one deal breaker?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2011
one deal breaker?
26
Sat, 10-01-2011 - 9:29am

Hi girls and guys,
I need advice, deep advice if possible. Please help me clear my head, because this has been eating away me for quite awhile.

Background: I am 27 and he is 29. I have been dating my lovely boyfriend for almost 3.5 years. It has been a GREAT 3.5 years. He never puts any pressure on me and he is a really nice person. Yeah, sometimes he does upset me because of the words and actions he chooses. He forgets to mention how pretty I am, and he forgets we make plans and the lack of plans.. etc. I do want to marry one day, and I want to marry him. I can see myself with him for the rest of my life but there is one MAJOR(?) problem. I really hate saying it is a problem, but it is.. because I when I was younger... I wanted to marry a man and move in with him, only him.

Problem: He recently purchased a house, yeah, he really did not want to and he was not yet ready, but he was pressured into doing so. His mom lost her job, her house, etc. She currently is not doing well, she has a lung diease. His sister and two brothers are living with him as well. He is the sole provider of all three of them. He is the only one paying the mortgage as well as buying all the food. This really frustrates me because he is being pushed around by his family. His sister has a low-paying job, but she just does not PAY ANYTHING! She just purchased a new car (do not ask me why) and his brothers have decent jobs -- but they do not pay because they have "credit card bills to pay off." They are freeloading in my eyes and I do not like this because how can I have a future with him if he is stuck? He is

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2011
Sun, 10-02-2011 - 12:17pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Sun, 10-02-2011 - 12:20pm
Why are you "waiting and hoping" when he's already told you that this is the way it is going to be and it won't ever change?

How long are you willing to sit around "waiting and hoping"? 5 years? 10 years? 20? In 5 years you'll be 32, in 10 you'll be 37. Of course, in 20 you'll be 47. Do you want to wake up at age 37 and realize that you "waited and hoped" and nothing changed? He has told you already! So "waiting and hoping" is pointless.

It always seems so sad to me that some people hold on to hopeless situations because they are soooo convinced they'll never meet anyone they love ever again. In 5 years you could be married to a man who wants to live the same way you do, maybe even have a baby on the way. Or, you could still be "waiting and hoping", or married to this man with 4 of his family members living with you. What sounds better to you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 10-02-2011 - 1:26pm

I so agree with all of the other posters. You are like all of those people that think their boyfriend or spouse or whatever will change.. So you are hoping that your boyfriend changes and agrees with you and all will be well. Well? I can tell you that some of us here have been around the block a few times and honey people never change.. So good luck with wasting such young precious valuable years of your life with a man who wont budge.

I feel so bad for you in that you are young now but the older you get the harder it will be to find a mate and get married and have children..

The only other thing I can think of right now is maybe renting an apt. or buying a house next to your boyfriends.. This way you can still see him or date and you wont have to live with his family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 10-02-2011 - 1:54pm

I'm reading your replies, and I don't know whether to laugh or cry!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2011
Sun, 10-02-2011 - 3:14pm

Thank you for all your insight.

musiclover: I do not think of such ways. If I were to break it off with him, I know that I would not have a hard time finding a man. I am athletic and smart. I am a great catch. I just never saw myself living with my husband’s family and I always follow through with what I want. I hate altering my plans, hate it. I am a very concise planner. If things fall off of schedule, it does tick me off.

stillstanding: I am waiting because I do have faith. I like to see things as the glass is half full. I used to have a bad outlook on life, but then it changed a few years ago. There is no point in looking at the bad when the good never gets recognized. I know, I have a strange view on life and the way I think but that is who I am and I do not want to change. I think if he had to, he would choose me. I have not yet asked him me or your family, because it is not my place. I do not want to wait much longer because of the chances of having children. I heard that if you have children after your 35 the greater the chances of them having problems. I know someone at work (who is in their 60s) who has been with her boyfriend for 30 years. She has not married them, they are living together. I do not see myself in her shoes. I want children and I want to get married.

You do make a good point though, but I love him and I think we are a great match.

freeatlast: If he loves me, he would change because he does not want to lose me. He told me that he wants to marry me. He also told me that the stuff I told him last night, there was not reason to bring it up. Well when can I bring it up? After five years of marriage? I do not think so. I want to live the life I dreamed of. Yeah, fairy tales do not exist. I know. I know.

I do not want to live in an apartment. You never will own that, so in my eyes, it is a waste of money. A townhouse, I could move into, but I need assistance with that expense once children come into my life. He SHOULD not be paying for four people. He just should not be doing it at all. It is a major problem in my eyes. He needs to man up and lay down the law because it is just going to get worse as the years progress.

fissatore: This is no laughing matter. How do I have problems? I do not have problems. I will have problems if when I do get married I have to move in a full house. I am trying to leave a full house right now! I want to go home without any stress from the inlaw and siblings.

I do not have any fairy tales ideas. Everyone I know is married and they are LIVING by themselves! So tell me how I am living a fairy tale life? I do not know anyone else that has this situation or is close to it, so it is just not chill. I know he is not getting it elsewhere. I see him every weekend and he said that he is happy with his decision to wait because it is making him a better person.

I am not insecure; sometimes it is nice to hear those things. I do not want him to say it every week. If I am wearing a dress, just say something. I do listen to him when he talks. I listen carefully because I need to know what is going on in his head and how he sees things. If I do not hear him out then I could possibly be living in a situation I do not want to.

Yes, his mom does have that illness and I think she is just blaming that on her not working. She does not want to work; she just wants to stay at home. That is why I do not want to move in with his family. I do not want to support them. I am sorry. I just cannot support them. I do not make 6 figures. I can function on a four family if I could... and that would be my husband and 2 children.

It is hard my heart is breaking into a million pieces. :womansad:

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sun, 10-02-2011 - 5:16pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 10-02-2011 - 5:58pm

oh; So i am assuming that the poster thinks the guy will kick out the family and the mom and choose her?? But, I am confused..didnt he say that he is not going to kick out his family and choose her?? Didnt he say that to your face unicorn??

So what do you want him to do?? Kick the mom out, kick the siblings out?? Or do you think he is going to wait a few years and then kick them out?? or are you waiting for the mom to die and the siblings to get married and move out??

Wow;; what are you wanting or hoping will happen ???What does your boyfriend want to happen? Was that addressed here??

Oh; about the sex thing?? Not to be nosy but do you do other things and not intercourse.. I think I agree with Fiss. No man on this planet goes without sex for years.. sorry!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sun, 10-02-2011 - 6:11pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 10-02-2011 - 6:42pm

oh; Dear;; that is right..

There are way too many problems in this relationship.. People have sex for intimacy and because they love each other and want to be close.. If they are not having sex in three years there is def. a problem there..

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2011
Sun, 10-02-2011 - 7:42pm

thank you.

I am a strong-willed person. When I have something set in my mind, it is set in stone. I will not have sex until I get married. I know he has not had sex because it is pretty impossible. I am with him every weekend so there is no time for him to sneak any of that nature in. I know he wants sex, but he said he will wait until I am ready. I know he does watch porn, he has told me.

true: I did not say that my dream is more important than his. He told me his dream was to move in with me but he had to alter it. I am thinking that once his sister gets a good job (hopefully) the mother can move in with her. His mother does have options, such as moving in with her sister who lives 35min away. It really is not a big problem, there are solutions. It just is not fair that everyone is using him. It is breaking my heart.

freeatlast: You are using aggressive words. I do not want to kick his family out. If I do marry him, I would want them in my life, not just every day of my life.. too much... too much. I do give him hand jobs, so there is your factor. There is nothing wrong wit the way I live. In my religion we are not supposed to have sex until we are married. Well, I am waiting because that is what I was raised and I am following through. He is not bored with me, because if he was, he would leave me!

You mentioned you dated a guy for a few weeks, well I am at 3.5 years and it was at 2.5 years this move took place.

If he does not want me in his life, why am I still in it? Why has he not said goodbye... it will not work out?