One other thing... (venting it all out)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
One other thing... (venting it all out)
12
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 11:47am
In addition the previous post, I know there is so much to say. It hasn't been a year yet and we've had our share of ups and downs with just he and I. I love him, but my questioning of being in love with him anymore also stems from him being insenstive at times and saying very harsh things. I'm not perfect, nor is he, but he would do things that I just couldn't understand and sometimes I wondered if he had some type of disorder to make him act irrational at times. One particular occurence was when he and I were taking his son on a tour at a firehouse to see the fire trucks. I contacted a friend of mine who worked there and we were on our way up there.

We were in the car and I decided to primp in the car. He started to cope an attitude asking me why I felt the need to primp. I responded back, explaining that I just felt the need to do and asked him to please not start making an issue out all of this and to let it go and enjoy the day. I thought things were okay after that, we proceeded to get out of the car upon arriving at the firehouse in Takoma Park, MD. At times he jokes and the jokes he makes are not funny. They are insensitive or tackless. I can't recall what was said, but I know I didn't say anything out of the way to him. He usually opens my door for me and proceeded to do so. We were walking up to the entrance of the firehouse and he just turned to me with his son down between us and told me "shut the F-bleep up", when I hadn't said anything to even envoke those type of words out of his mouth. From that point I was seething inside and didn't understand what had just happened to make him say that to me.

We went through the tour and once we were back in the car, I asked him what I had done to make him say something like to me. I'm not kidding, that I had not said anything for him to respond to me like that. To this day, I still don't know why or what happened. I asked him what was wrong with him. He said that I deserved that response and I had provoked him to that response. It really made me question him in being bi-polar or having some type of disorder. I've never witnessed anything like that. He felt justified in that. I know all this sounds so crazy... he is educated, can be very affecionate and is a good person. There haven't been any more incidents to that extreme anymore.

I told him that even though he doesn't abuse me, his words are just as lethal in demeaning me and demolishing my self esteem. I remember breaking down crying because I would sit and talk to him in a calm tone and he would raise his voice at me and admonish me like I was a child. I brought that to him and told him how is it I can sit and talk to you calmly and you get so worked up and bent out of shape. He would say things like I need to learn how to let him talk and while he is talking I need to just listen and not speak, however, he would constantly talk over me when I told him I needed to talk.

It's been 11 months and it feels like a few years in some ways. I'm depressed and feeling unhappy with so many things in my life right now...job wise, with him and the constant ups and downs. My family doesn't know alot of things, but some of my friends do and they have told me I need to focus on me. I've been thinking about how different my life is now compared to a year ago. Where I had a social life and I was a happy indivdual. As I've said I do love him and I know that there are ups and downs in any relationship, but I've never had them like what I've encountered here.

Now, we are distant. I know he's trying in some ways that he calls me for no reason still and tells me he loves me all the time, but all of the things that have happened have killed my passion for him. It's funny to me now when I think about it, every time we go to Richmond, we'd get into a disagreement. The last time we went there, We got into a huge disagreement. I started talking to him about doing something career wise that would help me supplement my income and instead of having a conversation about what I brought up, he instantly changed the subject and started talking. This of course irritated me to no end, and I told him in a polite way that this was what I was talking about him not allowing me to communicate my thoughts to him. He was talking about how upset I got the week before over an incident that had occured. I told him that wasn't what I brought up and that I still wanted to discuss the topic that I brought up... I was getting more irritated at him constantly doing this. Well of course it turned into a big disagreement. My final remark that topped things was my sharing with him that the realtor of the place we moved into could tell that my guy irritated me. My fiance asked me how the realtor came to that assumption and I explained to him that he said he could tell and I told him that my response to the realtor was that I was frustrated due to other things and it wasn't due to my guy. Well a big disagreement contiued and we were in the car. He got out to go into a store. His best friend meet us at the store and I know he could tell I was upset and I was trying to keep it together. I ended up breaking down crying and ran off to try to find somewhere to hide. This was while we were outside, I was standing on the other side of a truck and they were on the opposite side, while customers were going in and out of the store. One lady walked up to me and just hugged and said, "I hate to see any woman cry." He just stood over w/ his best friend and talked, while I got the keys and rush to the car and cried some more. He walked over to the car and said what is your problem. I told him I couldn't stand around and let his friend see me break down. He said he needed to go, we had went down there to rent a truck and had to get back to D.C. by a certain time.

He drove off without even looking to see if I was behind him, while I got detoured by some african men in a truck that couldn't drive that were blocking me in. When I finally got out of the parking lot, I sped up to try to find him, because I didn't know my way through Richmond. I ran up on him coming from an opposite street and ran the light to catch up. I know he knew my emotional state was a mess at that point, but he didn't pull over or anything, and I drove up beside him to ask if he was even trying to wait for me and he said I thought you were behind me. I cried and drove the whole way back on the verge of a breakdown. We were moving that weekend and I remember the last night in my old apartment...once we were finished for the night. He was so insensitive and told me I hope you aren't looking for any sympathy, yet, he has said he wants me to look at him like he is my family. He proceeded to talk and re-hash the events of that day and I told him...I didn't even want to talk anymore...that I was mentally and emotionally drained and exhausted. I lay there trying to go to sleep, but feeling resentful of him and the decisions that I had made in my life in being w/ him. He lay on the other side of the bed and I just broke down crying again and cried myself to sleep. I woke up in the morning feeling the same way and was on the border of feeling angry that someone that says that want me to look at them as family and yet, they couldn't console me when I was emotionally distraught. In the first time since we had been together I raised my voice and was yelling and telling him that I was sorry he thought everything was about him...but that I wasn't going to internalize what I was feeling about making bad choices and about being angry at the fact that he couldn't console me.

We finished up moving that day and I remember sitting outside of our new place feeling like I didn't want to even enter the place and I was wishing I had some place else to go. I started crying again and called a friend to talk. She was telling me I needed to put myself first no matter what he did. Well I'm just venting at this point and sharing...but I need help in assessing what I need to do to build my self esteem again?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 11:39am
The truth hurts, yes. But it hurts even more so when it said without tact. You can tell someone the truth without being insulting. If you just give the facts without your personal commentary or condemnation, it's not as harsh. I think that is what the previous poster was trying to say.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 11:42am
People come here for support and yes they want you to tell them your opinion but you can make it without being rude and hostile.

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