One other thing... (venting it all out)
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| Tue, 06-08-2004 - 11:47am |
We were in the car and I decided to primp in the car. He started to cope an attitude asking me why I felt the need to primp. I responded back, explaining that I just felt the need to do and asked him to please not start making an issue out all of this and to let it go and enjoy the day. I thought things were okay after that, we proceeded to get out of the car upon arriving at the firehouse in Takoma Park, MD. At times he jokes and the jokes he makes are not funny. They are insensitive or tackless. I can't recall what was said, but I know I didn't say anything out of the way to him. He usually opens my door for me and proceeded to do so. We were walking up to the entrance of the firehouse and he just turned to me with his son down between us and told me "shut the F-bleep up", when I hadn't said anything to even envoke those type of words out of his mouth. From that point I was seething inside and didn't understand what had just happened to make him say that to me.
We went through the tour and once we were back in the car, I asked him what I had done to make him say something like to me. I'm not kidding, that I had not said anything for him to respond to me like that. To this day, I still don't know why or what happened. I asked him what was wrong with him. He said that I deserved that response and I had provoked him to that response. It really made me question him in being bi-polar or having some type of disorder. I've never witnessed anything like that. He felt justified in that. I know all this sounds so crazy... he is educated, can be very affecionate and is a good person. There haven't been any more incidents to that extreme anymore.
I told him that even though he doesn't abuse me, his words are just as lethal in demeaning me and demolishing my self esteem. I remember breaking down crying because I would sit and talk to him in a calm tone and he would raise his voice at me and admonish me like I was a child. I brought that to him and told him how is it I can sit and talk to you calmly and you get so worked up and bent out of shape. He would say things like I need to learn how to let him talk and while he is talking I need to just listen and not speak, however, he would constantly talk over me when I told him I needed to talk.
It's been 11 months and it feels like a few years in some ways. I'm depressed and feeling unhappy with so many things in my life right now...job wise, with him and the constant ups and downs. My family doesn't know alot of things, but some of my friends do and they have told me I need to focus on me. I've been thinking about how different my life is now compared to a year ago. Where I had a social life and I was a happy indivdual. As I've said I do love him and I know that there are ups and downs in any relationship, but I've never had them like what I've encountered here.
Now, we are distant. I know he's trying in some ways that he calls me for no reason still and tells me he loves me all the time, but all of the things that have happened have killed my passion for him. It's funny to me now when I think about it, every time we go to Richmond, we'd get into a disagreement. The last time we went there, We got into a huge disagreement. I started talking to him about doing something career wise that would help me supplement my income and instead of having a conversation about what I brought up, he instantly changed the subject and started talking. This of course irritated me to no end, and I told him in a polite way that this was what I was talking about him not allowing me to communicate my thoughts to him. He was talking about how upset I got the week before over an incident that had occured. I told him that wasn't what I brought up and that I still wanted to discuss the topic that I brought up... I was getting more irritated at him constantly doing this. Well of course it turned into a big disagreement. My final remark that topped things was my sharing with him that the realtor of the place we moved into could tell that my guy irritated me. My fiance asked me how the realtor came to that assumption and I explained to him that he said he could tell and I told him that my response to the realtor was that I was frustrated due to other things and it wasn't due to my guy. Well a big disagreement contiued and we were in the car. He got out to go into a store. His best friend meet us at the store and I know he could tell I was upset and I was trying to keep it together. I ended up breaking down crying and ran off to try to find somewhere to hide. This was while we were outside, I was standing on the other side of a truck and they were on the opposite side, while customers were going in and out of the store. One lady walked up to me and just hugged and said, "I hate to see any woman cry." He just stood over w/ his best friend and talked, while I got the keys and rush to the car and cried some more. He walked over to the car and said what is your problem. I told him I couldn't stand around and let his friend see me break down. He said he needed to go, we had went down there to rent a truck and had to get back to D.C. by a certain time.
He drove off without even looking to see if I was behind him, while I got detoured by some african men in a truck that couldn't drive that were blocking me in. When I finally got out of the parking lot, I sped up to try to find him, because I didn't know my way through Richmond. I ran up on him coming from an opposite street and ran the light to catch up. I know he knew my emotional state was a mess at that point, but he didn't pull over or anything, and I drove up beside him to ask if he was even trying to wait for me and he said I thought you were behind me. I cried and drove the whole way back on the verge of a breakdown. We were moving that weekend and I remember the last night in my old apartment...once we were finished for the night. He was so insensitive and told me I hope you aren't looking for any sympathy, yet, he has said he wants me to look at him like he is my family. He proceeded to talk and re-hash the events of that day and I told him...I didn't even want to talk anymore...that I was mentally and emotionally drained and exhausted. I lay there trying to go to sleep, but feeling resentful of him and the decisions that I had made in my life in being w/ him. He lay on the other side of the bed and I just broke down crying again and cried myself to sleep. I woke up in the morning feeling the same way and was on the border of feeling angry that someone that says that want me to look at them as family and yet, they couldn't console me when I was emotionally distraught. In the first time since we had been together I raised my voice and was yelling and telling him that I was sorry he thought everything was about him...but that I wasn't going to internalize what I was feeling about making bad choices and about being angry at the fact that he couldn't console me.
We finished up moving that day and I remember sitting outside of our new place feeling like I didn't want to even enter the place and I was wishing I had some place else to go. I started crying again and called a friend to talk. She was telling me I needed to put myself first no matter what he did. Well I'm just venting at this point and sharing...but I need help in assessing what I need to do to build my self esteem again?

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Why are you putting up with this verbal abuse? If you re-read your post you make the point repeatedly that your life now is WORSE than before you met him. Life is too short to spend it with jerks. Cut your losses and get out now.
And by the way, stop crying like a little girl every time someone hurts your feelings. You're an adult. When someone disses you, respond in kind in a mature fashion. Blubbering like a kid just makes others lose respect for you.
now, as for happgoluckyme, I really feel for you. I've been there and I don't know about you but it pissed me off not only when he said hurtful things, but that I let him get me down so low. The only way you can raise your self esteem and stop feeling so bad is to realize that what he's saying about you is not true. Do you hear me? IT IS NOT TRUE! Don't let him make you believe you are worth less than you know you are. Don't fall into the trap of internalizing his nasty comments and believing you somehow deserve them. NO ONE has the right to hurt you, and once you stop making excuse for his insults or attributing them to him being stressed, upset at work, or even imagining he's bi-polar, then you will realize that he's just a jerk. He's like a 4yr old begging for attention. Once you take the power out of his words and realize he's just basically whining because there are things he can't control or change, then you stop taking everything he says and does to heart. You are special, capable, intelligent, and a good person. If not, why would he have approached you in the first place? His shortcomings are not your own. Let him whine and b*tch on his own time. Don't be available to insult any longer. When he starts up, walk awya. Leave the room, leave the house...just do whatever you need to do to deny him the audience and reaction he craves. Once he sees he can't get to you like that anymore, he'll have to change his strategy or move on. Either way, you'll be better off. Many hugs and blessings to you, hun. I wish better days for you.
hi there and hugs. I read most of your posts (sorry, they're a little long...;)
it boils down to these two issues:
first - you are in a serious relatinship with a parent. and I am not going to go into his parenting style, the results of his parenting style, etc. but----- you really really really need to ask yourself if you are ready, able, and willing to step into this family AS IS right now. because - it sounds to me as if you are sitting there and thinking - well, i think DF is doing this and this the wrong way, and AFTER WE GET MARRIED and i become the 'official' step mother - then DF will miraculously change into the great parent i know is lurking there, deep down. well, guess what - what you see is what you get. if you don't like things the way they are now - then think long and hard about getting married. and think about the possiblity that his son will live with you guys full time - because that is ALWAYS an option in every divorce situation. and think about if you will have more children together -do you want kids? does he? how will you (both) raise YOUR kids?
second - i am really sorry to say this - i agree with the other poster - your DF doesn't sound like he has any particular "bi-polar" disorder - he just sounds like a jerk. (sorry!). it sounds like he is not treating you well at all, he is taking advantage of you - YOU can jepordise YOUR job to pick up HIS kid -and he can't go out of his way for HIS kid? hello? does this make ANY kind of sense? he curses you and puts you down -and its YOUR fault???? (and don't even begin to dwell on what you supposedly did or didn't do wrong - he has no right to treat you this way). YOU put in the hours and make the money? HE refuses to make any kind of arrangement so that you can date? why are you putting up with this?
And yes, stop crying. It makes him feel like he's hit his mark.
Thanks again, I really appreciate it(0:
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