on,off,on marriage, kids&divorce????

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
on,off,on marriage, kids&divorce????
6
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 1:30am
Hi. I've looked over some of these discussion boards and couldn't quite find what I was looking for...so here it goes. I'm a child of divorce and swore I would never do that to my children. my husband and I've been together off and on for 18 years (since we were 17) married for 12. married for almost 5yr.with 3children then seperated for almost 5yrs &then back together for almost 3yrs!!! while we were separated I hit rock bottom and became a Christian. I worked hard on myself and my relationship with my children. all the while praying and holding out hope that God would restore our marriage. I continued to love my H and keep an open door to him. the last year of our seperation I pulled out all the stops...we started sleeping together. I continued to ask him if he was being faithfull to our marriage,to me and he'd look me straight in the eye time and time again and would tell me yes. so I belived him. even though every time we were together he'd leave saying he still wasn't coming back he wanted a divorce. Oh trust me I was waiting, looking for a strong Biblical reason to file for divorce but I didn't have it. he didn't cheat on me (that I knew) and he hadn't abandoned me. he's a very active father and he finacially supported us the entire seperation. so I trusted him. Two weeks before he came back I came to a point that I just had to let go, after staying the night with me he looked me straight in the eye and said that he was NEVER coming home. so what else could I do? I loved this man with all my heart but I couldn't make him love me. so I let him go...2 weeks later he comes to my door and says he wants to give it 3months to see if we really can make this marriage work. what was I to do??? this is what I had waited for for almost 5 long years!! so I said ok and thought we could start new... still something was nagging me.so I asked him again...have you been with someone else? and this time the answer was yes.he'd been with this one %&#@! for 2+ years!!! can you belive that?! NOW WHAT?? is this my Biblical reason for divorce or is this wiping the slate clean and starting over??? Could I forgive him? I thought I could... under the conditions that we seek counceling, we go to church and if this ever happens again we are done. now almost 3yrs later he's gone to church 3-4 times & counceling 1 time.I'm angry bitter& I have completely lost all self worth, gained 60lbs, don't go to church and tried counceling for myself but my H cut me off of that because he wont pay$$$. I feel worthless and alone and scared of what my next move should be. how can I do this to my kids. again. they have been through so much. I'm dieing in this marriage I don't feel cared for, I feel controled and alone. but the moment I think of ending this marriage I think of my kids. It seems to come down (in my mind) to who do I sacrifice? me or my kids and the answer always comes back me. and that makes me so sad!! I feel like my parents selfishly divorced at the expense of my sister and I and I don't want to do that to my kids. I never would have married my H if I had been whole when I met him. but because of my parents messed up lives, and divorce I've made very poor life decisions. I feel like I'm at a fork in the road. which path to take?
the reality is that our marriage could hold out for 10 more years and then he leaves me. (he's told me that he would do that)MAN THAT WOULD SUCK! but at the end of the day I have to do what is best for my kids. I have to protect them from any foolish woman that would be in my H life, and the only way for me to do that is to stay with him. I've got to be able to look them in the eye 20yrs from now and honestly tell them I did everything that I could do to love and protect them. I always lean on staying for my kids but this nagging feeling tells me to go for me. what to do?? Thanks ya'll for listening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 8:31am
How old are your children?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 12:26pm
my children are elementry school age.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2006
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 1:22pm

I say this to you. If you feel that there is NO forgivenes in what he did, then leave. I think that you can forgive him. However, it seems that he is making NO attempt to make it work. I don't believe that you can be married and only one person do all of the work. I am sorry that you have endured this horrible experience in your life. IMOHO, I think that you should divorce him. As I was reading, I came to the conclusion that I thought that he was cheating on you the whole time. I also think that you should refrian from sex with him until everything is straighten out.

GOOD LUCK

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 3:25pm

Hi,
I hate that you are going through this. I took all I could take for 12 years, I had finally had enough. I took my kids 8 , 5 ,twins 2yr and I left. I had told myself that I would never ever get divorced. But you know it is one of the best decisions I ever made for my kids and I. It was scary. If you think your kids don't understand what is going on, you are mistaken.
Do you want your kids to grow up to be like your husband (if boys) and treat a girl like he does you, or stay in an abusive relationship like their mother (if girls)? Because they see how you are treated and what goes on, and they think that is the way it should be.
Wouldn't it be better in the long run for them to grow up with a happy healthy mother? You deserve to be treated with respect and love. Maybe you could talk to your pastor or someone you trust and find out what your options are. Do you have family close? I hope it all works out for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2006
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 7:57pm

I have to agree. I am not a child of divorce, so I don't know how that affected your view on marriage.
I had the other opinion of divorce. I felt I had to get divorced, or my kids (both boys) would learn that it is OK to treat a woman like crap, and she will stay.
It sounds like you are giving him the opportunity to walk in and out of your life, as it is convenient for him. You need to grow a backbone. I recently started going to church myself, a non-demoninational Christian church, and they do not judge. My family was Catholic - which is very anti-divorce. My family was very supportive of me in my divorce, though, as they saw how my self esteem was suffering in my bad marriage.
I think it is valiant that you are trying to keep your marriage together, but you seem like the only one making the effort. If you talk to one of your pastors and/or elders frankly, I don't think they will think staying married is the "Christian" thing to do.
Look at your situation as an outsider, and think of what you would tell a friend in the same situation. I wish you luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 8:35pm
Thank you. I have gone over all of this stuff in my mind time and time again. I have thought about the consequences to my sons and daughter...that they are seeing and learning how NOT to have a marriage. It is a good idea to step outside and look at this marriage as an outsider. I have talked to my pastor, 3 in fact and all three have different opinions... it just confuses me more. My fear is how will I do this on my own how to support 3 children with one being special needs. It just scares the crud out of me. to stay will take a leap of faith and to go would be one too! thank you for all of your support.
nickersmom