one deal breaker?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2011
one deal breaker?
26
Sat, 10-01-2011 - 9:29am

Hi girls and guys,
I need advice, deep advice if possible. Please help me clear my head, because this has been eating away me for quite awhile.

Background: I am 27 and he is 29. I have been dating my lovely boyfriend for almost 3.5 years. It has been a GREAT 3.5 years. He never puts any pressure on me and he is a really nice person. Yeah, sometimes he does upset me because of the words and actions he chooses. He forgets to mention how pretty I am, and he forgets we make plans and the lack of plans.. etc. I do want to marry one day, and I want to marry him. I can see myself with him for the rest of my life but there is one MAJOR(?) problem. I really hate saying it is a problem, but it is.. because I when I was younger... I wanted to marry a man and move in with him, only him.

Problem: He recently purchased a house, yeah, he really did not want to and he was not yet ready, but he was pressured into doing so. His mom lost her job, her house, etc. She currently is not doing well, she has a lung diease. His sister and two brothers are living with him as well. He is the sole provider of all three of them. He is the only one paying the mortgage as well as buying all the food. This really frustrates me because he is being pushed around by his family. His sister has a low-paying job, but she just does not PAY ANYTHING! She just purchased a new car (do not ask me why) and his brothers have decent jobs -- but they do not pay because they have "credit card bills to pay off." They are freeloading in my eyes and I do not like this because how can I have a future with him if he is stuck? He is

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 10-01-2011 - 10:26am

This is an impossible situation and I agree that you should not marry this guy in this situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Sat, 10-01-2011 - 10:44am

When did your bf tell you this ? Recently or before?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2011
Sat, 10-01-2011 - 11:40am

Thank you for replying.

musiclover12: We are both white and we do not come from a background where parents and siblings live with each other after they get married. I am Christian and I do believe that the both of us should live together, no one else included. I could see maybe 20 years down the road if this were to happen, I would not mind his mom moving in. To start a married life with his parent and brothers and sister, I just cannot do it. I feel as if I am being selfish and not offering any sympathy for his situation but I just do not know. I feel really horrible about this situation. He did say his dream (before he got the house) was to move in with me by himself. His dreams are crushed because people cannot take care of themselves and do not want to grow up. He is the oldest of them three so I guess he feels as if it is HIS responsibility (he lost his dad four years ago).

Let's just say his three siblings move. I still would not want his mom living with us. She smokes and curses and always is moping around the house. I do not want that environment. I am sorry. I want to be able to come home from a day of work and just come home to silence and him (when I am married of course). I do not plan on moving in with any guy until I marry him (old fashion, I know).

He told me recently that his aunt (his mom's sister) said she could move in with her. She has a big house with empty rooms. She does not want to move in with her sister. I do not know why, perhaps they do not get along. I do not want to get in on it. His sister, pardon my French and brutally with harsh words, is a slut. I hate saying this about people and bringing them down but she has been with four guys (sexually) since I have been with him. She is never in a relationship she just sleeps with them. It is really awkward to watch a movie and hear that.. that is all I am saying. I would not want my children expose to that.

heissick: He told me about a year ago that his mom and siblings were going to move in with him until they found a place. Well, two weeks ago, he breaks the news of if I want to marry him; I need to expect to live with his mom and sister because they cannot go anywhere since they cannot even afford a place to leave. His brothers will eventually move out (maybe) but the girls in his family will probably be there. He did mention a few months ago as well that his grandmother may move in down the road.

It does not look promising to me. I do not want to break things off because of this family issue because in my eyes it really is not a reason to break things off with someone. I love him deeply and he is a perfect match for me. I just cannot move in with his family.


Question: When and how should I bring it up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Sat, 10-01-2011 - 11:59am
<<<<< I do not want to break things off because of this family issue because in my eyes it really is not a reason to break things off with someone. I love him deeply and he is a perfect match for me. I just cannot move in with his family. >>>>>

Your bf has 'told ' you what the deal is and NOT discussed or taken your view point on it . Its VERY clear that thats how he envisions his married or single life. If its acceptable to him , its NOT your place to breakup his family unit ( I am not going into what the bible says or what you say or how things should be. THIS guy has an arrangement with which he wants to adhere by )

All you can do is tell him how you want your married life to be, just like he told you.If he doesnt want to take your view point, well then, you HAVE to live with his family after marriage and be happy with it since you are not going to breakup with him for this reason . The same way, just because you dont like it / want it, he isnt going to break up with them.

He isnt giving you the right to decide on his and his family's living arrangement.

This isnt something you want to hear and this is also not something that is of our culture but THIS guy has an arragement which you have to either take or leave .

Its also possible that he doesnt really want a long term with you and is pulling up all this so you break up with him rather than him doing the dirty work.

Parents living with sons after marriage is common and is considered a duty in some cultures.




iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
Sat, 10-01-2011 - 2:51pm

Wow, I agree with a lot that music lover said.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 10-01-2011 - 5:16pm

You will not only be marrying him but his family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 10-01-2011 - 5:55pm

I agree with what everyone else has told you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sat, 10-01-2011 - 8:14pm

I so agree with Fiss..

If your boyfriend is telling you to your face that take or leave his family then that is it..His way or the highway...

So you have two choices.. Continue to date him and stay with him and later down the road live with the family or leave this guy and find somone on the same page as you.

I do not agree with the siblings living with him and all of that.. I could see the mom living with him and you as she is sick but if she can find an alternative living situation down the road..then she should take it and let her son live his life..

The siblings def. need to get out at some point...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2011
Sun, 10-02-2011 - 11:58am

Hi again,
I discussed this issue with him last night because I really did not release my opinion on the subject matter. I told him how I felt and my dream of marrying a man and living solely with him. He told me well, unfortunately that will not happen. My mom and sister will always be here, but when my brothers find girlfriends, they probably will plan on moving in if the girlfriends have apartments, etc. Well, I am getting older, and I would like to have at least three children and the older I get. The more difficult it is for women in their late 30s to have children. I would like to get married next two years if possible. He said he would rather have a one=bed room apartment then the house right now.

I forgot to mention the lung disease she has, its emphysema.

I am at a catch 22 and I just really dislike everything going on.

dadfor6: My boyfriend likes that his mom is staying at his house because he gets cooked meals, gets his wash done, house is always cleaned, etc. Well, that is not growing up at all. When I get married, I want to manage our house, make our meals together and do my own wash. I am very independent and that is why I believe it would not mesh together at all. I found out that one of her brothers is helping her sister with the car payments because she cannot afford it - it is all a bloody mess. a mess. :(

mhash: I love him and I love him family but that is not what is supposed to happen when two people get married. I want to live a life with him, not his family. He told me last night that he could not move in with my parents. Well, I cannot do the same, so we need to figure something out which will make us both happy. He is not happy with the situation. :( He is the oldest of the siblings, let me just throw that in there and his siblings are in their early and late 20s.

fissatore: We went to a wedding a month ago and my boyfriend did not mention anything about my dress and hair and did not say I was beautiful. I do not expect him to say it every time I see him, but if he could not say it when I am dressed up nice then I think that is a little weird. I did ask my brother about it and he said he does the same thing for his girlfriend. He does not tell her that she is beautiful and she did get mad at him. I then discussed this with my boyfriend and he said why do I need to tell you are beautiful. I would not date anyone ugly. Well okay then!

He does not verbally attack me, he just sometimes makes fun of the way I talk because I talk too fast sometimes and he cannot understand me. The actions are when we make plans and he changes them last minute because his friend would rather go to a different restaurant. He is my Mr. Wonderful and no one is perfect, I know. When I look at him I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him because I never felt like this with the last three guys I dated.

freeatlast: I do not want to leave him because of his situation it is a lame excuse. I left my exs because of them putting pressure on me. I love him but I just cannot live with his family. I just cannot do it. I am waiting and hoping things will turn around. 

Let me just say that we never had sex. I want to wait until I am married and he has been 100% supportive. The guys I dated before pressured me and I had to leave them. A guy waiting 3.5 years without any sex, well that is just great and it shows how much he loves me.


Please help :smileysad:

:womansad:

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 10-02-2011 - 12:05pm

So what is going to happen here?

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