone is just plain self destructive. You have both set a standard of sorts. He used sex for revenge. You used it for another reason. It is not supposed to be used that way. Do you know for sure if the people you both had sex with had been exposed to aids?? It could take up to 10 years for the disease to incubate. There is no cure. Would'nt it be better to either discuss your problems or break up rather then die? Of course most people never think of that kind of thing, they just react and "do it." I'd say the issue here is getting a handle on how you both react to stress. There has to be a better way of handling things. And yes, most people that start off in a cheating senario will do it again in the future when things get rough. Hope I answered your question.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 3:16pm
Yeah, you answered my question. And when I had sex with him, we used protection... I made sure of that! My man said that he used protection with the chic. You really want to know why I cheated? B/c I didn't love him at the time-- he was treating me badly-- calling me names, hitting me, always out with his boys... things have changed. He treats me a little better now. I mean, we still fight-- but his hitting & name calling has gotten better. (He does have a temper!) I know I will never cheat on him again. He said that if he ever wants to cheat on me again, he'll make sure he breaks up with me first & sent me packing home (where my parents live, in South Carolina).
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 2:43am
WHOA!!! He was hitting you? That adds a whole new element. Now I think your really making a huge mistake by going back to him. Without alot of professional help, hitters will do it again as soom as you get them angry. Eventually you don't have to do anything to make them angry, they find made up reasons. You have bigger problems then you thought. Also, protection is no guarantee that you are protected from aids. The virus is in all bodily fluids including spit. The best thing you can do for yourself is slow down with your love life. Tell your boyfriend that you would like to get couples counceling. If he is willing to go then discuss his anger and hitting with the councelor. If he won't go then I would suggest you run the other way before you become a battered woman statistic. Lots of luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 2:24am
Thank you for your advice, mokrie. I will make sure to get tested for HIV sometime this year. I was tested last November & everything was all right. Also, I can't and won't leave this guy-- I love him too much!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 2:47am
Ok, if your going to stay with him, remember that the first time he hits you again leave the house as soon as you can safely leave. Then call the poliece and have it on record. That's the only way to protect yourself. He sounds like a man that really thinks very little of the female race and he can be dangerous. If he hits you get help as it will get worse the second time and maybe hospitalize you the third. Please remember, LOVE IS'NT SUPPOSED TO HURT.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 1:44am
I think I've shared too much. I've really done it this time.