This one takes the cake

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2003
This one takes the cake
8
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 12:04am
Ready.

Get set.

What a beautiful mess I'm in.

Where should I begin?

Thank God for country songs! We're livin' one.

I've known my girlfriend for about 4 and a half years now.

She and I are very open when it comes to communication. She asks me questions.

I answer them. You know. The questions no man with a brain would dare answer. I did.

Now. Here we are. On a relationships message board, relationship on the edge of a cliff.

"Hangin' on by her fingernails" as she calls it.

Issue #1: Weight issue. My g/f is 5'4" 100 lbs. - thin. She asked me what I would change.

I told her I wished she'd gain a few pounds. Well, 20-40 to be exact. Was I wrong?

Yeah, probably. This has become or is the biggest issue because I've told her that I prefer bigger women (full-figured even) obviously not her.

Issue #2: She asked me what women I thought were more attractive than her. We made a list.

Celebrities. Bad Idea! Don't do this! Issue #1 + Issue #2 = Eh-eh. I'm sure most women ask this of their men. And of course the smarter ones say 'Just you baby, only you' and life goes on... and it does.. But not for this dumb son of a ***** that is writing this discussion. Oh no ! I answered it. Let's see.. I think it's been oh... 8 - 9 months now...

Issue #3: I've confessed to checkin' out other women.

Issue #4: I've confessed my fantasies which have included full-figured women (again, that's the opposite of her) at work.

So, where does that leave us? I love her very much. And she obviously loves me because she has stuck around. We want to fix this. We need help.

This subject has traumatized us both because it is a constant reminder to both of

us of what has become of our relationship. We can't go to the store, watch TV, or

sometimes even listen to the radio without being reminded of these issues.

The very foundation of her trust has crumbled. She has tried to gain weight for me.

But gaining any kind of weight is extremely difficult for her.

What do we do?

Chris and Christy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 12:51am
Ya know, those type of issues bothered me in my 20's (I'm female). Now, I'm 43 - my current SO and I could ask each other those questions, both answer them, laugh, and forget about it mere minutes later. What's the difference? Age, I guess. I've been with enough men to know that:

1. You don't have to be a man's physical ideal to be the center of his heart and life

2. All celebs are better looking than mere mortals

3. We all have fantasies and we always check out other people

4. We all have things we would change about the other person, but we're smart enough to know we have to accept people as they are - we live in the "real" world

Did I leave anything out?

P.S.: I think you should gain a few pounds too. Unless, of course, you are a ballarina, and have to be at that wispy weight. Lift weights - you could probably sculpt a killer ass and some killer legs that will last you a lifetime - big tits surrender to gravity eventually!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 8:49am

Number one: Your Gf's weight is normal and healthy for her height and porportions. Asking her to gain that much weight only to fulfill one of your fantasies is disgusting. Not only are you inviting an eating disorder into her life, but you are asking for many health problems associated with being "full figured" at such a small stature. Your GF needs to be comfortable in her own skin, something you havent let her do. If she is trying to gain weight, its only to try to divert your eyes back to where they belong- on her, rather than women at work.


Number two: You need to think before you let inconsiderate comments slide out of your trap, now you have hurt the one of the most important people in your life because of your inconsideration.


I think it would be in your best interest to seek relationship counseling to try to build back what you two have lost. Concentrate on the good things going on right now and I think eveything else will fall back into place.


Good luck,


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 9:17am
"Your Gf's weight is normal and healthy for her height and porportions."

Her BMI (a rough estimate of healthy weight) calculates at 17.2, and <18.5 is considered underweight. Where are you getting your data that this is normal and healthy? Your assessment of a future eating disorder is possibly off the mark - she may have one already.

"...at such a small stature."

HAAA! Wow, if 5'4" is "small" (I actually think that's average height for women, or clsoe to it), I must be a midget at 5'. Geez, I'd love to have that "small stature". I've seen many a short woman that is full figured - had no idea they were rife with health problems. Again, where are you getting your information -I'm truly curious.

Sorry, it's just laughable when someone at 5'4" is considered "such a small stature".

Besides, how about taking her to task for asking such inane questions that were obviously meant to provide her with reassurance? Those kind of things point to a serious self-esteem problem. He just needs to recognize those types of questions for what they are - essentially "trick questions"- she needs to build some confidence in herself.




Edited 8/10/2004 9:41 am ET ET by valkyriewannabe

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 1:14pm

Obviously, we all want to think that we are our SO's dream women/man.

 

I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 1:37pm
Unfortunately we men are in a no win situation with these types of questions. We give an honest answer and it is held against us with resentment. If we give a politically correct answer, we get accused of telling lies.

Tell her once and for all that answering these types of questions does nothing to help the relationship and move it forward in a positive way. Tell her that you are focused on the positives and that you expect her as your choosen partner to do so with you. I think you need to step up and be a leader now showing that being positive is the right choice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 1:49pm
"Unfortunately we men are in a no win situation with these types of questions. We give an honest answer and it is held against us with resentment. If we give a politically correct answer, we get accused of telling lies."

What you said, Spiceman! (is that an Italian astronaunt?) I can't belive the resident "expert" took him to task, when it should have been her for asking such inane questions. "Which celeb is better looking than me?" Good lord, even at my most insecure, I've never asked a BF anything like that!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 5:04pm
Wow. It's amazing the differences in responses. Basically Teddy and me are in opposite ends of the same boat. I am in the same situation, give or take, with my husband and it is honestly ruining our relationship. I posted a need for advice on here and recieved some very different types of advice. In fact, the responses had a whole different feel to them.

Being on the polar end of this situation, it can sometimes get difficult to see the opposite side. I wish there was some way I could help ya Teddy, but in all honesty, it's hard to view this in an unbiased manor. I have no problem with celebs being the object of his fantacies, but I do have difficulty accepting him viewing my 19 y/o sister in that manner. I am over weight (and also 5'4'') and in all honesty that was the first thing I decided to change. I've lost 35 pounds since Feb and feel posatively crappy. I like the fact that I am losing weight, but feel almost forced into it. I dread going home from work, my best friend who was staying with me moved out due to the amount of tension in the house. Every time my sister comes over, I take her out some where so she is not around him (Sunday at the parents is practically torture since my bro is 19 and has some gorgeous g/f). If we go to the store, or to dinner, I am completely uncomfortable. All this started because he started acting different around my best friend and I confronted him on it. Of course I had asked those questions all women and some men ask.. and yes my self esteem is low. There are very few people in the world who have complete and utter confidence in themselves not to be concerned or curious with what their significant other thinks. If it had just been the porn, which bothered me only because I have a stronger sex drive than him and didn't understand his need for it, I would have been fine. I have grown to accept that sometimes he just wants to "be by himself" if ya know what I mean. But my sister? That's a little too much. If I was thinking of his brother in that way, it would bother him too and he admitted it. Just as I am sure it would bother you if your girl thought of someone close to you in that manor and satisfied herself to thoughts of them instead of approaching you. It's difficult to watch a person you care about so deeply talking to a person that you know they think of in that way. It's even worse when the people they are "thinking" of are people that you talk to and have to associate with.

As of this moment, my husband has not slept in bed with me for almost 2 weeks. He nor I wear our wedding band (not on my ring finger, at least. I don't feel right taking it off completely), we barely talk and when we do the tension is straining. I, who was close to a full blown insomniac prior to this, can't stay awake past 9:00 and I can't seem to focus at work. I am not sure what is going to happen, but in all honesty, I want it over. I want to be alone and it brings me to the point of tears because I have never wanted to be away from him since the day we met, regardless of all the problems. Now I don't want to be near him.

I am not trying to get on your back or make you feel like you're wrong for feeling the way you do. I just want to explain my point of view and I guess even vent a little. I really do hope all things work out for you two. If she wants to physically change, then support her, but don't be her sole reason for doing it.

As for the men who feel "all men do it", well, all I have to say to that is, if you can honestly say to yourself that if you were in the other persons shoes, it wouldn't bother you, then from your point of view, you would be doing nothing wrong. But if that's the case, and it's an acceptable action, why is it so hidden? Why is it not an acceptable form of satisfaction for ALL and not just some? When I am alone, I tend to think of the person I want to be with. When that person starts to be someone other than the person I am with, then I know there is something wrong.

I hope all works out for you Chris,

Good Luck,

Me

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 7:11pm
Well fisrt of all I think that white lies never hurt .. when it comes to a issue where you might really hurt a person you love if you know they are sensitive about that subject. Ok.. I agree you answered questions that most men wouldn't but is that really the best thing? Also she asked a question I don't think that many women would!Did she really think that she would come out of this question really feeling good? I know I wouldn't. I think that you both have got to stop this. It's knda silly.. If you both realy love each other than something like this couldn't tear u apart. She can't really expect to find a man that dosen't find other females pretty! But you need to give this girl a little insite into what you do like about her looks and STOP pointing out what you DONT. No one is perfect. And by the way would you really like it if she sized you up to Hollywoods most finest bachlors? Even if you asked? Most likely not.