online cheating? Help!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
online cheating? Help!!!
7
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 11:44am
My husband has been sending emails to a woman he met on a website that has a message board. They have been sending them every day several times a day . He has a separate email account and continues to lie about it. He makes up stories to her and tells her he is a single father. We have been married 4 yrs and have 3 kids. She gave him her cell number but I dont think they've talked yet. They have eachothers name and address because of the nature of the website-people trade things on it. They're now talking about sending pictures back and forth. He hasn't given her a picture of him and he posted one of his friend instead so he's pretending to be him.

She is a single mother and apparently is acting this way with alot of the other men on the site. I feel totally betrayed being lied to and he knows how I feel about this stuff. To me it is emotional cheating but he acts like he's not doing anything wrong because he's just sitting at the computer and doing nothing. She lives in another state so it's not like they'll meet. I don't know how to stop this. He tells me to quit spying on him and if I say anymore about his computer activity he will break the computer. He tells me he loves me and bought me a beautiful gift last week. How long can this go on? Are they going to be emailing eachother for weeks,months,years? Develop a real relationship or is he just goofing around because he's bored. He has alot of free time at work and just sits there so I can see why he's bored. Has anyone else ever dealt with this problem? Are my hands tied? Every day I feel hurt and sick to my stomach thinking that he's sharing his day with her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 12:37pm
Hi butterflylily! I tell you what, I'll try and help you if try to help me. I just posted. Mine should be right above yours: Husband addicted to Porn. Anyway, he says that if you keep bringing it up that he will break the computer...Right? Well, I say the hell with it, let him break it. Then he won't be able to do anything, unless he has another computer to get on like at his work. But, my god I really don't know what to say, I really want to help you cause I know what it feels like kinda. I feel like my husband is cheating on me with just a computer and his porn sites. If he threatens you or say anything, threaten him back, play his game, show him how it feels, I don't beleive 2 wrongs make a right but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to get your point across. Say if he keeps his stuff up you will do the same thing he's doing. But don't really get attatched to someone just find a guy to e-mail and leave hints about what you are doing for your husband to find, and see how he likes it and feels about it. Or you can just threaten him about you are going to leave him, then if begs you to stay give him another chance, but if he keeps on tell him his time is up and you are out of there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 3:42pm
::I feel totally betrayed being lied to and he knows how I feel about this stuff.

You should feel totally betrayed. Because he is betraying you and your marriage. He misrepresentated himself to this woman, LIED to her and he's lying to you. Of course he doesn't see it because he will say or do anything:

::but he acts like he's not doing anything wrong because he's just sitting at the computer and doing nothing.

to justify his actions so he can continue his behavior at all costs because he likes it, loves the attention, the flirtation, walking on the edge, playing with fire, getting his ego stroked.

::To me it is emotional cheating

It is and more....his intentions speak loudly how much he values you and his marriage.

Is it ‘just friends’ – or emotional infidelity?

Even though there’s no sex, you still could be unfaithful, marriage counselors warn.

By Kim Campbell

In the minds of many, the definition of marital infidelity is pretty straightforward: If you have a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse, you’ve cheated.

But marriage counselors are adding more gray to that definition by identifying non-physical ways of being unfaithful – such as forming attachments that rob a spouse of emotional intimacy.

These aren’t the bonds forged on a “girls’ night out,” but rather those formed between two co-workers who, for examples, share everything – their aspirations, their marriage woes – and keep the extent of their friendship a secret from their spouses.

“If you are skimming off the aspects of your inner life…and reserving them for your ‘friend,’ you are cheating your spouse of intimacy,” says William Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota.

Some experts have gone as far as to call this a new crisis of infidelity – one that is changing the way gender relationships are viewed. T hat’s the position taken by the late Shirley Glass, a researcher and family therapist whose last book was published earlier this year, before her death.

Glass found it wasn’t just thrill seekers or those unhappy in marriage who are prone to emotional cheating. “The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love,” she wrote in “NOT ‘Just Friends’: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal.”

Today, there are greater opportunities for intimate relationships to form between men and women and for the boundaries between platonic and romantic feelings to blur, she and others argue. Changes in the work force have brought more women into offices at all levels, and the Internet has made it far easier to quickly form bonds with strangers.

In both cases, it can be easy to meet someone and suspend reality. On the Internet, a contact can become a romanticized ideal without faults. And, in the office, an intriguing co-worker can seem more exciting than a spouse with whom you have to pay bills and fix plumbing.

“An emotional affair to me can be as damaging as a sexual affair, because an emotional connection is what people really want,” says Rona Subotnik, a marriage and family therapist in Palm Desert and author of books on infidelity, including Internet relationships. The workplace is a particularly fertile ground for cheating, experts say. By some accounts, the office is replacing the local pub as the place where men and women meet – and cheat.

About 8 mission to 10 million new relationship are formed annually in offices, according to Dennis Powers, a professor of business law at Southern Oregon University in Ashland and author of the 1998 book “The Office Romance.”

That figure is for singles entering relationship, but the same environment might easily influence those who are married. Working closely together on a project, for example, can be enticing, as can simply being around someone every day who shares similar goals and aspirations. An “emotional affair” tends to involve sexual attraction – even if not acted on – and secrecy on the part of a married participant, therapists note. It can be difficult in the workplace to realize an emotional affair is developing, says Doherty, because there’s usually not a big event, like a sexual encounter, to signal that you’ve turned a corner. Even so, not everyone believes that interaction between men and women in the workplace spells disaster. “The mere fact that a person has friendships from work by itself can’t be considered unethical. The question is where it crosses the line,” Powers says.

Some observers note that the issue of emotional affairs is prompting new rules for gender relationships, but not everyone thinks more rules are the best idea. Laura Kipnis, author of the recent book “Against Love: A Polemic,” questions whether it is right for one partner to control another’s autonomy or intimacies too much. “To what extent is it ethical…that their movements or associates should be restricted to appease my own anxiety or insecurity?” she asks.

For her part, Glass offers a framework for separating home and work relationships, noting that fidelity is about maintaining appropriate boundaries. Among her suggestions: discuss relationship issues at home, don’t lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person, discuss your online friendships with your partner, and surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who are committed to the idea of fidelity.

From “NOT ‘Just Friends’ ” by Shirley Glass

WHEN FRIENDSHIP CROSSES THE LINE

Has your friendship become an emotional affair?

1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?

2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?

3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?

4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?

5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?

6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?

7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you’re alone than in front of others?

8. Are you in love with your friend?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 10:15am
Thanks for the information. I wish it would have made me feel better, but I guess the truth hurts. Now the question is what can I do to stop this before it escalates? If I say anything about it he'll know I've been spying on him and go ballistic. He'd probably just change his password and do it from work so I can't find out what they're saying. I can only get bits and pieces of it now because he deletes them. He doesn't know I have his password. Doesn't the fact that he's not who he says he is with her help a little to prevent the true intimacy that could form from this? Do these relationships tend to fizzle or do they tend to last a long time? If I confront him he can be very very mean. He throws and breaks things. One time we got in a bad argument I left and he changed the locks on the doors. I went to a place with my kids that was worse than here that I don't want to go back to. I have 3 kids, one is his, and no where to go. I lost everything when my first husband died and can't stand the thought of losing everything again. I don't want to disrupt my children's lives again if this is somehow going to go away. He is acting nice and doing things for us and tells me he loves me. I talked to a counselor and he said that this is an addiction and to stick it out, but this is tearing me up watching him form this 'friendship' and not being able to stop it. Isn't there anything I can do to put a stop to this? I've thought about getting a secret email account and emailing her telling her to stop emailing my husband that he is lying to her and not letting her know who I'm referring to but I don't want it to get back to him somehow. This is driving me crazy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 4:47pm
::I talked to a counselor and he said that this is an addiction and to stick it out, but this is tearing me up watching him form this 'friendship' and not being able to stop it. Isn't there anything I can do to put a stop to this?

So the counselor thinks it's an addiction? I'm not sure it is, nor am I sure that it will pass.

Internet flings - anyone can be who they want to be, lie, make-up stuff, the intimacy shared isn't real, but she thinks it is. She believes everything he says.

I understand you don't want to disrupt your kids lives, you don't want to risk his anger and reaction, you don't want to live where you lived before, etc. but when does your feelings count more than his? His behavior is not going to just go away or stop if you ignore it. Are you working on your self-esteem in counseling?

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 7:03pm
Butterflylilly, I know this is probably not what you want to hear and I'm not proud of it plus it is the past now. I got ivolved with a MM on the internet and yes I did manage to meet with him regardless of my husband & 3 kid being in the picure. He told me he was this person and sent me a picture of HIM. Yes it was him but the picture was way old. Im telling you this because I learned a hard lesson that you can fall for someone just by what they tell you and weather it's and addiction? I beg to differ on that one. I think he is curious about how far he can go and weather you will find out about it? He will take it as far as he can. I did! Mine lasted longer than I want to say. I would print out what ever he is writing for proof when you confront him because the best defense with a computer is to DENY, DENY , DENY! Which Im sure he will do. I did! I'm telling you this so you will prepare your self just incase he decides that he wants to test the waters.

I have learned a hard lesson from this and want to save anyone the heartache I caused and him because it takes two.

If you have any more questions feel free to ask. SOUL
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 2:36pm
Thanks for sharing your story with me. I have alot of questions, if you don't mind. Just wondering if this guy was in the same state as you are and if your marriage survived in spite of it. The other day she made a comment to him about getting to know his personality better in the emails because of something he said. She lives many states away and was talking about him visiting her too. He told her that its hard to get to know someone over the pc and that he was just goofing around all the time. He told her sorry but he's not who she thinks he is on the pc and that it was an escape for him as a alter ego or something. She said thanks for the honesty. The emails havent stopped between them. I've gotten so pissed that I've gone in and deleted some before he read them, like today when she emailed him and asked him if he was thinking about her. So it sounds like he isnt taking this seriously hopefully and is just doing this because he is bored and goofing around. Like its just an escape for him. I dont know what to think. Would you mind telling me a little more about how yours progressed to the point of meeting, and how it could have maybe been stopped if you husband had known? I don't know if I can take much more of this before I lose it. One of these days I might get to the point where I'll just walk out w/my kids and leave everything behind because I can't trust him. I guess our marriage is over if he's doing this and it's only going to get worse? I hope not. Or could this just be a fantasy and a distraction for him that is going nowhere?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 5:50pm
Butterflylily,

I don't mind at all telling you more about my story. I can honestly tell you that if my husband would have known about it I think I would have let it cool on the back burner but would not have stopped completly talking to him. I also would have did what ever I had to even lie just to go see him. He lived very far from me but that didn't matter to me at all. I would tell my husband I was going on a business trip and that was good enough for him he never once doubted that. My marriage suvived only cause my husband never found out and if he did NO WAY it would have been over. As for your husband, I think that it could revolve into a relationship if it keeps going mine did. We started out just talking and joking as friends then we started confiding in each other about things that went on in our marriages. In time you start to develope feelings for a person if your around them or talk to them long enough. In time it developed into deep intimate talks of how he could be someone my husband wasn't and how I could be how his wife wasn't while he was married. I then of course became curious enough about him that I wanted to meet him as he wanted to meet me. I managed to get away on a BUSINESS TRIP and met with him for a weekend. I have to admit he was not what he said he was but emotionally I already had fallen for him. Looks meant nothing at the time because my heart felt somthing different. In time I started to feel guilty but that still was over taken by the feelings I held for him. You can either do two things, 1) Is you can e-mail her acting like your husband and see how far she will go. 2) You can tell your husband you know and tell him it needs to stop or you are gone. Also remember this if he has access to a computer at work they can e-mail through out the day too. I did it all day long at work but never at home. I hope this helps if not e-mail me at lifeiskind@yahoo.com