The One...but in a rut, HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2008
The One...but in a rut, HELP!
7
Mon, 06-23-2008 - 6:29pm

hey,


alrighty so my boyfriend and I have been together for over 2.5 years. Everything was great and then I started noticing different problems. Like we never do anything anymore...not sure if it's because we've done everything around here and whatever we do is boring or if it's because we don't go on little day trips, but either way it really started to irritate me. Also sex is lame, we might get lucky and have sex like once a week if we get lucky, because it's either we're hanging out with friends, tired/not in mood, didn't have a shower.


I believe that he is the one because we always talk about our future together we both have never had relationship this long, we understand eachother down to the last detail, but I just don't know what to do anymore. I really need help on how to put the umph and spice back into our relationship.


Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2008
Mon, 06-23-2008 - 8:11pm

Dear C/L,


I have been through this stage and can tell you it enters a scary place if you don't nip it in the bud. This means: either make him priority #1 or consider breakup.


You have exited out of the exiting phase where everything is butterflies into a safer area which is less sexy and phase where many couples tend to take each other for granted. Beware, becuase this complacency can lead to apathy and distance.


Here is my advice (and I should probably follow it as well:)


1. Have sex and try your best not to refuse him. This means taking care of yourself, showering, smelling good, and feeling good.


2. Develop interests you share together and apart. This was really hard for me. I often had this feeling of abandonment when he would do his own thing and when I did my own thing. When you miss each other a little, it is good for the relationship.


3. It is really appealing to talk about goals like marriage, babies, etc. But you have to remember you are not a means to an end in each other's life. It is important to focus on keeping romance alive by doing things that he loves (spontaneous lovemaking, encouraging day out with friends, making his favorite meal, complementing him in front of family). Things to make sure he knows that your life is enhanced by him in it.


It sounds like you have found a wonderful man to possibly spend your life with. Your relationship is actually transitioning to an exciting time.


Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 06-23-2008 - 11:30pm

Welcome to the confused_lovely,


There are a number of good self-help books out there to bring back emotional intimacy which fuels sexual desire.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 06-24-2008 - 6:11am
Just wanted to say I really like lemoncupcake's suggestions... I also agree that if you don't gain control of this rut you're in soon, it will be damaging. Not trying to pressure you, but it is really important to have things you feel good about in the relationship that give you an inner security and excitement.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2007
Tue, 06-24-2008 - 10:03am
Well first off, do you and your boyfriend live with each other? If not, do you see each other on a daily basis? If you don't live with each other but see each other everyday, try giving each other some space. Take a few days off from him to do what you want to do and let him do what he wants. Soon enough he'll come around telling you he misses you and wants to see you. Thats when you can step in to plan something to get together. What do you guys like to do? What are his interests? Combine your interests with his (even if you may not like some of the things he does) but do them anyway. It will show him that your interested in getting involved in some of his favorite things. If your outdoorsy, try looking things up online to find places to rent canoes or kayaks to rent and take to a lake, go hiking, biking, take a trip to the beach (if you're near an ocean). Those are just a few examples. But if you live together, which can be a little more difficult, I think the best thing would be is to discuss the situation together and tell him how you feel. Start by saying that your guys both know you talk about the future, but why have a future together if you're not even having fun now. You know? If you live together, make a schedule of when you'll both get together with friends, once a week, twice a week. Then on another part of it, schedule in dinner time together: who will cook you or him and then another day plan to go out to eat; then make a day for just you and him to plan whatever you or him likes and just go for it!
It sounds like this issue can be fixed. Ever hear "absence makes the heart grow fonder?" If this is the case where you both see each other everyday, try to start taking a few days a week off from each other. When you both realize that you miss each other, finding things to do with each other won't be as difficult. I hope this helps!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2008
Tue, 06-24-2008 - 12:46pm

This is good advice, Porcelain...


I think women have a tough time setting time apart for themselves. For example, set aside a personal care night where you go and get a manicure, haircut, eyebrow wax or whatever it takes to make you feel sexy. It's easy to forget about these things when you start getting really comfortable.


OR join a sports league, gym and make sure you have time away so you can actually miss him.


It's important to create space. When you met and fell in love, you were both probably very independent and free-spirited. It's important to maintain that while still giving to the relationship as it is a very attractive quality in a mate.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2008
Tue, 06-24-2008 - 7:31pm
Thank you that is really good advice...from all of you...and i will deffinately take everything everybody said and put it together. i'll keep you updated :D
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-25-2008 - 12:34pm


Sometimes when things get too familiar people begin to take each other for granted, feel the person will always be there and don't make that extra effort to keep it spiced up. Pull away a little. Focus on your own life and start getting involved in activities that are interesting and meaningful to you. Spice yourself up, find your own life exciting and then