One sad conversation and everythings wrong

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2008
One sad conversation and everythings wrong
Thu, 07-07-2011 - 12:47pm

Sorry if this seems to ramble but I have to put it out there in the universe somewhere...

My boyfriend and I have been together for the past 4 1/2 years, living together for the past 2 years or so. Almost 2 weeks ago, I came home from work and he was upset. He proceeded to tell me that he was happy and loved me but wasn't as happy as he thought he should be in the relationship. He felt as if we were more roommates than bf/gf. He said he wasn't breaking up with me, but he wasn't entirely happy. I felt like I got punched in the gut. He started to cry which made me cry.

I did concede that things were definitely not happening in the bedroom very often, but it usually came down to poor timing I always thought -I'd want to have sex, he'd be tired or vice versa. We didn't know what to do about everything but I knew I didn't want to break up either.

Ever since that conversation, I've been questioning everything about us and probably overthinking everything and making myself sick thinking about the possibility that we may break up.

Now, I think about having sex with him and I'm just not interested. I don't know why. I'm worried that we really are just better off as friends than lovers, but I can't just give up on us after 4+ years. I know we've lost some intimacy but I don't know how to bring it back. We've never been the romantic type unfortunately. Our evenings end up with him on the computer and me on the couch. He's tried to join me on the couch and we have nothing to talk about and he ends up on his phone! I invite him out with me when I work out or go somewhere to do something and he's always more content to stay at home. He's unemployed and looking so money is scarce for him (I don't support him financially) so he doesn't want to go anywhere out. Its understandable, but he can stand for me to treat him sometimes to a cheap meal or a movie. I don'tknow what to do about any of this. I'm contemplating getting counseling myself since I know it takes two for a relationship to succeed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 07-07-2011 - 4:20pm

I know it's hard to face this but maybe the 2 of you aren't really meant for each other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 07-08-2011 - 12:01am

He's depressed because he doesn't have a job!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Fri, 07-08-2011 - 2:55am

Have you considered the following:

1. One or both of you may not be sexually attracted to the other.

2. You may have mismatched libidos. The difference between your libido and his may be wide enough that you need to work harder to make up the difference, or maybe

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Fri, 07-08-2011 - 12:17pm
Was there a point when you were interested in sex?

"Now, I think about having sex with him and I'm just not interested. I don't know why."

Is this how you always were? You said you two were never the romantic type. I think if you've never had "it" then you're never going to create it this far into the game.