One other thing... (venting it all out)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
One other thing... (venting it all out)
12
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 11:47am
In addition the previous post, I know there is so much to say. It hasn't been a year yet and we've had our share of ups and downs with just he and I. I love him, but my questioning of being in love with him anymore also stems from him being insenstive at times and saying very harsh things. I'm not perfect, nor is he, but he would do things that I just couldn't understand and sometimes I wondered if he had some type of disorder to make him act irrational at times. One particular occurence was when he and I were taking his son on a tour at a firehouse to see the fire trucks. I contacted a friend of mine who worked there and we were on our way up there.

We were in the car and I decided to primp in the car. He started to cope an attitude asking me why I felt the need to primp. I responded back, explaining that I just felt the need to do and asked him to please not start making an issue out all of this and to let it go and enjoy the day. I thought things were okay after that, we proceeded to get out of the car upon arriving at the firehouse in Takoma Park, MD. At times he jokes and the jokes he makes are not funny. They are insensitive or tackless. I can't recall what was said, but I know I didn't say anything out of the way to him. He usually opens my door for me and proceeded to do so. We were walking up to the entrance of the firehouse and he just turned to me with his son down between us and told me "shut the F-bleep up", when I hadn't said anything to even envoke those type of words out of his mouth. From that point I was seething inside and didn't understand what had just happened to make him say that to me.

We went through the tour and once we were back in the car, I asked him what I had done to make him say something like to me. I'm not kidding, that I had not said anything for him to respond to me like that. To this day, I still don't know why or what happened. I asked him what was wrong with him. He said that I deserved that response and I had provoked him to that response. It really made me question him in being bi-polar or having some type of disorder. I've never witnessed anything like that. He felt justified in that. I know all this sounds so crazy... he is educated, can be very affecionate and is a good person. There haven't been any more incidents to that extreme anymore.

I told him that even though he doesn't abuse me, his words are just as lethal in demeaning me and demolishing my self esteem. I remember breaking down crying because I would sit and talk to him in a calm tone and he would raise his voice at me and admonish me like I was a child. I brought that to him and told him how is it I can sit and talk to you calmly and you get so worked up and bent out of shape. He would say things like I need to learn how to let him talk and while he is talking I need to just listen and not speak, however, he would constantly talk over me when I told him I needed to talk.

It's been 11 months and it feels like a few years in some ways. I'm depressed and feeling unhappy with so many things in my life right now...job wise, with him and the constant ups and downs. My family doesn't know alot of things, but some of my friends do and they have told me I need to focus on me. I've been thinking about how different my life is now compared to a year ago. Where I had a social life and I was a happy indivdual. As I've said I do love him and I know that there are ups and downs in any relationship, but I've never had them like what I've encountered here.

Now, we are distant. I know he's trying in some ways that he calls me for no reason still and tells me he loves me all the time, but all of the things that have happened have killed my passion for him. It's funny to me now when I think about it, every time we go to Richmond, we'd get into a disagreement. The last time we went there, We got into a huge disagreement. I started talking to him about doing something career wise that would help me supplement my income and instead of having a conversation about what I brought up, he instantly changed the subject and started talking. This of course irritated me to no end, and I told him in a polite way that this was what I was talking about him not allowing me to communicate my thoughts to him. He was talking about how upset I got the week before over an incident that had occured. I told him that wasn't what I brought up and that I still wanted to discuss the topic that I brought up... I was getting more irritated at him constantly doing this. Well of course it turned into a big disagreement. My final remark that topped things was my sharing with him that the realtor of the place we moved into could tell that my guy irritated me. My fiance asked me how the realtor came to that assumption and I explained to him that he said he could tell and I told him that my response to the realtor was that I was frustrated due to other things and it wasn't due to my guy. Well a big disagreement contiued and we were in the car. He got out to go into a store. His best friend meet us at the store and I know he could tell I was upset and I was trying to keep it together. I ended up breaking down crying and ran off to try to find somewhere to hide. This was while we were outside, I was standing on the other side of a truck and they were on the opposite side, while customers were going in and out of the store. One lady walked up to me and just hugged and said, "I hate to see any woman cry." He just stood over w/ his best friend and talked, while I got the keys and rush to the car and cried some more. He walked over to the car and said what is your problem. I told him I couldn't stand around and let his friend see me break down. He said he needed to go, we had went down there to rent a truck and had to get back to D.C. by a certain time.

He drove off without even looking to see if I was behind him, while I got detoured by some african men in a truck that couldn't drive that were blocking me in. When I finally got out of the parking lot, I sped up to try to find him, because I didn't know my way through Richmond. I ran up on him coming from an opposite street and ran the light to catch up. I know he knew my emotional state was a mess at that point, but he didn't pull over or anything, and I drove up beside him to ask if he was even trying to wait for me and he said I thought you were behind me. I cried and drove the whole way back on the verge of a breakdown. We were moving that weekend and I remember the last night in my old apartment...once we were finished for the night. He was so insensitive and told me I hope you aren't looking for any sympathy, yet, he has said he wants me to look at him like he is my family. He proceeded to talk and re-hash the events of that day and I told him...I didn't even want to talk anymore...that I was mentally and emotionally drained and exhausted. I lay there trying to go to sleep, but feeling resentful of him and the decisions that I had made in my life in being w/ him. He lay on the other side of the bed and I just broke down crying again and cried myself to sleep. I woke up in the morning feeling the same way and was on the border of feeling angry that someone that says that want me to look at them as family and yet, they couldn't console me when I was emotionally distraught. In the first time since we had been together I raised my voice and was yelling and telling him that I was sorry he thought everything was about him...but that I wasn't going to internalize what I was feeling about making bad choices and about being angry at the fact that he couldn't console me.

We finished up moving that day and I remember sitting outside of our new place feeling like I didn't want to even enter the place and I was wishing I had some place else to go. I started crying again and called a friend to talk. She was telling me I needed to put myself first no matter what he did. Well I'm just venting at this point and sharing...but I need help in assessing what I need to do to build my self esteem again?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 12:01pm
Listen, your man doesn't have bi-polar manic depression or a mood disorder. He just needs a character transplant.

Why are you putting up with this verbal abuse? If you re-read your post you make the point repeatedly that your life now is WORSE than before you met him. Life is too short to spend it with jerks. Cut your losses and get out now.

And by the way, stop crying like a little girl every time someone hurts your feelings. You're an adult. When someone disses you, respond in kind in a mature fashion. Blubbering like a kid just makes others lose respect for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 12:13pm
thanks for a response, I'm not blubbering like a little girl. Yes, life is too short to deal with craziness. You must be a man or that's the sense I get from your response. Crying doesn't make someone weak and I don't always do it, but in some cases I think it's necessary. I need a response from a female with perspective on this though.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 12:32pm
First of all, your insensitivity in telling her to "stop crying like a little girl every time someone hurts your feelings" is disgusting. Who are you to tell someone how to react to a situation that you have no personal knowledge of? Furthermore, how do you know she's actually crying over him or the actual words he said? Sometimes the tears come not so much from being insulted but from realizing that you, a person who was at one time strong and self confident, have goten yourself into a situation where you feel miserable and don't know how to make it stop. It usually comes from frustration more than hurt feelings. So save your "get over it" mantra for someone who's crying over trivial stuff like a stubbed toe.

now, as for happgoluckyme, I really feel for you. I've been there and I don't know about you but it pissed me off not only when he said hurtful things, but that I let him get me down so low. The only way you can raise your self esteem and stop feeling so bad is to realize that what he's saying about you is not true. Do you hear me? IT IS NOT TRUE! Don't let him make you believe you are worth less than you know you are. Don't fall into the trap of internalizing his nasty comments and believing you somehow deserve them. NO ONE has the right to hurt you, and once you stop making excuse for his insults or attributing them to him being stressed, upset at work, or even imagining he's bi-polar, then you will realize that he's just a jerk. He's like a 4yr old begging for attention. Once you take the power out of his words and realize he's just basically whining because there are things he can't control or change, then you stop taking everything he says and does to heart. You are special, capable, intelligent, and a good person. If not, why would he have approached you in the first place? His shortcomings are not your own. Let him whine and b*tch on his own time. Don't be available to insult any longer. When he starts up, walk awya. Leave the room, leave the house...just do whatever you need to do to deny him the audience and reaction he craves. Once he sees he can't get to you like that anymore, he'll have to change his strategy or move on. Either way, you'll be better off. Many hugs and blessings to you, hun. I wish better days for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 1:02pm

hi there and hugs. I read most of your posts (sorry, they're a little long...;)


it boils down to these two issues:


first - you are in a serious relatinship with a parent. and I am not going to go into his parenting style, the results of his parenting style, etc. but----- you really really really need to ask yourself if you are ready, able, and willing to step into this family AS IS right now. because - it sounds to me as if you are sitting there and thinking - well, i think DF is doing this and this the wrong way, and AFTER WE GET MARRIED and i become the 'official' step mother - then DF will miraculously change into the great parent i know is lurking there, deep down. well, guess what - what you see is what you get. if you don't like things the way they are now - then think long and hard about getting married. and think about the possiblity that his son will live with you guys full time - because that is ALWAYS an option in every divorce situation. and think about if you will have more children together -do you want kids? does he? how will you (both) raise YOUR kids?


second - i am really sorry to say this - i agree with the other poster - your DF doesn't sound like he has any particular "bi-polar" disorder - he just sounds like a jerk. (sorry!). it sounds like he is not treating you well at all, he is taking advantage of you - YOU can jepordise YOUR job to pick up HIS kid -and he can't go out of his way for HIS kid? hello? does this make ANY kind of sense? he curses you and puts you down -and its YOUR fault???? (and don't even begin to dwell on what you supposedly did or didn't do wrong - he has no right to treat you this way). YOU put in the hours and make the money? HE refuses to make any kind of arrangement so that you can date? why are you putting up with this?


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 2:34pm
Wow....What a nightmare. The first thing you need to do is realize what he is doing to you and why. He can be so sweet, right? Wants you to be his family, right? Can make you feel like you're the only woman on earth, right? And yet, on the other hand, he's the biggest jerk in America. What he is doing - and this is true of most abusive men (make no mistake, honey, this is ABUSE) - is to break you down to the point that you NEED that love and attention when he's ready to offer it. He makes you feel like trash so he can make you all better again - and why? Because he knows, whether consciously or unconsciously, that at the end of the day he's a dirtbag, and the only way to get you to stay is to make you dependent. You have become DEPENDENT on the high times only because he has beaten you down so low. It's exactly like a physical addiction, only the victim is innocent. That's the first step to getting your self-esteem back. You have to quit the cycle. You can do it, even if it seems impossible. You have to leave. This is not going to get better. It might get better for a few days, a few weeks, but once he sees that you're building up enough emotional and mental strength to possibly think clearly again, he'll break you down once more. And each time will only get worse. And the longer you let this continue, it will only get worse and more difficult for you to leave. While you still have your sanity and a shred of your former levelheadedness, LEAVE. If leaving seems impossible, imagine the current abuse becoming your LIFE. Forever. There's a light at the end of that tunnel, but you need to drop the dirtbag before it fades out. You don't need this crap.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 6:05pm
Interesting that you think I'm a man. I'm a 46 year old woman - married for 21 years with 3 teenagers. I've been through a lot in my life, and one thing I will never understand is how and why women living in the free U.S. of A. allow men to treat them this way. Listen, we don't live in Afghanistan under the Taliban, where women were told who to marry, when to marry, when to speak and when to be silent. Thousands of women struggled and fought in this country for self-respect and self determination in the 20th century, yet still there are too many of us who whine and whimper and fall apart when some dude treats them badly. Too many of us measure ourselves by the yardstick that some immature man gives us. WALK AWAY! WALK AWAY THE FIRST TIME RUDE BEHAVIOR IS DIRECTED TOWARD YOU! Not the 3rd or 4th time.

And yes, stop crying. It makes him feel like he's hit his mark.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 9:51am
I appreciate the insightful advice. I am working on making a plan for me, because all I want to do is be happy and this relationship has been turmoil for me. I'm ready to get off of this rollercoaster ride and live for me again, because I know being with him is the root of my depression.

Thanks again, I really appreciate it(0:

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 10:29am
What is wrong with you? This woman is pouring her heart out to us for advice and you are gonna sit there and say things that are obviously giving her a negative effect. Give your thoughts and opinions, but make your point in a non hostile way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 10:46am
I know what your going through and it really hurts. You are with a man who has no consideration for your feelings. First of all no man should ever talk to you like you have described he has. That is just wrong and you should not deal with that because he may not be beating you physically but he is emotionally. As for his son, he definetely needs to set up some boundaries his son should be sleeping in his own bed alone and he needs to understand that you have NEEDS to he cannot neglect you like that. My b/f has a 3 1/2 yr old daughter too, going through a terrible custody case with the mother. In the first year the baby would be very sweet and loving to me but other times she would say things like I don't like you also too me. At first my b/f would pretty much let it go and say she needs time to adjust and accept me as a part of "Daddys" life. But as it continued he put an end to it, he would not allow her to be disrespectful to me. She also doesn't like to sleep in her own bed when she is here but sometimes I will lay with her or her daddy will but once she is asleep we return our bed. Just recently she has been going through alot and is terrified of the dark all of the sudden so we just have her in our bed and move her into her own if need our privacy. He needs to understand that a relationship is NOT a 1 way street. He can not expect you to give all of yourself just to get nothing in return. I would try to set up a time for just you and him to sit down and talk and tell him exactly the way you feel and what you want to change. And if he doesn't give you a positive response and tell you that he will change some things, make more time for you and him. Then leave. I wish you the best of luck. Please keep us posted on what you decide. Jessica
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 11:32am
My intention WAS to give her a "negative effect" (whatever that means). I think you are trying to say that I was hurting her feelings. Possibly so. Sometimes when our foolish behavior is pointed out to us, it hurts. The truth sometimes hurts. Just because I laid out the facts doesn't mean I was being hostile.

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