online cheating site

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2007
online cheating site
6
Fri, 10-12-2007 - 1:19am
i recently caught my boyfriend of 4 years on online adult cheating websites like fling.com I caught him once and he said that he was feeling unattractive and wanted to see if other women were attracted to him. I caught him before he could do anything. A few months later I found out that he was on other sites and he denyied it and lied to my face about being on it then he cancelled him membership and has not been on since. He never actually cheated and I am so confused on what to do. He said he made a huge mistake and will never do it again but i do not know if i can trust him. I love him so much and do not want to let him go but i don't want to be that dumb girl...please help
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 10-12-2007 - 10:44am

First off I have to say that if I were in your position, despite how much I loved him, I would have left the relationship. If your man is looking at websites designed to hook people up for affairs, it means that - at least to some degree - he is not happy in a monogamous relationship with you.

You have two options, neither are very fun.
1) You can try with him to figure out what he's missing from your relationship, and make an effort to work with him so that he doesn't feel the need for the companionship, or sexual acceptance, of other women (this requires a lot of cooperation on his part, without keeping secrets or hiding things from you)
2) You can leave, accepting that he does not want to be monogamous to you

I truly hope that he has not actually cheated on you with someone else, but if this behavior is not stopped now then your relationship has no chance of survival. I hope he works with you to resolve whatever problems he's having.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 10-12-2007 - 11:08am

Welcome to the board tammy5667,


He has lied to you and been on cheating websites several times. He has

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 10-12-2007 - 1:40pm

Welcome to the board tammy5667,


Unfortunately, I agree with the advice you have already received.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-12-2007 - 9:09pm

"he was feeling unattractive and wanted to see if other women were attracted to him" and deny, deny, deny are the two mantras of people who emotionally or physically cheat on their spouse. You both know that he is not living up to the normal boundaries in most relationships. In this kind of situation it is usually one of two things that cause this, affairs (emotional or physical) and/or porn/sexual addiction. In your case, it sounds more like the former. Whether he is acting on his desire to cheat or not is not clear from your post. He could easily be cyber-cheating with secret email accounts, myspace accounts, etc. IMHO, you may be being naive to believe that he *is not* cheating on you as a certainty.

I agree that you need to either figure out what is going on in your relationship with him, what is going on with him, or leave him. If you decide to stick it out, I would strongly recommend that the two of you attend couple's counseling. If he is not willing to do that, it is indicative of the thing he is doing online being more important than you, IMO.

If you don't believe he is doing more or do believe he is doing more, you can always install a keylogger type software or hardware on your computer (not one owned only by him because of the legal implications).

I'm sorry this is happening to you!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2007
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 12:49am
i have tried really hard to figure out waht is going on with our relationship. I know 99% that he is not on any sites. i am discusted with myself for being such a snoop but I know he has several email addresses and i know all the passwords (he has no idea) and I know after the 2nd incident he has not visited the emails or the sites. I feel very pathetic and desperate and am going through a really crappy time right now being unemployed and living at home ( i am only 23) but i wish i could give him one more chance. like a 3 stikes and your out. I am really glad I found this site because i told some good friends that know him and they think since he never cheated and never even had any connection with any women on the site it is excusable and deserves antoher chance. what do you think about it
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-13-2007 - 2:13am
I think you need to decide what your boundaries are and your deal breakers are and stick with them no matter what. You must take care of ***YOU***, first and foremost!! If his doing what he did is going to be something that will linger and stay with you for many years to come, if you are going to never fully trust him again, you may need to decide that you have to take care of yourself by leaving this relationship and moving on. Love is a verb, not a feeling. You can get past it. Don't listen to your friends if your self-esteem and who you are is at stake. It sounds like you are looking for permission from someone to leave him. If that is what you need, You can give yourself permission to leave him. You can decide that you are worth more than this.

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