Once the other woman...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2007
Once the other woman...
4
Thu, 11-22-2007 - 1:32pm


always the other woman...?

Hello everybody! I'm a frequent reader, but really shy... Now I am at a crossroad with my relationship and I'd really like some external piece of advice. I'd really appreciate it if you gave me a piece of your mind about this...

Six months a go I met a man with whom I had the most incredible chemestry with. It was definetely love at first sight. I later learned that he had a girlfriend for 4 years (a strange relationship for them only saw each other once a week, on Sundays). We started having a fling, but I knew that I was on my way to falling for him -and so did he. At first we said that the moment we felt that we were having more serious feelings towards eachother we would break the thing off. But the moment came, and we just couldn't.

We spent 2 more months like that, falling more and more in love with each other. I had never accepted being 'the other woman' until I met him. That's how hard I fell for him.

But he was not sure wether to end up the affair with me or end his other relationship. We knew we simply could not continue on like that... He couldn't stand being torned up, I could not stand my jelousy, my wanting to really be with him, to stop being the 'other woman'.

He did have affairs before, but he says that he never even considered leaving his girlfriend for those other women. That now he was so unsure because he was in love with me -and it was a feeling that he had never experienced before. But he hated the idea of hurting his girlfriend that much.

The thing is that, finally, he ended up choosing me. But ever since, things have never been the same.

I understand that there is a huge part of the natural grieving process in him; I would also be devastated in his case. But the thing is that his ex girlfriend is now text messaging him 5 times a day, crying to him, begging him to go back... And it's getting to him. He is now questioning his decition.

But he also says that if he went back to her, he'd regret not being with me.

This has been going on for almost two months now, and I'm begining to lose my cool. I see him so truly miserable, and I can't help but thinking that I'm the reason for that, and it breaks my heart.

I wish I could let him go, say 'Ok, you should go back to her'. But I don't want to let the love of my life go!

Has anyone been in a similar situation? If you were him, what would you like to hear from me?

Thank you all!!
R.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2007
Thu, 11-22-2007 - 10:17pm
girl, this is tough to say, but once a guy cheats will always cheat. it'll be hard to accept or see, but don't be blind and it's so easy to be blind once you're in love. but if the guy has had so many affairs in the past, what does that tell you?!? what makes you think he won't do the same to you?? he was with the other girl for FOUR years and it still didn't phase him to stray away. What if YOU were the girl of FOUR years? Imagine that. You deserve way better than that! You should NEVER accept being the other woman! You deserve some dignity and the respect!!! If he's acting this torn up about his ex-gf, then that should speak LOUD to you that he still cares and loves her a lot. I'm not an expert on relationships, but I know that your situation is NOT right and NO right woman in their right mind would put up with that bullsh*t! so you need to stand your ground and tell him straight up -- is it me that you want truly want to be with or her?? Because it seems to me that you're still hung up on her. Don't fall for his BS excuses either that he feels guilty or whatever. Besides, how can you truly trust him after he's kept you secret for so long and has done it several times in the past? What makes you different or special? just think about it. you really do deserve alot better. i hope my piece of advice helps...the truth may hurt, but just remember that what doesn't break you will only make you stronger. Keep your head up. :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-23-2007 - 12:30pm
I have to agree that once a person cheats more than twice, they are in the "once a cheat, always a cheat" category. He is addicted to cheating in some way. He will never be satisfied with "just" you. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 11-23-2007 - 4:32pm

Welcome to the board pulgosa,


If he's had other affairs, my guess is, you won't be the last.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2007
Fri, 11-23-2007 - 5:11pm

Cheaters lack character and anyone who'd cheat on you does not care about you.

It is not enough to have a good mind.  The main thing is to use it well.-- Rene Descartes